What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

Who's saying OP should get a nanny in? I don't even think the OP, to her credit, said this. And, "the type of job where you get paid £60k .. frown upon drop offs/pick ups" (as if people on lesser paid jobs aren't frazzled out their brain from drop offs/pick ups 🤔). Because they actually are. I do genuinely hope the OP resolves the issue she has. People on lesser paid jobs are actually less likely to get drop off/pick up times - in my observation, they run out their job that they've not been paid overtime for the extra time they've worked, sprint to their car or the bus, worry that they'll be late for their children and sometimes are, maybe because the bus was late, the elderly person they care for was upset, a customer in the bank they work in was aggressive and they couldn't leave on time and might have been in the toilet crying trying to compose themselves. How do I know - I saw all that during my working life.

I still don’t really get how your career has been irrevocably damaged OP? If your DD is only around 5? Surely you can get back on track, or is there something about the career you’re in that makes that impossible?

If you’re on £60k, mortgage free, with £200k in the bank and loaded parents, then I’m a bit baffled why you went for nursery rather than a nanny, which would have allowed you much more flexibility at work.

Of course, you might still have wanted to do drop offs, pick-ups, bath and bed times, but that’s a (totally understandable) choice and not really about your ex sabotaging your career.

Women of all sorts of backgrounds are screwed over at work - and at home! - but it does sound like you have the sort of wealth that could have bought you out of a lot of that.

Why didn’t you use your savings for wrap around care to ensure you stayed on track for your career? I can understand if you wanted to spend time more time with your child, but that’s a different argument than you ex sabotaging your career through lack of childcare.

Agreed. I think this is about resenting her child’s impact on her finances and envy at an ex who isn’t actually bringing home much more.

If the grandparents are doing that well then pick a swiss boarding school? If you want to know more about them plenty of people can help.

You said 30k was an issue financially. A combined income of 160k isn't a lot to pay for 30k of private school fees and running 2 homes. Unless family step up you should look at other alternatives.

If the grandparents are doing so well this wouldnt be an issue for Mumsnet it would have just happened and x child would be on a pathway to Eton/Aiglon/Benenden etc

Yes, but England is not the same as UK. You’ve just entirely proved my point. I’ve pointed out that not everywhere in the UK is England, and you’ve replied laughing that you assume it is because of the £ sign. Really? There are other nations within the UK which do things differently, but your reply was steadfast that all private schools do it the way you think. Never mind the other nations which are not England (we also use £ because we are in the UK, we’re just not English and we don’t all do stuff the way you do).

I love how Mumsnet threads always descend into utter chaos. How on earth did we get here from the original question about school fees? 😂

Op claimed her child’s father ruined her career by not parenting properly.

@SilverChampagne i used the word ‘hampered’

If he feels strongly about private school- use that to your advantage.

Tell him you can't afford it, as you have to work part time as you are sole carer. If HE would like to fund private school on top of maintenance, then fine.

But unless he's going to fund it, you've realised you can't at it and will be sending her public.

A lot of people say that after a divorce. I find it's a matter of opinion and leave it at that.

Firstly I couldn’t understand why you made the comment.
It came across as aggressive.
This is a discussion ….no need to go off piste and attack.

I never mentioned any part of the UK.
I didn’t mention England.

However.

Since you are interested.
There are NO day private schools in Northern Ireland or Wales that charge £30,000 ( not even close )
There are TWO in Scotland…Gordonstoun and Fettes
That leaves England with LOTS

So based on a basic balance of probability unless it’s the two in Scotland it will be in England.

However I didn’t mention anything about anywhere and there was no need to attack me and make unwarranted assumptions based on nothing. Especially as the stats do not back up your attack and speak volumes

So after several updates, you turn out to have a secret £200k in the bank, you are mortgage free, and your parents are minted. Talk about drip feeding! Plus if your child is just starting school now then you probably have at least 20 years of your career ahead of you. So that changes the picture somewhat. Just pay it all yourself upfront, why don't you.

Ps….if you read my posts you will see I said there are exceptions …..and yet you said I was steadfast and ALL schools used this system.

What part of there are exceptions is confusing
How does ‘there are exceptions’ = ALL

Please can I ask that you do not jump to conclusions without fully reading the posts because being ‘verbally attacked’ is not nice and perhaps not attack a genuine poster who is here with thoughts, suggestions and advice for OP in a derail……...

^^
This. You will struggle to afford a minimum of £30k a year which will go up more than inflation.
How come it's £30k, that's very expensive. Most day schools are around £20k.

But it is her income. I didn't say it was disposable income anywhere. It is a deduction from the father, yet everyone is gleefully still including it as his money when it isn't at all.

But the end result doesn't matter, regardless. They can't afford to spend £30k on private schooling. Especially so when the father is under no legal obligation whatsoever to fund any proportion of school fees, let alone pay fees in addition to maintenance.

😂 Yeah the drip feed has changed the picture somewhat.

OP sounds like you are determined to send her not matter what, so back to your original question - I think it’s just having an honest conversation with the father that you can’t afford to go half now as you earning capacity has been hampered by being a primary caregiver. So as he is also dead keen on private school, an equitable arrangement where you split fees proportionally is most fair.

Then if you feel you can cover the difference if he stops paying for whatever reason and are happy to take that risk, it’s your choice. You know your finances best!

Just pay it all yourself upfront, why don't you

Because the child has two parents and a private education should very much be a joint venture? I can't stand this attitude - it's the same attitude that allows NRPs to shirk their financial responsibilities towards their children...oh, she got the house and earns a small fortune so why should he have to pay maintenance?

With the later drip feed that you had managed to amass £200k in
savings at this time, I’m not sure what I’m not getting either??

Where is this £200k savings figure coming from? I can’t see it in any of the OP’s posts.

I think she said she could afford to pay £30k a year for 7 years out of her savings. So people did the maths.

I was being facetious 🙄

There's little point in this thread, the info on the financial situation of the op keeps changing.

Find a good state school. It was good enough for my kids they both got firsts at good universities went on to get masters degrees with distinctions and now have great jobs. If she's prepared to work hard she will do well wherever she goes.

These are the fees now

VAT will be added can you afford that?

why private and not state? Honestly on 60k I don’t think you could feasibly afford half let alone all of he decides to stop paying especially with the VAT coming in january

Unless people are in this situation I've found they really don't understand quite how being the only person responsible for everything can affect your working/career etc.

We're supposed to act grateful that we get any money at all, while these men are basically living as though they don't have a child or any responsibility other than a few quid a month.

You won't get support from a lot of people because they just don't get it

My circle of mum friends seem to think I'm lucky because I don't have a husband that leaves wet towels on the floor 🙄