Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Yes I'm confused too. My eldest is a similar age to OP's and most of my mum friends are still cosleeping - very normal imo.

Well you’re being purposefully obtuse. I didn’t say you were ignorant. I said making sweeping statements about what’s “normal” is ignorant.

But we can agree that we have different opinions, and we do what we believe is best for our own children.

Many posters acting like the OP is strange perhaps don’t currently have small children. So they don’t realise how widespread co-sleeping is now.

But we can agree that we have different opinions, and we do what we believe is best for our own children

Well exactly. Beggars belief this thread has got so heated.

Tbf, Bolton became quite heated towards me 😁

'it'? Why do you need your husband in your comfortable marital bed? Did you not learn to self settle? Maybe your parents should have sleep trained you harder.

No issue if both parents are in full agreement. If the DH here were happy, this couple would be making time and space for sex all over their house!

The issue here is that DH is NOT happy. So he is refusing to have sex. That is a pretty strong signal as to how unhappy he is.

OP needs to have a long conversation with her husband. He probably never wanted this and feels 3 years is long enough.

This is a relationship issue rather than a sex issue. Once this couple come together and listen to each other, the sex issue will fix itself.

So you need a cuddle and comfort, but a toddler doesn't?

Humans are also the o ly mammal that requires privacy for sex.
You think a Daddy Monkey Cares if other monkeys see him shaggin mummy Monkey?

Also other mammals are very quick to sort out inconvenient offspring with effective and permanent results.

It's always easy to pick and choose which parts to highlight.

Ok putting aside the sec question because quite frankly it’s irrelevant. Your DH clearly isnt happy with your son in his bed, it’s disturbing his sleep and yes disturbing his sex life, he’s entitled to feel this way. You are tired and don’t want to be running back and forth to a bad sleeping toddler, and you enjoy collapsing, you’re entitled to feel this way. There is a very simple solution to this that keeps everyone happy.

the set up in our house is as follows. DS has a small double in his own room. At bed time him and I cuddle until he’s asleep, I then leave him with a monitor on him, spend the evening with DH, lie in “our” bed and watch tv and yes occasionally have sex, read books etc. When it’s time for lights out and go to sleep and not a moment earlier I leave “our” room and go sleep with DS. I get to co sleep and me and DH still have our time in our bedroom in the evening. Everyone’s happy and everyone’s sleeping.

He is being unreasonable. No reason you can't run into the other room, especially if it has a duvet/is made up.
Re the co sleeping, I'd start with a mattress on the floor of the toddler's room and someone sleeps in there.

At least, the toddler should start their night off in their own bed and if they come in to you, that's fine.
But they shouldn't be put to bed in your bed. Because then they think 'this is my bed'.

My kids got lots of cuddles and comfort. In their own bed if needed. And at other times of day. I sleep trained them ( I suspect that makes me the spawn of the devil! ) so we all got a good night's sleep.

But he's providing one circumstance where he's prepared to have sex, and that just happens to conflict with a parenting decision they ought to be making together and both taking responsibility for. It sounds manipulative to me.

OP you must be ready to pull your hair out by now! I have never seen so many questions that have already been answered over and over again in my life! This is just life the way it is for you right now, I’m pretty sure he could manage to have sex in another room ffs! If you’re planning on weaning off the go-sleeping at some point then have that discussion about a plan.

It sounds manipulative to me.

I think it’s six of one and a half dozen of the other.

I am perhaps taking some of the responses to this thread a bit personally as I have a disabled DC and cosleeping with them is pretty much the only peaceful, close time we get together. Most of our waking time together is challenging so our bond would suffer immensely if I couldn’t do it for some reason. Yes I value that special time together more than I value having sex in my own bed, when there are plenty of other places to do that.

People are being very judgemental about others’ decisions here when there is simply no need. One size does not fit all and people have different priorities.

So you think they're both being unreasonable?

I’m on your husbands side here.

Having sex on the sofa where guests, family and your child will sit on is fucking grim. You can’t wash a sofa like you can with bedding.

Either sleep train your child to sleep in their own room, or just hold off on the sex until your bed no longer accommodates your child.

Most of the responses on here against cosleeping are too vague ("because a child should sleep in his bed" which isn't a reason but an opinion). Or misogynistic (do as your husband says so he can get what he wants, never mind what you and the child want).

The truth of the matter is that co-sleeping is not at all bad for children, and many many families manage to do it without divorcing or social services getting involved, or the child still climbing into bed when they're 27.

Can you not put a double or three quarter bed in your toddler's room to co-sleep with him - then join your husband sometines for a tumble in the marital bed?

Yup.

I don't think that either of you are being unreasonable here, and I sympathise with both of you. I think you should have a good chat with your DH, trying very hard to not let the conversation become combative. Try and empathise with him and give him lots of space to share how he feels. You might find that once he feels heard, he will come around to a plan of a reasonable timeframe to end the cosleeping and having sex in the spare room (or initially putting DC to sleep in the spare room and having sex in your bed, then bringing in DC afterwards). I would buy a nice cot to keep right next to your side of the bed, and start putting DC in it for the first part of the night to get them used to having their own bed. You will still feel close to them and your DH will be happy that you are compromising.

I breastsleep with my DS so I know what it's like. Thankfully my DH enjoys having us close by. I think women tend to be more relaxed about sex with little ones near by than men because we still feel the physical closeness of having carried them. But it is a perfectly natural practice. When we lived in a more primitive way, large families would sleep in the same space. Couples weren't sneaking off at night, they were just discreet. Many peoples of the world still live this way and find the modern Western habit of keeping babies in separate rooms and beds abhorrent.

Could you get a double into the child’s room.

Child can be in there room, you and dh can go to bed together and have sex in the marital bed. Then if you want to co sleep later on in the night you go to the child bed?

I’ll be honest and say though I’ve never let my children sleep in my bed. Come in for morning cuddle lazy morning when little but they have never slept in my bed that’s the one space that’s not taken over by children and child things tbh. The little slice of being Wellington rather than Pie’s mummy.

"why"?
Would be my question
Is your bedroom cosy and relaxing but the spare room full of clutter and junk and he is unable to relax and enjoy sex?
Could you make this space a relaxing cosy bedroom instead of a junk space and compromise on having sex in there?

I wouldn’t want to shag in the spare room or on the sofa either whilst a toddler was in my bed

YABU