Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

You are not describing a better way of doing things, just a different way. Both approaches have pros and cons.

The point remains whether it's a woman or a man who want "cuddles". Why is it okay for an adult to seek that comfort? Or that want from another human?

Sleeping in your own beds works for some but clearly not all.

Haven't read the whole thread.

Tbh - i would have thought most men would have jumped at the chance of a bit more adventurous sex on the kitchen table, in the shower, car , garden etc etc.

So - i think the issue here that you dh is totally resentful of your ds literally coming between you and he is using sex as a bit of a weapon here - withdrawing it until you sort the bed situation out.

And - for your part you are proritising your son above your DH.

So this is a relationship issue, rather than a sex issue. If your relationship was good, your dh would be spicing things up all over the house!

He's probably knackered and just wants a decent night's kip in the bed.

Look OP, your ds has been co sleeping for 3 years!!! It is wrecking your marital relationship. Get the wee man in his own bed, own room and get your marriage back on track before you lose it.

Because all children need learn how to get off to sleep by themselves. It's as simple as that.
Having sex with a partner involves more than just a quick shag, hopefully there is also an emotional connection and for many that doesn't involve getting straight out of bed as though it's meaningless or as though the other party can't wait to get away. It's having a cuddle as well.
I can get off to sleep by myself, just as well as I'm widowed. I'd still like a cuddle and some time together after sex if DH was still here.

Ew I just find it wrong having sex with children in the room. I won't even if the cat is in the room

Cats would Judge such shenanigans with a capital J.

Boltonb · Yesterday 23:07
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Attitudes in this country about cosleeping are so backwards. It’s wonderful to cosleep, and I agree with you that sex needs to just be planned differently. Clear the spare room.

No they’re not.

Why should an adult be relegated to the spare room in his home?

Why don’t you and your toddler co-sleep in the spare room? Then you can go back to your bed and your husband for sex and return to co-sleeping in the spare room after.

That’s such a funny attitude. You could also ask why would a grown adult, who knows the world and is able you’d think to manage his emotional needs with perspective and compromise needing to prioritise himself over a small child who knows none of that and remove the child from its parents at night? The OP has explained the child was a poor sleeper and co sleeping has helped, it’s not forever.

It’s so funny you use the word relegated. Like a bit of a change in the use of the bed to help settle his child is somehow impacting this grown man’s status. How insecure would you have to be to view it that way due to a tiny child you (presumably) actively chose to bring into the world.

I think it’s important that parents, adults, sometimes prioritise each other and themselves too. Miserable parents are far less effective, it’s about everyone’s happiness - including both of the adults.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a couple to have time together, in their own space, without the child.

People criticising the fact that OP is prioritising her 2 year old over her adult husband. It’s so bizarre. Why would BOTH parents not prioritise the comfort and happiness of a small child over an adult?

Our 2 year old is both of our priorities. All the time. With enough emotional/physical input to also have plenty of love and consideration for eachother as parents and lovers.

I don’t understand not prioritising a small child and meeting their needs first and foremost.

BluePapillon · Today 14:03
That’s such a funny attitude. You could also ask why would a grown adult, who knows the world and is able you’d think to manage his emotional needs with perspective and compromise needing to prioritise himself over a small child who knows none of that and remove the child from its parents at night? The OP has explained the child was a poor sleeper and co sleeping has helped, it’s not forever.
It’s so funny you use the word relegated. Like a bit of a change in the use of the bed to help settle his child is somehow impacting this grown man’s status. How insecure would you have to be to view it that way due to a tiny child you (presumably) actively chose to bring into the world.

Not insecure at all. I want to share my bed with my husband. If the kids were unwell, they came in with me or him. Otherwise, at 3, they were in their own beds. Which is normal for kids who are secure.

Sounds like you just need to choose between co-sleeping with your child or your marriage then, because it’s a tough job to keep a marriage going without intimacy.

My concern would be that if a three year old genuinely “needs” their parent with them to sleep, that’s some fairly big attachment.

That’s the issue we have at home - he’s so attached, and genuinely obsessed, that he cannot settle or sleep alone. Doesn’t matter how you dress that up, it’s not healthy and doesn’t foster independence.

It’s also a lot of pressure, sometimes we’d quite like some space.

It’s really unhealthy to never prioritise anything other than your child.

Agreed.

@MrsSkylerWhite you are at risk of sounding woefully ignorant and old fashioned. Parents insisting that children sleep in their own beds doesn’t make them secure. The children aren’t making a choice, they are simply following rules.

Similar to the fact that cry it out doesn’t teach “self soothing”. It teaches that it’s pointless to cry as nobody is coming to rescue you. So a small baby CAN sleep through the night, but it’s certainly not because they’re thinking “I’m so secure, and there’s nothing to worry about”.

I notice you use “were” not “are” which might mean that you were parenting a while ago, and we know much more now about attachment and security between small children and their caregiver/s.

Many parents do what they believe is best, for whatever reason. Many parents follow certain guidance from the time that they’re parenting. But making sweeping statements about what’s “NORMAL” is ignorant and pointless.

I find it odd how many people think a 3yo cosleeping is weird or even unusual? In our Primary 1 WhatsApp group, there are still quite a few of our kids who come into our bed at some point in the night! It's pretty normal from what I can tell, having talked to many, many mums of little kids at loads of baby and toddler groups over the past five years.

DD2 is 2 now and plenty of her peers are still room and bed sharing. She's never been interested in cosleeping, but DD1 has always been keen on it. She is a happy, confident little girl, happily will be left at clubs, activities, she's often the one leading her friends into place when they are nervous. But she likes to get into bed with me in the night. I said to her she should try to sleep in her own bed all night once and she asked me why and I honestly couldn't think of a good answer! 'Because that's just what people do' suddenly didn't really sound like a good reason 🤷‍♀️

I totally understand why people don't want to cosleep, but don't make it sound like some weird or perverse thing when IME it's totally normal. People get so weirdly incensed about it on here, like it's a moral failing for a child not to sleep 7-7 in their own bed.

@Boltonb - I would argue that prioritising the needs of the child ALL the time could well lead to exhaustion and burn out from the parents and will put a lot of unnecessary strain on the marriage.

There is a saying - “You can’t pour from an empty jug” that I think is relevant here - parents are people too, with needs, and if they are never met, because the children are 100% of the priority, 100% of the time, surely the parents will run out of energy (emotional and mental, as well as physical), to carry on caring for their children.

It is a case of balance - and there is nothing wrong with parents finding time to nurture themselves and their relationships.

Boltonb

Our 4 year old grandson happilly sleeps in his cabin bed, has for a long time. His mum and dad aren’t old fashioned 🤷‍♀️

I’m not ignorant, thank you.

I agree to a point, but if you notice I said we always prioritise our small child whilst still having plenty of time to nurture eachother as parents and lovers. We have a wonderful relationship with eachother, and a wonderful relationship with our little boy.

We cosleep, but he goes to bed hours before us. We get lots of time as a couple. But when we have a 2 year old present, of course he’s the priority. Life and parenting is a constant balance.

OP’s partner is not attempting to find any balance by being so adamant that their child needs to be in another room, and OP needs to suck up the extra work by disturbing their toddlers sleep, just so that he can get enough sex when and where he wants it. Yuck.

It’s ignorant to make sweeping statements.

Like you have on this thread?

Exactly this. Absolutely bizarre reading. I also hate the insinuation that OP has somehow failed by not 'training' her very young child to sleep alone, so her husband can be serviced in the location of his choosing, presumably whilst she goes back and forth to settle said child and then get up for work in the morning.

Why is it that women are told to balance being a mother and 'being a wife' read: give enough sex/attention to the man. Where are these men who are also parents to the child? It shouldn't be child vs husband and mum attending to everyone's needs. It should be both parents working together and supporting one another in order to, dare I say, prioritise small children during this season of your lives.

We disagree, that’s all. Who knows which of us is right, if either? Can only repeat, I am not ignorant, thank you.