What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

I thought you weren’t actually together? Nursery runs / unwell days could have been covered by a nanny?
I can’t really see where your “no hope for women” comment is coming from, tbh. Plenty of women do it.

I just wanted to say good on you for hiding your savings. It's what men have been doing forever without a second thought. And I bet they congratulate eachother on a job well done.
It's time women start playing the game too! 😉

I agree that the extra (school costs, which isn't just fees) should be split proportionally. You need to talk it all through, trips, kit, transport, materials etc. Your savings are your business now you've split.

You both want it, so 50/50 is fair, whatever the maintenance.

£30k a YEAR?

Holy crap.

They might do, but we need to stop that rhetoric. Many men actually parent equally. Many men give money for their child's upkeep proportionally, recognising that women's unpaid labour, shouldn't be unpaid. Hope you don't like to limbo because your bar is well too low.

I am sorry to say this but "you are paid £60k but your career is affected" (so presumably you believe you would be paid more if you hadn't had kids). Right. Many families with 2 parents working don't get paid £60k between them. And you have savings he doesn't know about. Without meaning to sound unkind, try thinking about people who are cold and hungry after they've spent 40 years in a stressful, minimally paid job. If you wish to send your child to private school, I'm sure you'll find a way.

Tell him you cant afford it and if he wants her to go, he pays. Either he stumps up, or she goes somewhere else. Job done.

It’s not my bar at all, I’m not in op’s position.
She didn’t have the benefit of one of these men so I don’t know what your point actually is?

I'm sorry but you don't have a leg to stand on. If you are divorced and both agree your daughter should go to private school, you both need to pay equally. I don't see how that would take away from your current support though?

@40somethingme so you think we should pay equally for the schools fees then?

@GranPepper i have no idea why other people’s income or unfortunate circumstances relate to my post.

@Blablasheep thanks. I’m so glad I did too given what he’s done!

@SilverChampagne not sure if you’re aware but a nanny isn’t a free service

@Whatsitreallylike thanks for that calculation. That actually does make me think 50/50 is fair. I think I will suggest the 60-40 but go with 50/50 if he’s awkward about it

Your income including maintenance is equivalent to a salary of £75k, and his after maintenance is equivalent to £89k so there isn't a huge deal of difference really.

However, with a combined net income of circa £110k and 2 households to run I'd seriously question whether you can really commit to school fees of £30k per year.

Perfectly well aware, but you claim your career / future earning capacity was greatly impacted so might have been a useful expense.

It's not just the fees though it's the fact he's not going to contribute more

I think you will feel even MORE resentful if he doesn't also start paying for uniform/music lessons/extra curricular - you're also going to be paying for all the trips and the party gifts and bloody everything

£890 is not going to cover all the above even if he pays 60:40

Is there no good state option where you can then spend loads of money (but less than £2600 a month on schooling) on extra tuition/music/drama/ fabulous sports/ - there's just so much you can do with that

@SilverChampagne yes and being unable to earn more meant I couldn’t magically afford that with nursery fees. Not sure what you’re not getting here 🤦🏼‍♀️

It should be proportional to your incomes.

So he pays 62.5% and you pay 37.5%.

He pays £18,750
You pay £11,250

There should not even be any suggestion that this lowers his maintenance obligation, because her living expenses will not change at all, and it's not like he can't afford it.

I suppose I was trying to say, and I am sorry if you felt I said it clumsily, you are paid decent money and I'm sure you will find a way of sending your child to private school if you wish to, and other people (and they're not specifically your problem, of course they're not) have different problems

@GranPepper yes I am aware of that. Obviously I have just posted about one issue in my life at the moment. I do understand other people have many other challenges and lots of them are financial.

Plus, fees go up every year

I would seriously rethink private school, it doesn’t sound like you both earn enough.

You say you have savings, but surely you would have used them to pay for wrap around care to ensure your career didn’t stagnate, and benefitted from increased pension contributions.

I have seen it happen several times.
Its risky but hopefully OP knows best