What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

Can you afford it if he suddenly decide to stop paying? I don't have many years of fees left. I've seen families in all sorts of situations where one parent stopped paying.

Unless your savings are significant, I don't think 160k is enough to run two households and pay fees. Especially if either of you have more children

So you’re the main carer for your daughter on £60k. You are going to need 2.5k per month - £1250 each. Can you trust him to pay it? Out simply op try and stay independent and whatever you get from op is a bonus. You simply can’t afford private schoool on £60k. That’s not even including trips etc.

We're you married and then divorced?
Did you have to do a financial declaration for a consent order, or is all this informally agreed with her dad?

I think current maintenance arrangements should stay the same and you should split school fees 50/50 as it’s a luxury that you both want your child to have

I don't think you or your ex can afford to privately educate your child.

Another one who thinks this seems very unaffordable on your incomes. 10k per term seems rather high, is there a more affordable local independent that you can consider?

I would think so (pay the school fees equally) if you want to send your child to private school and the child's father is already paying £890 per month for living expenses to adjoin your own salary tbh but I have feeling you might come back with a pithy answer to justify why you aren't getting enough money from him (while hiding your savings). You may not think this is genuine when I say I wish you well but it is. I'd just say, try and work with your former partner. If you don't, the person who's going to be affected most adversely is likely to be your child, whether they get a private education or not.

OP I assume you weren't married, or if you were the finances are sorted? If that's the case, your wider financial position has nothing to do with him. You are asking for the fees to be shared with him, as her 50% parent, that's 50/50. To me that is fair. To try and ask for a different split would open up a wider financial discussion, and frankly you wouldn't want that. i.e why is current income the deciding factor when overall wealth would influence this.

50/50 and this is above and beyond maintenance. It should be agreed that additional costs when faced should be conceded by agreement and split equally.

If he wants private education as much as you, then this is the only way to handle it fairly.

Once you are in the private system you may well have more time to work and catch up, but I do not see this as having any bearing on this (the wider debate, I hear you).

Just doing some maths OP which I’m sure you’ve already looked at but...

OP salary £60,000 = take home £45,400/yr ( exc pension payments )
DCdad salary £100,000 = take home £68,560/ yr ( exc pension payments )

If you both pay an equal share of the fees
OP £45,400 - £15,000 = £30,400 to live on and pay pension, Uni fees etc
DCdad £68,460 - £15,000 = £53,460 to live on and pay etc etc
Im not reducing this figure by the child maintenance as OP has costs for that too.

Can you live on £30,400 OP ?
Can DCdad live on £53,460 ?

According to websites for calculating uptick in fees in 7 years your fees could be approx £38,000……will salaries keep track to pay this or perhaps you can use savings if not. If salary increases are based on % of salary you ex will in real terms get a bigger rise than you each year, so it’s worth remembering that.

IF you pay a share of the fees on a 60/100 ratio based on your current salaries

OP £45,400 - £11,250 = £34,150 to live on
DCdad £68,460 - £18,750 = £49,710 to live on

Perhaps these figures will help you make the decision OP.

( brain training for me for day done )

in that case I’d call his bluff and say you’ve changed your mind about the school as it’s not affordable for you (or, more gently, make noises in this direction).

let him negotiate from a position where he’s asking you, as then he’s moving you upwards from zero 😊

It's an additional cost that comes on top of the usual living cost, so it should be split 50/50.

I can see your point regarding how your income has been impacted by the fact that you cared for your daughter more than him, but that's not really relevant now that you are separated. It's a choice you are both making now, either your bear the cost or you don't.

@GranPepper i do appreciate your thoughts and have taken them on board (sorry for pithy responses, has been manic today with dd!)

This is totally wrong, the money he pays maintenance is meant to cover his half of the childcare costs, you can’t just add it to her income. Unless OP doesn’t spend anything at all on her child and just uses the maintenance?

However I do agree their incomes are very low to send the kid private. Ours is similar and I wouldn’t dream of making us poor just for private school. And we’re only paying one mortgage between us.

I don't understand how you've reached the point of agreeing that this is the school for her, without discussing how you are going to finance it. Has this really not come into the decision making process?

Anyway, that's not helpful, sorry. I think you should work on 50/50 or thereabouts.... But I also agree with pp that you can't afford it on those incomes, with two households to run.

You're dead right. Both salaries put together, with two houses to run, sounds tight with thirty thousand pounds of fees. Plus, what if he meets someone else and has other children?

If you weren’t both planning to send your child to private school, the maintenance fees would still be the same. Private fees are on top of that, imo, and feels much fairer to me if it’s relative to salary. If your salary goes up, your proportion can go up.

50/50 and politely put, it's very expensive on your salary. Why is the private school so much? There's cheaper ones around.

You absolutely should. You're divorcing. Going forward, every new choice is just that. You aren't a team. He doesn't owe more than 50% of a new commitment.

50-50 seems a fair split based on your takeaway.

In terms of people giving you a hard time, I see how your career would suffer. The type of job where you earn £60k is one where leaving to do nursery pick ups and drop offs is frowned upon, the presenteeism in professional services is very often misunderstood on MN with people saying "work 9-5pm". Yeah. No. That's not what is expected. And doing that will make your career suffer. And I doubt you could afford a Nanny on £60k or even £160k if you and your Ex was still together once other bills were added.

Given your update about savings, it doesn’t sound as risky. I was going to join the chorus of you can't really afford it on that income while running two separate households. I think 50:50 plus maintenance is fair- the maintain ends is the contribution to your daughter and the fees have to be a joint commitment and decision.

I also think people are being a bit ridiculous about your point around picking up the slack. It’s much easier to progress if you don’t have to worry about being available for childcare.

When he inevitably tries to lower the maintenance on the fact that he is paying school fees, point out that so are you, on a lower salary, and she doesnt cost less to feed, clothe, house etc just because he is choosing to pay the fees. He is at liberty to refuse to pay the fees if he feels he cant afford both.

Depending on his outgoings but he should pay 60% this cannot be legally enforced, he has no business knowing about your savings …I’m sure he has savings too, which you are not aware of. but he should contribute if it’s something you always planned for dear child. Some of these comments make me really mad. It’s so unfair about how childcare is split. I honestly feel empathy for you OP. It must be so hard. The person who suggested a nanny do they know how much that costs??? Especially if you live in London - they wouldn’t even accept that work as it is such little hours. It’s a real hardship if you had a promising career no one has a crystal ball to say a marriage won’t work out and it’s really tough and well done you for having the savings that will see your child through for 7 years.

I think the impact on your child’s home life if you paying so much of your take home salary in her school fees is not worth the benefit you perceive she will have educationally. As one of the least well off at a school full of affluent people she will likely feel less than, you will be stressed about making money and inevitably there will be cut backs to your quality of life and hers because you cannot really afford this. All the evidence from studies shows the main difference in terms of attainment in education and through the life course is not schooling but what’s going on at home. Literally the only reason to send your child to a £30k a year private school is to have her mix with well-off people - I think this is a silly thing to do and will impact your daughters self esteem as she will quickly figure out you are not among the high flyers, wealth wise. I’d advise you to rethink.

@SailingOnAWave i did Google other options just now but based on where we live they all seem around 25-30k a year

@Katbum Appreciate your contribution to the thread but I have no concerns regarding her feeling less than financially. I’m mortgage free and her grandparents both sides are… well, let’s just say doing very much ok.