Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Really? don't you have cleaning materials in your home?

I do. I don’t want to ruin my sofa using cleaning materials to clean off bodily fluids though.

Selfish to expect his wife to have broken sleep every night settling their child when he is not willing to do it.

Would you accept that?

Meaning?

Do you know a single adult who hasn't learned to sleep by themselves?

I think looking at some threads on here quite a few adults struggle when they don't have their husband sleeping next to them. I've seen countless threads where women say they don't "feel safe" or "can't relax" if their husband is away and I've seen a lot of posters say they need their husband to go to bed the same times as them too or they can't relax.

I don't share a bed with dh, we've been together over 20 years but I've had so many comments both on here and in real life from people who say it's really odd, he used to work away a lot and people would just assume I must lie awake all night scared on my own without him laid next to me.

I've noticed that the people I know in real life who are the most militant about children not sleeping with parents, are also the same people who are anxious all night if they have to sleep alone due to partner being away.

My friend's dh used to get really angry at his son getting into bed with them when a toddler, he'd say my friend is pandering and will make him soft, same friend recently had a few weeks away to stay and support a family and her husband moaned and moaned every day at her that he couldn't settle to sleep without her in the bed with him. A fully grown adult moaning he didnt like sleeping alone while expecting his toddler to do so.

For goodness sake. Not once has op said that her husband ‘refuses’ to put the child to bed. She has said that the child will not settle for him and gets more and more agitated.

You’re making things up and to be honest, sounding rather agitated yourself as the thread goes on. Why are you taking this so personally? It’s not your situation.

Just don’t think shouting is necessary.

Firstly - reared. I’ll just leave that there.

I’m obviously pleased your children survived to adulthood, but personally I don’t feel the need to watch them sleep to do it. I’d never tell my husband to live in the spare bedroom so I could do that either - I think that’s incredibly isolating, and devaluing.

With respect, those of us who disagree with you don’t have to follow your rules of “rearing” children; or even agree with them. Some people think cosleeping as a long term solution is excessive, and that adults matter too. Some of us also don’t want to spend every single second of the day with a child. And they’re all okay opinions to have too.

Before/if you tell me it’s a good idea to cosleep because of sleep deprivation. Trust me on this - you would be preaching to the entirely wrong exhausted choir. I’m deprived of sleep AND don’t want to co-sleep.

I think you know what I meant?

WTF did I EVER say I ever had sex with any of my children present???!

I won't say what I would like to say to you because you are not worth being banned over! What is wrong with you? Read what I actually posted! What a disgusting accusation which is totally without foundation!!

No, I would like you to spell it out.

Happily.

I think that keeping your children in bed with you because of your attachment to them, because you want them next to you rather than in their own bed, or because it’s easier for you, is unhealthy and clingy.

I believe it holds them back from developing independence in early childhood, and risks making them think and feel they can’t cope without you. That’s not a message I’d happily give a child.

Hence - apron strings.

Can you just for a second understand that your experience isn't universal?

Your rudeness isn't appreciated either.

perhaps he would do it if that meant actual sleep training with end results not wishy washy nonsense.

Getting your toddler to settle in their own bed doesn't have to take long, at all. Not if you tackle it sensibly. Obviously, the OP has made doing this much harder for herself and her child, because she enjoys sleeping with her child (sod how her DH feels) and her toddler now sees this as normal.

No one is asking the OP to spend the next umpteen weeks/months teaching her toddler to settle. In reality, it could be accomplished quite quickly, short term pain for long term gain etc.

But, clearly the OP doesn't want short term pain for long term gain. She wants to co-sleep, because she simply likes it, regardless of her DH's feelings.

Fair enough. But this won't end well.

TG to hear a reasonable POV! My kids are also adults, and two of them have lived away from home for years at a time. One is about to move out permanently, having lived at home for a while to save for a deposit for a house. One is finishing a year's study abroad and will never move home again due to the nature of their career choice. Youngest is still here but in final year of uni, so who knows? The world is his oyster! I'm delighted that we had those years of co-sleeping while they were little. It's stood them in good stead, as they are confident, secure and outgoing, and they are very close to us as their parents.

So the nasties can throw shade at me as much as they will, but I am the winner in the end, so I don't care! My elder two are already very successful in their careers and the youngest is doing amazingly in uni, so I am more than happy and just a small bit smug, that we got it right.

And what is he doing to make this happen exactly?? Naw, it's all on the mum.

well not a lot because the kid is in his bed!

I didn't say it, either. I suggest you follow your own advice and read what I wrote more carefully?

You did, however, say that having sex while a child was present in the room 'was normal and natural'. Yes?

And I think you are talking utter shit. Having your children in bed with you actually develops their confidence, because they feel totally secure and safe. Leading them to be comfortable to move out to their own room when they are ready means that they never suffer any distress

My children who co-slept with me have gone on to have the most amazing life experiences. I am not going to share those because it would be outing, but they have lived in places and had experiences way beyond the average. I am so proud of them, and they have achieved so much. So please don't patronise me. I've no interest.

You know what you can do with your 'apron strings'. You don't have the first clue!

No, quote me where I said that!

And he is doing fuck all to change the situation!! Because he 'can't settle' their child??

Whatever. I am now officially bored with the individuals who know nothing about co-sleeping and are dissing the experience of someone who does.

I actually feel sorry for parents who haven't had the positive experience that I did, but I am not prepared to argue any more with my detractors.

I'm so happy with the life I've had with my husband and my children, and no amount of criticism can impact on that.

We currently have a co-sleeping 5 year old.

Most of our sex happens downstairs when he’s asleep up in our bed…. not ideal but clearly we’re not going to have sex near him and we don’t want no sex.

Or we schedule lunch breaks where we can have sex in our bed.

It may not be spontaneous etc but it’s still enjoyable and keeps us sexually connected. One day I’m sure we’ll get our bed back to ourselves!

I would like mine to feel secure and safe without me, and to learn early that their bedroom isn’t distressing.

I won’t be backing up their (incorrect) idea that they need constant parental presence, even when they’re asleep, or that their bedroom isn’t their safe place.

In other news - he’s actually awake, having been asleep since 9pm, if you know anyone who’s interested in co-sleeping!

I have lots “of clue,” thanks. You’re stuck on a condescending angry loop at this point.

well what can he do. She has made it clear that she 'likes it with DC in their bed' and won't hear of changing that.
The relationship is stuffed tbh