Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

I see you as the unreasonable one here. DC should be in their own bed now.

That was not what I was referring to as you very well know!

YABU
your child should be in their own bed. Planned,moving to another area sex would be a big no no for me and my husband. Your DH is not being unreasonable to want a normal sex life with you

At that age my dc would have started off in his own bed but would come through at some point in the night. Would that be an option as works for the sex issue but the child still gets the comfort they need.

WTF is wrong with saying, "reared"???! Are you trying to 'correct' my English or is that just an ageist comment meaning that I don't know what I am talking about because my family are now grown-ups?!! How patronising.

I don't give a flying monkey's whether you (or anyone else for that matter!!) agree with my pov, but I absolutely have the right to express it just the same as any other poster, without being followed around the thread criticising every word I post!

Your posts are anything but respectful so please don't use that meaningless phrase.

How on earth I was supposed to "want to spend every single second of the day with a child" when I was out working FT anyway? Ludicrous.

It's fine, you don't have to agree with me and I couldn't care less. Carry right on being sleep deprived. I got lots of lovely sleep!

So many people get triggered by co-sleeping. That just shows where their own trauma is but they dont realise. Children are designed to co-sleep with their parents. Its almost funny how modern people are failing to see that. Despite it having a very clear effect on sleep of both the mother and the child. Why should a man's need for sex come before a need for a good sleep of a women and her young child? We seem to have a distorted view of what is normal.

OK haven't read all the thread but:

I cosleep with a three year old. It is fine. Not for everyone I know and I am aiming to get him out soon (mainly as pregnant but haven't had the energy yet). Extended cosleeping in many cultures is completely normal.

We however both have our own beds (always have pre DC and it is the dream) and therefore have a perfectly healthy sex life in his bed (or at least did pre this pregnancy!) I would def not have sex in the same bed as my child! Or on the sofa for that matter.

OP can you clear the bed in the spare room and cosleep with your child in there so that you can have your own bed back with DH for at least the start of the night?

I completely agree with your H. A three year old knows they are playing one parent against the other, they want to decide where they sleep and have their parents obey them, which could be a problem later in your lives. However, that being said, you could put a thin cot-sized mattress that is not so comfortable as their bed on the floor next to you.

YAB VERY U.

Why do so many people think it ok for a small child to sleep in their own bedroom alone while the adults sleep together?

don't know if this has been asked yet but after your child falls asleep and you move him to his own bed will he stay sleeping for a bit or wake up as soon as he’s lifted? My son used to only fall asleep in our bed with one of us next to him but used to get moved as soon as he was sleeping. Would eventually get back up and climb in our bed but it gave us a few hours to just chill, have sex or go to sleep for a few hours without being kicked lol but if child wakes when moving i would say as its your husband who has the problem and wants to only have sex in the main bed then he should be doing the sleep training to get him to sleep in his own bed

Well how exactly would I be doing that when I know nothing about you or your children ffs?

A 3yo is not developmentally capable of such things.

It’s a very modern Western idea that children should sleep alone in their own bed. It’s not what we evolved to do so it’s not surprising that many kids aren’t great at it. At the same time it’s very understandable that cosleeping with a child makes your own bed off limits for sex. As much as you love the cosleeping I think it’s coming time to move to having your child go to sleep in his own bed. Maybe when he turns 3? If he wakes in the night he can come to you instead of you to him (and probably get into bed with you). Over time it will happen less. But this way you introduce the idea that his bed is the place he sleeps at night. And give yourselves some together time.

I was pondering this thread again last night. My 5yo is finally back in her own bed, but had an epic wake up last night (as happens occasionally, probably linked to additional needs etc).

From half 1 to 3 I started awake, checking on her every 15 minutes, providing hugs, reassurance etc. I was in and out of bed, it was exhausting. At 3 sure agreed to come in with me, husband booted out. She didn't fall back to sleep until nearly 5, but I was lying down, physically resting and lightly dozing. Definitely preferable to bring in and out of bed like a yoyo.

I had about 3 hours sleep last night. I have no interest in sex tonight. I'm not sure why anyone thinks that the OPb will be enthused for this mandated bed -sex, when she's exhausted from wake ups in any event.

Co-sleeping is fine if needed - sleep deprivation solutions far more important than vanilla sex in the marital bed - some people on here are so naive and were probably just lucky to have good sleepers. Probably the same people who can’t sleep unless their husband/partner is next to them. Been in separate rooms for 30 years and married 38 - I love my sleep.

So you just ignore the safety advice re having a newborn sleep in your room then?

I think yabu but I also think the wording of your op..kick my dc out..indicates that you want confirmation of your pov.

He’s not threatening no sex he is just making you aware of his boundaries and where he feels comfortable having and not having it. If I am honest I agree with it not sounding great if it is a scheduled sofa sex appointment.

Sorry I had to laugh.😆

I'm a big advocate of co-sleeping (it may have come across!) and I think some people are just so brainwashed about it. Don't knock what you haven't tried! We're like you @Wimin123 - we've slept in separate beds for more than 26 years. I was pregnant with our second, and sleeping badly. Couldn't stand his snoring, and I was waking him up trying to stop him. It was causing more damage to our marriage than sleeping separately, because we were both sleep-deprived and cranky. We've been together for 40 years, married 34. It works well for us. I love my sleep too!

I referred to the achievements of my children (not that I need to justify it!) because there were all sorts of untrue accusations of negative effects of co-sleeping. Not in my experience!

I won't be responding to any further attacks. Some people could start a row in an empty room. Nor will I have some parent of a solitary young child tell me I know nothing about parenting either. Laughable!

You are unreasonable, your DC should have his own bed