What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

I get that, but given he only pays you the bare minimum as it is, you'll likely struggle to cover all the extras (trips, uniforms, extra-curriculars etc.) on your income, and fees will only go up as she moves through the system.

I just think you'll be risking a lot. And what happens if he refuses to pay or loses his job?

Sounds like a bit of both

@Rightiojames the ex for doing next to nothing parenting wise

Or dies

You know he's a shit parent now though and are making the choice now based on your current incomes. Can you afford half the fees? If not then she can't go.

50/50. The child maintenance is a decent amount.

Then make your life your own and don't rely on him. Use wrap around child care, work full time, work when she's asleep.

Yes, but his CMS is his contribution to “parenting”. He doesn’t have to pay anything beyond that. And the proportional payments would be one thing if you were married or still together however you aren’t, so your finances aren’t any of his business and vice versa.

Well, you can’t afford it, but you won’t hear that. Fees will go up every year. Fees are only one part of the expense - uniforms, trips, etc.

As he’s happy to only be paying minimum now, I wouldn’t bet my child’s security on him feeling generous about school fees forever.

Even if he splits fees, you’d be paying 25% of your gross income on fees, which is unaffordable in many’s eyes.

If he meets someone else/has a child/gets married/decides to retire early/go part time to enjoy time with his new partner etc etc it could all change, and your child is at his mercy, no matter where she is in her schooling career/exams etc.

It’s ludicrous.

Whilst 100k is a very healthy salary
He’ll pay 32k deductions
at a guess5k pension
10k maintenance
30 k school fees

that 77k before he’s housed and freed himself I don’t think that’s realistic

I think it should be a 50/50 split too.

Whatever you decide I'd recommend either making him the primary payer (and you give him your share) or ensure it's set up at school that you pay your share each. I've had issues where my Ex didn't pay me back on a timely basis which caused cashflow issues

You don't earn enough between you to pay 30k a year which will go up.
Then there are extras too.

I would have a conversation with him - be honest and say that you feel your earning power has been reduced by doing the majority of parenting and that you feel a 60/40 split on the school fees would be fair. At the end of the day you can't force him to pay more than half but if he's reasonable, hopefully he'll see your point.

I wouldn't send your child to that school in this scenario. The risks are too high - he could lose his job, get nasty/uncooperative, move abroad... anything.

At some point you will have to stop looking back (his actions inhibited your career progress) and look forward. £60k plus healthy maintenance payments plus hidden savings is enough to live very comfortably on if you don't have the burden of school fees.

50:50 however he doesn't have to pay anything beyond CSA. Unless you have a backup I wouldn't send her there. You're not going to be able to afford half your annual wages if he stops paying.

Sorry but 30k on private school so effectively 60k pre tax income is crazy on those salaries regardless of how you split it.

You must be mad op if you're reliant on him paying towards it in order to send her.

He could remarry. New wife puts her foot down.
Have more dc.
Drop dead.
Get fired.
Become unwell.
Change his mind.
Make poor financial decisions leading to debt and financial difficulty.

In a marriage you have joint plans, joint decisions, joint access to money, joint insurances against disaster.

To put your faith in another person paying a small fortune every single term for a decade or more - with no knowledge of, access to or control of their finances. Well. Unwise to put it mildly.

Proportionate to salary is fair

does he understand why you earn less

because that is the the reason why it should be proportionate

Have you considered all of the extra costs too? It costs a fortune.

Have you talked about this with him?

If he's the one who's keen, you need to come to an agreement with him regarding who pays what, that this should be for all her school life, who pays what for which extras. Put everything on the table and come to an agreement. If you can't afford what he proposes you pay, DD will not be able to attend. If you can, she can. This isn't something to play games around.

I wouldn't send my child to private in your position. You're at the mercy of your ex and you could be in a position where he no longer wants to pay it and you have to move her. As a single parent I would never commit to something like that unless I could afford to fund it myself,

How sure are you about no more kids ?
It's hard to know what would be fair in fees without further financial information from both

Is DD just about to start school or is she already at school and moving to a private school?

Honestly you are not earning enough IME.