What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

Not nitpicking but private schools don’t work in 7 year bands.
prep and senior are 5 years each.
So it’s either 5 or 10 years.
As the fees are 30 I’m guessing a day senior school. So 5 yrs

@huserrr

Even if you pay £10k, have you not considered what £10k would buy your daughter in terms of experiences? What the two of you could do together?

You sound a little bigger and are losing sight of why you perhaps had your DD.

But... if both you and ex are on board for private school then you need to tell him what is affordable. If you can't agree then don't send her.

Don't forget the cost of school trips, uniform, buses, exam fees etc... all extras!

Proportionally by income. I wouldn't be thrilled by the thought of paying half if I was you.

Even paying in proportion of earnings, it sounds unaffordable. Two households are being paid for with your respective salaries and 30k per year is a lot to commit too. How old is dd, most people work in excess of 40 years. Having a useless ex and being the main parent shouldn’t ruin your career forever.

Re you earning potential, is your DD 5 or 12?

If 5, you can’t have been taking a step back for very long, so surely you have the ability to get a promotion or two to earn more?

If 12, and especially if at a fancy school with lots of extracurriculars, you’ll be able to really focus on your career for this next stage.

Either way, seeing yourself as hard done by isn’t going to help much. Your career is obviously and rightly important to you so if I was you I’d be asking him to pay more towards childcare, or have her more overnights, so you could focus on work. The private school fees seem like a waste of money you don’t have.

This isn't true for very many independent schools.

However OP you simply cant afford it. It's madness on that income when you are running two separate households

The whole package will be well in excess of £30k, op, and that’ll increase as she moves through the school.
You can’t afford it.

Surely you discuss this before you start applying to schools?

50:50 seems fair, or possibly proportionate to income - but what if he stops working?

Tbh I don’t know any that don’t use the traditional system of preprep, prep and senior.

5 years for each.

Obviously there are exceptions, as always.
OP hasn’t stated any details

If you tell him you can't afford half the fees (which I would say could be true?), therefore she can't go - what would he say?

This is not sustainable. You simply don't earn enough and won't be able to keep up with everything else expected at a school with that base rate - at least double what private schools near me charge for primary school so it must be for pretty wealthy families. Neither of you are that sort of financially secure (unless the secret savings is like £300K or more?) so the whole plan doesn't seem great to me.

Proportional to income seems right if you still want to know. But then all the other costs are on you from maintenance and I'm guessing that t won't go far!

I agree that this is most fair. The maintenance is a minimum to pay for day to day expenses like food and clothes, not to cover the cost of private school. If he wants to send her there he needs to pay his share.

You can point out to him that private school will also mean more expensive school uniform, sports kit, wraparound care, school lunches, textbooks and other extras which no doubt you’ll have to cover from that maintenance.

None of the independent schools around here do preprep, prep and senior. DS's school was founded by Henry VIII and is aligned with the state sector infant, junior, senior (at 11).

Why would it negatively impact their lives? After paying the £30k school fees, OP and ex have a joint income of £82k a year, which is more than enough for a good lifestyle.

None of the independent schools around here do preprep, prep and senior. DS's school was founded by Henry VIII and is aligned with the state sector infant, junior, senior (at 11).

All the independent school where I live have the prep system apart from one much cheaper one.

Unfortunately, even combined your incomes aren't enough to spend 30k on school fees.All the uniform, trips and everything else could easily put you into debt,who's to say he won't meet someone else and have another family at some point.

Like I say there are exceptions.
My boys both went to Kings schools as well ie Rochester and Canterbury and are both the traditional system.
Same as others near me.

Obviously there can be differences.

Their joint income is irrelevant; it’s servicing two households.

@FairTurtle not when running two homes

I guess it depends on whether it is a boarding school or a day school. If it's a boarding school, 50/50 on fees and a reduction in child maintenance seem fair as you can crack on with your career when she is away. If it is a day school, then 50/50 but with child maintenance as is would be reasonable.

If its something you both want then 50/50. I personally think your stupid to spend that sort of money unnecessarily when you can't afford it and their are plenty of other schools she could go to without you getting into debt. Also be mindful if you plan on having any more children in the future it would be only fair to do the same for them.

Yet another mumsnetter who thinks everywhere in the UK does things the same as the English.

England is not the UK. There are a great many schools who do not do things the English way.

You are not stuck. I earned more in my fifties than my 40s.
I also used flexi boarding so I could work late and attend industry events. If your daughter is an only child she might enjoy the company, mine did.

This entirely. Why consider private education when you don't consider that you can comfortably afford it. TBH, I think you are receiving a generous amount of maintenance. To expect your ex to pay more than half of school fees is unreasonable. Consider solving the issue by looking at state schools; there are some great ones around

Is this a secondary school?

I think that you’re already resentful and that differences between you over what proportion you should each pay, will make you even more so. You have savings, but they will quickly erode if you find yourself paying the whole sum. It’s definitely something that should have been part of the original discussion about private school.

You're resentful that your career has stalled, so presumably you either became a SAHM or went part time when your child was small. You could, I suppose have continued to work full time and paid nursery fees or hired a nanny. Was it a discussion you had at the time?

I think it’s not sensible to pay £30k and rising each year, for this school. Particularly as your ex might stop maintenance, or disagree with the financial split, or any one of a number of things. Your savings would be better kept for higher education or to finance housing or other expenses as she grows.