What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

You are both on the same page re school and education, so that is a win. You can take some satisfaction in the fact that you have reached this point civilly. Well done.
You are getting too hard a time re your point about your career suffering. It’s well -nigh impossible to keep two high octane careers going when you have kids without a lot of help and even then, it can be a miserable experience for parents and kids. Something invariably gives and that something is often the mother’s career.
Doesn't always happen like that but whether separated or not, this is often the case.
You have to make your peace with it to a certain extent and look for other outlets for personal fulfilment if you can. Kids are super-sensitive to this and even though any resentment is around the situation you find yourself in and not your DC it’s too subtle a distinction for kids. They will suck up any quiet resentment they encounter - even if you think you are hiding it. In my experience, you need to grieve the career that could have been and get over it. Focus on the positives.
Having said that, him paying maintenance does not equal you doing all the parenting, all the mental load and all the being there 24/7. That is worth way more than £890 a month (or whatever). You taking care of his child 24/7, allowing him to build his career, have the social life he desires and a relationship with DC is priceless to him. You need to value yourself here.
I would consider playing hardball. If he doesn’t step up and pay the lion’s share of the fees, I would tell him you won’t send her. You have no idea what might happen in the future which means you need these savings for yourself and DC and if you overcommit now, there is no renegotiating.
He may have roughly equal pay to you after maintenance payments but he has the capacity for higher pay rises in future. You also need to be taking pension into account in this calculation. A 50/50 split devalues the contribution you are making by actively parenting his (and your) child. He is paying minimum CMS. He is already getting the best deal financially (you will get the better deal in the long run as you will have the closer relationship with DC - riches beyond price) Stand firm OP. Know your worth. Negotiate firmly. Be prepared to walk away a few times while he thinks about things. Make sure you write everything down and you both have copies (signed) Negotiate all the extras -trips, uniform, extra tuition ( most private school kids have 2 or 3 tutors) extracurriculars at the same time. Good luck.

I am a bit risk adverse! I don’t usually count money or make descions on money I don’t have. If you both want to send her to private school then you both should pay half. This is separate from what he is already paying, and this should balance out your loss of earnings due to being a single parent,
should your ex remarry or have another child or is unwell etc and his circumstances change you would be stuck with covering the entire bill. Is this something you have considered? Do you have enough savings to cover this? It would be unfair to get your child accustomed to a lifestyle you just cannot afford.

In that case you should both pay half the fees, and it shouldn't make a difference to the maintenance he pays you either!

I agree with this - if he doesn't want to pay, then your child doesn't go totally the school. Fees on top of maintenance because you will still have child-rearing costs outside of schooling.

I think you should pay the fees proportional to your earnings and it's on top of maintenance. However I think you're living beyond your means as neither of you are especially high earners. Have you considered what it will be like for your DD surrounded by very wealthy people? It's not just the fees, it's the whole lifestyle.

It does sound risky if he's not on board. Did both or only one of you sign the contract with the school? If it's just you you'll be legally responsible for the full amount including the cost of whatever notice period they have If you pull DD out. You also need to be able to pay all the extras and the uniform. If he's likely to stop maintenance if he's paying school fees you're going to struggle to get anything more out of him.

This is great advice
but I’m not sure about the ‘most private kids have extra tuition’ comment. My three attended two Indis and I don’t know any kid that ever had private tuition. Except one for golf.
It’s worth noting OP that extra curriculars are huge at Indis and if your dd does Saturdays aswell as the longer school days they won’t be doing much more during term time than what’s on offer at school.

It’s worth querying these issues with the school though.

The tutor thing is controversial and few parents admit it but it’s super prevalent at secondary level or it was when my 3 were at school. Also prevalent in top state schools.

@MrsKeats what do you think someone needs to earn to pay £30k?

To just answer your question, looking at take home pay and maintenance payment 50 : 50 would be financially fair but you could reasonably ask for 55. You also need to consider his long work hours are producing his salary but precluding him from being a bigger part of your child’s life. Do you want to have a discussion around this and how things could potentially change in this area?
It really makes me question our society when everyone knows how expensive nursery fees are but do not think this cost should be 50:50 funded and then remaining maintenance costed out afterwards.
It is absolutely unfair for women to fund any shortfalls and just maintains the relative gender poverty cycle. You say you have looked at alternative private schools but could you cost out good state schools with tutors as an alternative? This would actually provide an easier route into 6th form and Uni down the line.
I’m guessing the options just aren’t there though.
The majority of Private schools are generally a real mix of children with parents earning vastly different salaries. They often have overseas students too so it’s a much more diverse, enriching cohort than many people envisage. With your savings, and invested grandparents, paying the fees should be fine and as your child matures after school opportunities should afford more time for you to work etc.

£12k out of a £60k salary is a lot and that’s only if he agrees to split based on earnings. You’d only be able to do this if you had no mortgage and few outgoings I reckon. This q is really like asking how long is a piece of string tho. We’ve no idea what your mortgage/food and other expenditures are. If you own outright then fine, if not, I wouldn’t do it

Fees are the tip of the iceberg at private school. Can you afford the rest of the costs too? If you can't afford them alone then don't send her private, as it's unlikely you can rely on him

How old is your child? Because it doesn't really sound like you could afford private school on your salaries as you have to run 2 households.

Why you sending her dd to private school if you can't afford it it. Yabu

If you both agree then 50/50 fees and he should still pay the same amount of CM, because her expenses outside of school will more than likely increase (especially attending a private school they will put on expensive events, uniform, school items etc) - Not to mention her living expenses will remain the same.

I guess considering that both of you want her to go to private school it should be split as a percentage of your salary so the impact on you both is the same and your XDH should continue to pay maintenance as a separate thing, however on a joint income of £160,000 I think it will be tight financially for you both as I’m assuming £160,000 income is gross not net?

Start by asking him what he's prepared to pay towards school fees & go from there. If he says he'll pay half then say he then has to do half parenting so you can up your working hours to cover the other half. If this isn't possible because of his work tell him, like you, he'll have to cut his hours to suit his parenting responsibilities. He may see thing differently when it's pointed out to him that by you not progressing in your career because of childcare/parenting responsibilities, he's been allowed to move on with his meaning he's at an advantage of earning a higher income. If he won't budge on paying half then ask him to agree to cover costs for Uniform & trips etc, anything school related, so your maintenance from him can cover all other home costs.