What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

Can he put a lump sum to cover x years in a separate account you can access to cover fees?

Unless the child is already in private school this is vanishingly unlikely to succeed. And even then…

Just tell him you can’t afford it and he has to pay all tuition. He’ll negotiate down hopefully to something more acceptable to you.

However, the OP has clearly stated that they have agreed the child goes to private school. If that's going to happen, it needs to be done fairly, probably in relation to each parent's income. If he's not prepared to do that then the OP has two choices: she either considers and pursues the court option or she says she can't afford it and starts looking at state schools. She will need to discuss choice of school with her ex. If he is unhappy, it would be up to him to take it to court to demand the private school option - in such a situation, if the OP has presented her case appropriately to him and has evidence of that, the judge is going to tell him where to get off. Probably.

I'm going to say the unspoken thing here. You say your career took a backsest as though you were a passenger but you weren't. You could have hired a nanny and gone 50 50 on that. You didn't because you didn't feel it was in DDs interest, but the result of that is that you are where you are. Yes, it sucks. No, it's not really fair that he wasn't prepared to do more dad duties, like being home for his kid. But you were there, and she will remember that so it was worth it.

I know it doesn't feel fair but you have to let it go. From now on, it's not about what you both earn and percentages, it's both paying 50%. It would be lovely if he wanted to pay more and recognised your efforts as a mum and the unpaid labour, the meals you cook etc. But thats not real life or likely to happen.

So by all means ask for 70/30 but be realistic and try to move forward X

Yes just how much of a choice was it and how much were you forced?

If you do split it according to income be prepared for his income to drop . Your % will then be higher but you won't be earning anymore

Maintenance is not calculated on the basis of paying school fees! Private school is an extra that you are both choosing. Therefore he should continue to pay maintenance in full and you should contribute as proportions of your salary. That would be on a ration of about 2:3 (or you pay 40%).

18k a year plus around 10k in child maintenance is a lot of money to fund on a 100k salary!
You’re talking half his take home income before he has even housed himself.
It sounds like both your ambitions are beyond your means.

It's impossible to say what's fair. Depends how much your ex wants your son to be educated privately. I think the fees should be separate from the child maintenance. Half each for the school fees I'd say as it's not a necessary expense.

@Rightiojames my life is my own. But he doesn’t do his share of parenting. That’s why my career has suffered in comparison.

@huserrr I am not sure if somebody has already said this upthread, but you will both have to sign a declaration that both of you are responsible for all the fees. If one of you defaults, the other will have to pay the full amount.

My ex and I agreed on how to split the fees, and in the lifetime of DC at school, I would estimate I have had to pay an extra 100K because he hasn't. Never did he contact me and tell me, I received emails from the bursar when it was at crisis point. I am very lucky that I am in a position to 'find' the extra. In one case, I had to come to an arrangement with the school to pay it off incrementally, but not all schools will allow this.

I am pro private schools, but I do believe that you should factor that you are affording ALL of the fees ALL of the time.

It's very easy to say now that you don't foresee any difficulties with him not paying, but 12/13 years without a hiccup here and there is extremely optimistic

If your ex disappeared, how would you afford it alone? If he died, how would you afford it alone?

Sorry, but this, to me, seems like living beyond your means.

@Boltonb as I have said I have savings alongside my income. I’m not worried about paying half, simply interested in what people think would be fair given our differing incomes.

@Mrsttcno1 yes I do agree with that and that sways me towards thinking 50:50 is fair

All things that can do done outside of marriage too. In this case as a separated couple, insurances and wills would presumably benefit the DC anyway so she could cover the fees if her father died.

What difference does a LPA make to school fees?

They can both save for their daughter outside marriage. Even with a marriage one parent can’t raid joint savings to pay school fees their spouse doesn’t want to pay. Even in a marriage one or both parent(s) may not save at all.

There's no "should" here really given private education is a choice rather than an obligation.

Your day to day costs won't change, so ideally he won't reduce his maintenance.

Other than that, it depends. If only one of you feels strongly about it, they pay the fees. Otherwise start at 50/50. If you were a couple then in proportion by income makes sense, but I don't think it would be crazy of him to only offer 50/50.

Ultimately though, you're taking a massive risk here. There was a thread the other day from a woman who was going to have to withdraw her teenagers from their private school as she could no longer afford it post divorce. You will struggle to afford 50pc on that income, never mind the total. And even if things remain amicable, the fees are a massive proportion of your joint income, especially since that joint income has to run two houses.

Also remember he may well have more DC, and quicker than you think. At that point it would be unlikely he could afford private, especially since he wouldn't be able to give his other children the same.

But he might not agree to half on top of the maintenance, can you afford to pay all of it?

@Whyherewego thanks that’s a good point!

@MrsKeats thanks. We think we can though as each have some family wealth alongside incomes

He can’t afford £30k school fees either! Neither of them can. It’s insanity.

If you're arguing for a proportionate split, then you need to allow for this family wealth as well as your income.

Imo fees should be 50/50 and then maintenance on top of that.

As pp have said though I wouldn't send her unless you have a plan to cover fees if for whatever reason he stops paying. If he dies for example will he leave money to cover fees. These are things to be discussed.

Maintenance is for general living. You’d get the same amount whether she was at state or private. Therefore school fees on top. I’d say salary proportionate is fair.

Say you need to discuss fees as you're not sure it's affordable given your income and living costs. If he's keen for her to go to this specific school, let it be an issue for him to be worrying about and coming up with solutions for.

Maintenance doesn't stop because school fees start; she still needs to eat, be housed, clothed etc so make sure he's aware that fees are additional to CMS payment.

If he's so keen for her to go, it shouldn't your savings facilitating that when you're already RP and doing everything else on top.