What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

Could you afford to pay 30k per year by yourself though? Because that's what you're potentially signing yourself up for.

He's under no obligation to pay school fees so you should get a written agreement to cover the first few years plus any child maintenance.

They are very expensive fees though, can you really afford them either of you?

I’d go 50:50 with no change in maintenance. And 50:50 on all future school-related expenses including trips, sports, uniforms.
If he wants to do 50:50 and reduce the maintenance I would say no, not affordable.

But honestly on your salaries I’d reconsider it all together as it sounds like you’re stretching yourself too thinly.

He can pay half but then no CMS is fair.

@coffeesaveslives yes from savings I could pay 7 years so not all of it. He doesn’t know I have savings. I also don’t think I should have to use them for 50% of fees. That’s more my point, not the affording it aspect.

You shouldn’t hide your savings to get more money out of ex. It’s just plain wrong. He’s not even a particularly high earner and already pays you generously having his own living expenses.

I don't understand why you're focusing on employment income as the measure of how it should be split if you both have lots of other assets/ income. 50/50 seems the obvious way to do it if you're both quite wealthy independent of both your salaries.

Have you been to court to get him to more parenting? If not, why not?

So if you can afford 7 years at 30k from savings you’ve hidden from him some how you have squirrelled away 200k of family money when you were with him

Can you force someone to do more parenting via the courts? I don't think they can make such an order.

Why not? You're expecting him to pay a massive proportion of his income.

You're being a bit "what's yours is ours and what's mine's my own" here.

@40somethingme he’s paying cms minimum 🤦🏼‍♀️ the fact it’s a reasonable amount is simply in relation to his high earnings.

She’s treating her ex like a millionaire despite the fact that after paying her nearly 1k per month he’s closer to someone on a 70k salary.

@BarbaraHoward yes I can see that. I guess because I feel my career has been hampered by his lack of parenting

But his earnings aren’t particularly high

But as much as you don't want to hear it, what you think is irrelevant. What happened when you were together and the impact that had on your career is also (rightly or wrongly) irrelevant.

You're no longer together and you can't force him to pay anything towards her schooling, let alone more than 50% of it. So you need to decide whether you're willing and able to fund the lot yourself and act accordingly.

@TerryKirby of course you can’t. But it’s rather sad you think it’s the woman’s job to sort that! He parents when he fancies.

Presumably it's the family money she referred to - an inheritance or gift she hasn't told him about.

I stand by my earlier comment that the OP isn't angry at the ex, she resents that she's a parent.

@coffeesaveslives yes what you say is true but I do believe the impact on my career should be a factor moving forward even if that isn’t officially recognised (like nothing is for women, let’s face it!)

What they would have done while they were still together isn't relevant now - they're not together and they each have their own homes etc. to fund, so their situation isn't what it was.

You need to get over that I'm afraid. He's your ex, he doesn't owe you and your career anything.

How did his lack of parenting hamper your career so badly?
You could have paid for childcare if you’d wanted to keep your foot on the ladder?
Unless you were expecting him to actually work shorter hours I can’t see where he’s to blame.

@Rightiojames because I think it’s unfair my career has suffered because the man has done next to nothing? You really need to reflect on your thought process here.