Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

And who withdrew that, I wonder? (no pun intended!)

Absolutely. And one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your child is parents who are in a genuinely happy, mutually supportive relationship.

Hang on just a minute - who put "sex on hold"? And why is it up to the OP to train her child to sleep in his own bed? He has a father as well as a mother?? If this is a hill for him to die on, let him put his money where his mouth is, selfish get! Sex is only on hold because he's being such a dick about where it happens!!

Absolutely not. He is. His insistence on sex on his terms or none at all is completely unreasonable, as is his inability to settle his own child during the night, his failure to do anything to move his son into his own room, and his acceptance of the fact that his wife will be sleep deprived, just so he can get his end away in his own bed! Disgusting!

I only ever have sex on my terms or not at all. I kind of thought that was my right as an autonomous being. Or is it different for OP’s husband because he’s a man?

Of course he doesn't have to have sex.

The thing is he's not saying he doesn't feel like sex, he's saying he'll only have sex in the bed. Which turns out to be the only effort he's able to make towards fixing the sleep issues his wife is having while finding herself solely responsible for night time parenting. If ops dh is feeling undervalued he should help, take some responsibility for his own kid and give her some options.

There's no "should" about it. This is the easiest way for the OP to get decent sleep. Why should she have to wake several times a night to settle THEIR son, who sleeps soundly all night, having got his way and had sex in the marital bed? Plenty of other places to have sex!

It IS about the OP not being sleep deprived. And selfish ass husband is doing literally nothing about the situation. OP is DNBU!

Utter bullshit.

So if your husband said he wouldn't have sex with you until you decorated the bedroom by yourself while he slept, you'd be okay with that?

(Weird analogy I know, but I was trying to highlight that what he's asking for is his responsibility as much as it is hers.)

Sure then the best option for everyone as a few have said now.

Double bed in child’s room. Child goes to sleep firstly alone in their bed. Op and dh hopefully get even an hour in their shared bed. If / when the child wakes up op or the dh can sleep in the child’s bed.

I expect after a while of their new bed smelling like mummy/daddy they will start sleeping better in there anyway.

You're the one with the horrible mind!!! It is NOT PERVERSE!!! IT'S VERY NATURAL!!

Such a nasty, ill-informed comment! What a truly sick way of looking at things!

I was away last week with my adult DDs. We shared a room. Is that also "perverse"??

Depends though, doesn't it?

Like would you want to decorate the bedroom with someone when 6 months ago you told them that you didn't like the colour/style etc but they still decorated the bedroom against your wishes anyway?

No, he hasn't. It's for the benefit of his child too!

Perhaps if he wanted to choose the bloody curtains he should have helped!

What a boring sex life you must have! Live a little!

Having sex next to your 3 year old. Yikes.

Literally, why are you shouting.

I agree, he needs to help settle his child. But the overall aim should be everyone in their own beds. He absolutely should support in that.

We currently do 2 (or 3 at a push) wake ups before anyone moves, and have been for 6 months.

Nobody in my relationship is giving up on our right to separate beds, and separate time. We spend literally all day focussing on him (as we should) but would hugely appreciate a break from that, in the form of bedtime. We would value sleeping and waking up in one place, without a child involved.

You can call that harsh, or shout, but the answer - certainly in my house, involves aiming for not moving.

Frankly if I was being told I had to commit to one of us cosleeping and the other sleeping alone, for the foreseeable - I’d be moving out. So would my partner, if that’s helpful to know.

YABU. Why aren't you encouraging your child's independence?

Selfish for wanting to sleep in his own bed with his own missus? And yeah to have sex in it. Hardly a strange thing to want. Loads of couples have sex in their beds.

Co sleeping is most certainly not abusive, it is natural and still common in many societies (thank god!) and I imagine having sex in the same room as a sleeping child is also fairly common if we consider all the different societies and look at behaviours over time. Having separate rooms is quite new in historical terms and far from universal.
And as the op has stated there are other ways to have sex anyway so hardly an issue.
My view is the husband is being ridiculous and if he sees the situation as a problem and does not like the suggested solution (spare room or sofa for sex) then he can work on the alternative himself (supporting the toddler in sleeping in his own bed). Personally I love co sleeping and I wouldn't be keen on his ridiculous attitude. Life is too short for this nonsense. My husband and I co sleep with our 4yrs old (in fairness we moved the other children out of our bed aged 2 but our youngest has additional needs so she is staying put for the foreseeable). We can still be intimate in other suitable ways and places.

Imagine if a bloke told a woman she could only have sex in the kitchen. We’d all be in uproar, calling him controlling and saying he’s taken away her choice.

Weird.

That is absolute nonsense! "Once you let your child into your bed, you'll never get them out" is just not true!! All of mine moved to their own room without any issue, at just under 2 for the eldest, and over 4 for the other two. It's not "lazy parenting" and even if it was, surely everyone getting a full night's sleep is a huge priority? Is breastfeeding also "lazy parenting" in your eyes? Much less effort and faff than bottles? I don't actually GAF if anyone thinks it's "lazy" - it worked! I was working FT and didn't have the energy for broken sleep!

My children felt safe and secure in bed with me, to the extent that when it was time for them to move out, they did so very easily. They were never "sad/scared/lonely" (what a load of fucking tripe!) in either bedroom. They all went to sleep independently, and I joined them later.

Zero regrets! I would do it all again in the morning. Happy times! You missed out!

contrary to what others are saying - you don’t need to stop cosleeping at all, it’s totally normal. But obviously do not have sex if your 3yo is in bed… maybe that’s a misleading title for the thread!
I feel like your husband is being unreasonable by withholding it if it’s not in bed!! I get he wants cuddles after but surely that may have to wait… co sleeping won’t be forever!!!
A marriage isn’t based purely upon sex, why do we as women have to think that! You still love each other right?

It's not "wrong" at all. You just have a very limited comprehension of what's 'right'!!

There are some awfully tight apron strings on this thread.