Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

YABU.

You implied a large swathe of the population of the world, and this forum was abnormal for choosing to sleep near or with their children. So you started it 😬

Anyway, a point to a PP who said children must learn to “self settle” or “self soothe”. News flash! Nobody self settles or self soothes. Everyone has a crutch of some sort. When you’re tiny, it can be your parent. When you’re older, it’s music, a bath, a glass of wine, a haircut, a long drive, fishing, a spa day, a nap, an evening out with a friend, nightclub, art class etc etc etc. You don’t feel stressed and sit staring into space indefinitely until you feel less stressed/anxious/sad etc. Well, very few do.

No, you get into bed and fall asleep. Most people don't need to do anything apart from be tired and then go to bed. We snuggle down and that's it.

I honestly don't think this is the case.

I've always struggled with my sleep but everyone else I've ever shared a bedroom with - from parents to friends to partners, has always just been able to roll over and go to sleep. They don't need a routine or a comfort item or to do X or Y. They literally just get in bed, close their eyes and are gone.

If I was you (because, I sort of am, just with an older child that used to sleep brilliantly, and is now rubbish...) I would convert the spare room in to your toddler's room, put them to sleep in there in a bed big enough for two. Then you go and sleep in your master bedroom with your DH, have sex when you wish, and then when your child wakes in the night, you just go and get in to bed with them for the rest of the night.

I know lots of people will tell you to train your child to sleep in their own bed alone etc - but that doesn't always work - I've tried every technique going with mine and all that happens is that we all end up sleep deprived and grumpy. So we opted for 'whatever gets us all the most sleep' and that has been, starts off in his own bed alone, then one of us joins him, when he wakes in the night.

News flash! Nobody self settles or self soothes.

Don't be ridiculous!

However, the point here is that the OP has only one child and a 3 bed house. Pretty simple to set up the child's bedroom so that whichever adult is settling them when they wake that night, can stay in there is they would rather do that than settle the child and then return to their own bed.
It isn't the choice of OP having their child in her and her dh's bed, despite the fact it is only her that wants this, or child somehow being ignored.
Every couple have to do what's right for them, but the point is, this isn't right for them both and I'm not sure why her dh gets no say in this, when the overwhelming majority of posters throughout the 19 pages so far, have agreed with him and said the OP is BU. The child isn't a newborn, they are coming up to 3 years old.

I do.

So do all 3 of mine who are younger than OP’s child.

A few immediate posters missing the point about self settling. I am talking about calming yourself in times of stress, or making yourself feel better when you’re sad etc. Many many people use an outside crutch to do this, with examples that I’ve given.

The falling to sleep is only one small example. I’m talking about soothing general anxiety, stress or upset. This is likely to be how a toddler feels if they wake up in the night and want to be with their parent.

Many (children and adults) can fall back asleep. Many can’t. If a toddler needs the comfort of a parent currently, what’s the big deal? Why is a grown man not getting his needs met unacceptable, but a toddler not getting their needs met acceptable? Things are backwards.

You and your 3 children sit silently, staring into space when you’re feeling upset or stressed? No tears, no conversation, no comfort sought or offered? Really?

There’s a difference between a want and a need. A 3 year old might want to sleep with their parent at night but it isn’t a need.

I think they are just thick and can't read with comprehension

YABU. 3 years is a long time to not get to have unscheduled sex in your own bed imo. And 3 is quite old for co sleeping. Invs the kid can come in for a nice cuddle in the morning but at 3 I'd want them in their own bed for the night.

YABU

Going to sleep? They comfort themselves and have never co-slept.

Plenty of cuddles when it isn’t bedtime of course or if they have a nightmare or feel poorly at night.

Why should OP have to be the unhappy one dealing with a waking toddler and getting little sleep though just because her H refuses to have sex anywhere except in bed? Why should she prioritise her H's 'happiness' over her own and her child's happiness when there is a very workable solution - continuing to bedshare and using the other bed or the sofa if they want to have sex?

OP is NBU, they only stay little for a short time and her toddler will soon enough be out of their bed and happy sleeping alone.

IMO if we swap beds, or encourage co-sleeping, we’re not teaching that child that they CAN sleep alone, and it’s not an upsetting or traumatic experience - doesn’t have to be anyway. It’s taking independence from them, which surely we’re all aiming for.

Every time someone gets into bed with them, we’re confirming that it’s exactly right they’re upset about being in their own bed, and that we’re here to fix it.

I’m not sure why that’s a message anyone wants to deliver or confirm.

Your poor husband. YABU. I agree that taking the spontaneity out of sex by having to go to a different room is a mood killer. Your bed is also your husband’s bed so it is unfair to disregard his feelings.

I never co-slept with mine and won’t be doing it with our next one, I think that’s a big reason why we have a strong relationship and secure, happy kids. Happy relationship = happy kids.

I still don’t understand how that’s manipulative. Unless I’ve missed something and he has said ‘I won’t have sex with you till you do what I want’. He clearly doesn’t want to cosleep (so it hasn’t been a shared decision) and one of the issues (not the only issue) is that he doesn’t want to have sex in random places because there is a child in his bed. If he doesn’t want to have sex, he doesn’t have to.

Let’s turn it around, if my husband doesn’t do his fair share in the house it leaves me feeling tired and undervalued and I don’t want to have sex. So I don’t. Some might say that I’m withholding sex to get him to do more housework and I’m manipulating him. In actual fact it’s a massive turn off and as I don’t have to have sex with anyone I don’t want to, when I don’t want to even if I’m married to them.

Yes, there is a big difference between not being in the mood for sex and choosing not to have sex to punish your partner or to get your own way. The OP's DH not being in the mood for sex on the couch or amongst the clutter in the spare bedroom is not him "witholding" sex.

I’m not against co-sleeping, however the concept has to be revisited when it has not been agreed by both parents - and where it seems here the OP is doing it for her own benefit to the detriment of her relationship. There are a number of factors to consider.

Her own benefit = actually getting sleep rather than up and down all night (whilst husband sleeps)

I'd say that 'benefit' is more important than the husbands prioritising sex in his location of choice, with his wife that will probably be too tired to even want it.

Urgh.

I of mine often gets in with us. We usually start them off in their own bed and then I decide depending on how tired I am if they get in with us later after sex. I will usually try to settle in their bed first time. Dad just gets in with the youngest if I'm really tired as they seem to sleep through then but wouldn't until over 2 at least let him settle them if they woke. It sounds like he is trying to force you to stop co sleeping though he should be more understanding and flexible especially as you are the 1 up. You have to be when you have kids.

YABU on a few fronts
Your DC should, at 3, be able to sleep in their own bedroom, they shouldn't need to sleep with you, they have shown they have no actual sleep issues, they sleep all night.
Also it sounds like you are wanting them to sleep in your bed because YOU like it, you like waking up beside them and don't like getting up during the night. That's just lazy parenting.
It would be slightly different if your DH was on board but he's, quite rightly, not.
You both need your step up and teach your DC to sleep in their own room

You're unreasonable

Sometimes you have to change things up for a while when you have children.

So, unless Mr Sex-on-legs decides to deign to take a turn to settle the child, then I think @dhnosex's need for sleep trumps his wish for sex in the marital bed!

I've never done well with ultimatums either.