Page 22 | Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

countrysidelife2024 · 07/11/2024 21:47

oh cross posted never mind

HolyPeaches · 07/11/2024 21:48

countrysidelife2024 · 07/11/2024 21:46

ewwww imagine having sex next to a child. that is wrong im sorry

Have you read the OP’s replies?

She hasn’t had sex next to her child. Read FFS.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 21:48

sunflowersngunpowdr · 07/11/2024 13:21

He's not demanding sex. And wives shouldn't be allowed to exclusively dictate the terms of intimacy either: sex is a shared experience between adults. He's perfectly reasonable to expect to have sex in his own bed without a kid around. 3 is old enough to sleep alone.

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He's not only demanding sex on his terms, he is withholding it as an ultimatum. That would make my fanny seal right up!

Arraminta · 07/11/2024 21:50

I suspect that this decision of the DH is rooted more deeply, and isn't just about the OP insisting on co-sleeping.

Wouldn't surprise me at all if the DH feels that their relationship lacks intimacy on many levels now, not just sexual. I have witnessed when the Mother/Child bond totally eclipses the Husband/Wife bond, on every level. It has never ended well.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 07/11/2024 21:51

SleeplessInWherever · 07/11/2024 21:43

It apparently is, he belongs in the shed. With a blanket, possibly. Depends how he behaves.

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Yep. Not even worthy of the dog basket hahaha

Weird - clearly OP didn’t mind him in her/their bed at some point for both sleep and sex. But of course she’s got what she wants out of the marriage now, he is probably surplus to requirement.

Superfoodie123 · 07/11/2024 21:52

It's perfectly fine to co sleep, ignore the other posters, people against co sleeping just don't get it. You do you.

Please don't have sex with your toddler in the bed

SleeplessInWherever · 07/11/2024 21:55

AgainandagainandagainSS · 07/11/2024 21:51

Yep. Not even worthy of the dog basket hahaha

Weird - clearly OP didn’t mind him in her/their bed at some point for both sleep and sex. But of course she’s got what she wants out of the marriage now, he is probably surplus to requirement.

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He definitely sounds it.

Either lie there awake while me and the child sleep, or go in another room and do it. Charming, who said love was dead!

ChitterChatter1987 · 07/11/2024 22:01

slippersandfleece · 06/11/2024 23:01

Having sex in the same room as any child over 6 months raises red flags with social services. In the same bed as a 3 year old? You're being very unreasonable. I say this as someone who co slept with my kids until they in double figures.

I work in safeguarding and don't think this is the case.....a child asleep in a cot or crib in the same room and parents having sex in their own separate bed is not abusive...I mean some kids are in a cot in parents room for the first couple of years....and do people not have sex whilst on family holidays in hotels?!
(Not that I have but I don't think it's a safeguarding concern so long as they are asleep obviously)

Sex in the same bed a child is sleeping in though, of any age, totally different ball game and yes very inappropriate!

BreezyAquaCrow · 07/11/2024 22:03

YABU.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:05

NewGreenDuck · 07/11/2024 13:48

Because all children need learn how to get off to sleep by themselves. It's as simple as that.
Having sex with a partner involves more than just a quick shag, hopefully there is also an emotional connection and for many that doesn't involve getting straight out of bed as though it's meaningless or as though the other party can't wait to get away. It's having a cuddle as well.
I can get off to sleep by myself, just as well as I'm widowed. I'd still like a cuddle and some time together after sex if DH was still here.

Do you know a single adult who hasn't learned to sleep by themselves?

Drclll · 07/11/2024 22:13

dhnosex · 06/11/2024 22:53

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

I can relate! I love cosleeping with my children, and my first needed a lot of support to go back to sleep after night wakes until 4yo or so. We got my eldest a double bed so that I could stay there with her after the 1st night wake. You could try that? So your 3 yo sleeps in their double bed in their own room, you have your own room with your DH. Then when 3yo wakes up, you can go back to their bed and stay there for the rest of the night, so everyone has the best sleep while still having some time alone with your DH in your bed.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:13

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/11/2024 14:14

BluePapillon · Today 14:03
That’s such a funny attitude. You could also ask why would a grown adult, who knows the world and is able you’d think to manage his emotional needs with perspective and compromise needing to prioritise himself over a small child who knows none of that and remove the child from its parents at night? The OP has explained the child was a poor sleeper and co sleeping has helped, it’s not forever.
It’s so funny you use the word relegated. Like a bit of a change in the use of the bed to help settle his child is somehow impacting this grown man’s status. How insecure would you have to be to view it that way due to a tiny child you (presumably) actively chose to bring into the world.

Not insecure at all. I want to share my bed with my husband. If the kids were unwell, they came in with me or him. Otherwise, at 3, they were in their own beds. Which is normal for kids who are secure.

Your version of 'normal'. My 2 x 3 year olds were secure in the room with me. Eldest was "secure" in her own room before turning 2. DD2 would probably have been fine in with DD1 from a younger age, but they would have woken each other up. I'd have done anything, literally anything, for a night's sleep! And that is fine!

ChitterChatter1987 · 07/11/2024 22:14

OP ignore the anti- co sleeping brigade....if you both want to co-sleep and it works for you, go for it! 3 is still little and it creates secure attachments.
I admire you for putting up with the starfish limbs though....do you have a very large bed?! 😅
Could you just pop him sleeping in his bed or the spare bed for abit whilst you 'do the deed' then gently lift him back after/when he next wakes?
Or put a toddler bed next to your bed as a back up?

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:17

Boltonb · 07/11/2024 14:21

@MrsSkylerWhite you are at risk of sounding woefully ignorant and old fashioned. Parents insisting that children sleep in their own beds doesn’t make them secure. The children aren’t making a choice, they are simply following rules.

Similar to the fact that cry it out doesn’t teach “self soothing”. It teaches that it’s pointless to cry as nobody is coming to rescue you. So a small baby CAN sleep through the night, but it’s certainly not because they’re thinking “I’m so secure, and there’s nothing to worry about”.

I notice you use “were” not “are” which might mean that you were parenting a while ago, and we know much more now about attachment and security between small children and their caregiver/s.

Many parents do what they believe is best, for whatever reason. Many parents follow certain guidance from the time that they’re parenting. But making sweeping statements about what’s “NORMAL” is ignorant and pointless.

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My eldest is 27 and youngest 21. I followed my instincts and my knowledge of my own child. I don't know if I was ahead of my time or old fashioned, but whatever it was, it worked with my children!

Following my instincts served me well.

SALaw · 07/11/2024 22:18

Everyone saying ignore the anti-co-sleepers...Surely both partners in the bed have to agree to it?!

Gogogo12345 · 07/11/2024 22:28

Babyboomtastic · 06/11/2024 23:25

Lots of people still cosleep at that age, we did, and many of our friends did. We've only just stopped cosleeping with eldest and she's gone 5. I suspect she'll bounce back to our bed at some stage though, and that's fine with us.

I've never really understood the idea that sex is a bed thing anyway. Hurrah for sofas etc.

Lol sofas not so good if you have a couple of teenagers as well as a 3 year old

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:29

OrangeGreens · 07/11/2024 14:54

Many posters acting like the OP is strange perhaps don’t currently have small children. So they don’t realise how widespread co-sleeping is now.

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I don't currently have small children, but I co-slept with my three aged 21-27. I must have been ahead of my time!!!

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:33

HolyPeaches · 07/11/2024 15:42

I’m on your husbands side here.

Having sex on the sofa where guests, family and your child will sit on is fucking grim. You can’t wash a sofa like you can with bedding.

Either sleep train your child to sleep in their own room, or just hold off on the sex until your bed no longer accommodates your child.

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OMG I'm old and I have still had sex on the sofa! What a deeply repressed attitude!

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:38

Expectingnum3 · 07/11/2024 17:28

Your poor husband. YABU. I agree that taking the spontaneity out of sex by having to go to a different room is a mood killer. Your bed is also your husband’s bed so it is unfair to disregard his feelings.

I never co-slept with mine and won’t be doing it with our next one, I think that’s a big reason why we have a strong relationship and secure, happy kids. Happy relationship = happy kids.

Thank you for putting all of us co-sleepers straight from your superior, vast bank of experience. I've been married for 34 years and my children are all well into adulthood.

SwingTheMonkey · 07/11/2024 22:42

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:33

OMG I'm old and I have still had sex on the sofa! What a deeply repressed attitude!

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It’s not repressed to not want to leave sex stains on your sofa.

You seem to be taking this thread oddly personally.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:42

ThatsNotMyTeen · 07/11/2024 20:34

I only ever have sex on my terms or not at all. I kind of thought that was my right as an autonomous being. Or is it different for OP’s husband because he’s a man?

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Totally different because the OP's DH has issued an ultimatum to her as to the conditions he requires to have sex with her. My vag would slam right down shut. Nobody blackmails me. You might be ok with that. I'm not. Bollocks to him being a 'man'!

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:45

Wellingtonspie · 07/11/2024 20:41

Sure then the best option for everyone as a few have said now.

Double bed in child’s room. Child goes to sleep firstly alone in their bed. Op and dh hopefully get even an hour in their shared bed. If / when the child wakes up op or the dh can sleep in the child’s bed.

I expect after a while of their new bed smelling like mummy/daddy they will start sleeping better in there anyway.

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Clearly some kind of compromise is the way to go. I'm not sure OP's DH will even be on board with that. He's not willing to settle his child when he wakes during the night, and he thinks his DW should endure broken sleep to do it. Not impressive!

SleeplessInWherever · 07/11/2024 22:46

SwingTheMonkey · 07/11/2024 22:42

It’s not repressed to not want to leave sex stains on your sofa.

You seem to be taking this thread oddly personally.

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Honestly watching aghast at this point. I think she’s going through page by page/in order, answering things she doesn’t like.

We're at 20:30 today, roughly. Nearly back in the present day!

SwingTheMonkey · 07/11/2024 22:49

SleeplessInWherever · 07/11/2024 22:46

Honestly watching aghast at this point. I think she’s going through page by page/in order, answering things she doesn’t like.

We're at 20:30 today, roughly. Nearly back in the present day!

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I have never known anyone post so frequently in a thread when they aren’t the op. Very odd.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/11/2024 22:49

SleeplessInWherever · 07/11/2024 20:53

Literally, why are you shouting.

I agree, he needs to help settle his child. But the overall aim should be everyone in their own beds. He absolutely should support in that.

We currently do 2 (or 3 at a push) wake ups before anyone moves, and have been for 6 months.

Nobody in my relationship is giving up on our right to separate beds, and separate time. We spend literally all day focussing on him (as we should) but would hugely appreciate a break from that, in the form of bedtime. We would value sleeping and waking up in one place, without a child involved.

You can call that harsh, or shout, but the answer - certainly in my house, involves aiming for not moving.

Frankly if I was being told I had to commit to one of us cosleeping and the other sleeping alone, for the foreseeable - I’d be moving out. So would my partner, if that’s helpful to know.

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I am shocked at someone perceiving co-sleeping in such a perverted way. Is that ok with you?

You do realise that not everyone views being a parent in the same way as you? I think given that we have successfully reared three children to adulthood we have a pretty good idea what we are doing! Glad we are not all the same.