Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

JFC the attitudes on this thread.

I co slept until DD was 4.

I was working full time, sleep was a premium to me and she didn't sleep well unless in bed with me.

All good, millions of women do this.

I am a lone parent though so had no relationship to maintain but I think your DH is an idiot.

Unless he is doing his share of the waking in the night etc

I always find it interesting when people think the child should sleep alone so the adults can sleep together.

It’s difficult to think of anything less “interesting” when it’s the norm across the western world.

No, I moved a non-sleeping almost 2 year old into my own bed whilst I was sleep deprived and my DC started sleeping through the night immediately.

It is utterly ridiculous to allow a situation to develop where a 3 or 4 year old sleeps with their parents. When mine were that age I went in and sat by them if they were poorly or upset. If they had wanted to sleep with us I would have turned them round and led them back to their own beds. We are now seeing children arriving at reception class in nappies, unable to use cutlery and being transported in buggies. There is no excuse for any of this, parents need to encourage independence and learn how to say No.

The spare room is in addition to a toddler bedroom. So it's a 3 bed house.
There are only 2 bedrooms in the house with an adult bed - master bedroom and spare room.

@Onthesideofthespiders I didn't suggest having sex with a toddler in the bed. We discussed lack of sex and he said he can't have sex with a toddler in the bed so that's why there is no sex. I questioned why he feels like that bed is the only place for sex when we've also got a spare room and sofa etc

This is exactly the point of the thread. He wants sex but only in our bed in our bedroom. Only at night (when the child is asleep).
But since we can't do it at night in that bed, because the child is asleep in that bed, we don't have sex.

As someone who also Co sleeps, my opinion is that he is unreasonable.
Humans are the only mammal that doesn't sleep with their babies next to them anymore (and that's been quite recent in history). You have many many years to have sex with your husband, and you're right it doesn't have to be in a bed every time (how boring!, though it is nice to do it on your bed when it's free and you haven't been able to because of cosleeping). But you don't have all those years of snuggling little one at night. I say make the most of it and treat yourself to a nice little lingerie set and see if you can get him to the sofa. 😆

The attitude to co sleeping on here is actually quite sad.

Grown man wants cuddles after sex so must retain master bed = totally okay and normal.

Young child seeks comfort at night when they awaken and get scared = fuck em. They must learn.

I must be mental because that to me is weird.

It's mostly in the western world we have this attitude to sleep.

And the argument they will never leave is uttter bullshit - I used to sneak into my mum and brothers rooms when I was younger - I am certainly not doing that now and we all happily live in our own homes.

@Astrabees I think your attitude is very western. Millions of women sleep with their kids. Millions of women don't have two bedroom places. I find your attitude judgemental and snobby.

I co-slept with mine, lone parent, working full time and she was a bad sleeper. It was great and when she was 4 she was all ready for her own bed.

Do what's right for you OP. I think your DH is holding you all to ransom a bit here.

I agree with co sleeping but still maintain, why does op not start of the kid in their own bed and let them come into their bed when the child wakes.
We have 3 DC with which we've all coslept at some age/some parts of the night, and starting them off in their own bed seems like a reasonable compromise.

@dhnosex hasn't answered this.

YABU. Sleeping with your child is only OK if both parents are happy with it.

when we have needed to cosleep the cosleeping parent alway took the DC into the spare room (which you already have) and slept in there with them
we used to alternate each night but DC always started off in their own bed

Incorrect. It's down to who gets up all the time and does the shitty night waking stuff, in this case I would assume it's the OP who probably also works and was getting exhausted.

Or a kennel.

@dhnosex - I agree with the pp who has suggested moving the toddler into the other double bed. You could co-sleep with them there, while they get used to it, and then you could put the toddler to bed in their double bed, while you and dh go off to your room for sex and cuddles. If the child wakes up, you can go and co-sleep with them, but who knows, maybe they won't, and that would be good for all of you.

Actually some of us grown women were quite keen on cuddles after sex.
Neither of mine wanted to sleep in with us, if either was ill one of us went to them. But quite honestly it was better for all of us to get a decent night's sleep in our own beds. FWIW my oldest has a chronic health problem and it was better if he was in his own bed.

YABU.

I have a poor sleeper, mostly due to severe silent reflux and food allergies. We bed share and she's 4. I love the cuddles but hate the flying limbs. I also get touched out and need some time without her. At 2 we put my daughter into a bed, we co sleep whilst she goes to sleep in her room. We used to go to bed at 10 and she typically woke around midnight and then came into our bed for the rest of the night. At 3 she had an awful reflux relapse and went to waking every 40 minutes and only sleeping when held which was excruciating. We started going into her and cosleeping in her bed. The biggest improvement with this was she now asks for daddy as well as mummy in the night so we can share the night. She comes into our bed in the mornings. Her sleep improved by us going into her bed and our relationship improved with having some time for us.
The only options you have proposed have been tweaking the sex and I wonder if it would be worth looking at if the cosleeping could be tweaked to give some intimacy. Could they go to bed in their bed, then you have evening sex in your bed and when you go up to bed to sleep you can bring your son into your bed? I'm with your husband I prefer a bed, I wouldn't be fussed by the spare room, especially if it was set up so that if we fell asleep afterwards I'd still get good sleep - comfy pillows, place to charge phone etc

It is utterly ridiculous to allow a situation to develop where a 3 or 4 year old sleeps with their parents

But why is it ridiculous if the mother is enjoying it and the child is enjoying it?

Obviously a compromise needs to be struck so the adult relationship is not affected, but OP has offered that compromise and he isn’t interested. Why should he get the thing he wants, on his own terms, when the OP has to entirely give up something meaningful to her in order to facilitate that? And then take on all the burden of sleepless nights in addition.

He's not demanding sex. And wives shouldn't be allowed to exclusively dictate the terms of intimacy either: sex is a shared experience between adults. He's perfectly reasonable to expect to have sex in his own bed without a kid around. 3 is old enough to sleep alone.

The only person here trying to exclusively dictate where and when they have sex is the bloke. Theirs the spare bedroom. There's the sofa, there's probably lots of other places - I don't know their specific house, any of those could be used. I don't see why it has to be one specific bed at one specific time and nowhere else. How utterly boring.

What a strange interpretation. Is it withholding sex till someone complies or is it not wanting to have sex under the conditions that it is currently ‘available’?

For example, if my husband said from now on we’re only having sex in the conservatory and I find that a massive turn off so chose not to, am I withholding sex or am I just making an adult choice about my own preferences and boundaries?

@OrangeGreens Because it discourages independence, self settling and the child developing ways to entertain itself if it is awake and others are not. As the OP has indicated it rules out the normal comfortable marital sex that most couples have in their own beds. If the child has a perfectly comfortable bed of its own after age 2, or a cot before this, it should be encouraged to sleep in it.

Dear God, I hope this is a reverse