What’s the fair way to pay for this?

[huserrr]

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

I wouldn’t send her, if your ex doesn’t pay his share you’d have to remove her from the school

do you know the uniform costs, trips, extras etc you don’t want your dd to be missing out because you can only afford the fees

id have a frank conversation with your ex to say you can’t afford it, he can choose to offer to pay more or all if he’s so set on the school

I think you are mad on these salaries, separated. If you were together, fair enough. One mortgage etc. But on a salary of £60k I wouldn't even dream of paying £30k a year on private school. If you do proportionate to salary then he will lose £1500 and you £995 per month. You could just tell him to stop giving maintenence and pay for private school. But you know his answer will be no as its too expensive.

I would treat the fees as totally separate to any other money he gives for your child.
The fees are an ‘extra’ expense that you’ve both agreed to fund, so should be split between you. As he earns more perhaps it would be fair to suggest he pays more towards the fees, you also then need to look at how school uniform, trips and school related costs are funded by you both.
Then he should continue to support your child for the cost of day to day things along side you.

Personally, I think the 2 issues are completely separate. He should continue to pay the child maintenance as normal, and then you split the school fees on top of that

So if you've both agreed, you'll also have already agreed who will pay what towards the fees.

That is part of the same conversation, isn't it?

You're basing a lot on the goodwill of a man you don't like. It's a risky choice.

Sorry I agree with others, even if you were to succesfully split this bill, between you you take home £112k a year - and £30k is over 25% of that,.

That is going to hugely impact both your lives, and that of your child (outside school).

I’m a single parent too.

I would think a 50/50 split if fees would be fair, with no change to maintenance.

Is it a boarding school? Will this give you the opportunity to pick your career back up and start earning more?

The fairest way would be to split the fees proportional to your incomes and he pays that in addition to maintenance. However since private school is a choice not a necessity then he’s not obliged to pay anything if he doesn’t want to.

£30K a year for potentially 7 years is a huge amount to pay though. If you put that amount in a savings account she’d have enough to buy a house outright when she’s 18!

Honestly @huserrr i would say to him that you can’t afford it at all, then wait for him to insist and then suggest if he wants her to go there so badly then he can pay it all!! Then I would save and if anything changes/happens to him you have a back up fund.

This is what I was going to say

You should pay half each as it was a joint decision.

Child maintenance is to house, clothe and feed them. Any expenses on top of that need to be agreed upon.

Yes and an opportunity to traumatize them. There are therapists that specialise in adults that have been to boarding school.

With a friend whose ex was paying most of the fees and suddenly found themselves in a position where their ex had another kid and they reduced their hours working resulting in not being able to afford the fees.
I would be cautious about committing to something you can’t afford on your own or with minimal input from your ex.
My friend had to remove her daughter from private school in the end after a legal battle.

Is it a boarding school? If so I can easily see him thinking this would justify a big reduction in maintenance. £30k is a huge amount, I think you're risking a huge amount of upheaval for your daughter if any of the scenarios mentioned by previous posters happened. I think you'd need something contractual drawn up between the two of your regarding the fees and ongoing maintenance to protect your daughter.

I wouldn’t knock it so quickly.
All mine boarded and loved it.

Its not for everyone but a lot thrive.

My friend had the fees payment written into the divorce.
His circumstances changed and the original agreement didn’t hold.
If he can’t pay, he can’t pay.

Don’t send her private unless he can pay all of it. Too risky otherwise.

I think ratio based on your income is fair. Don’t see why maintenance should be reduced. Nothing to do with it. If she went to state school would he reduce maintenance then?? Can’t see what the reasoning is. Also if he’s paying the minimum, how could he reduce it???

I don't understand how this wasn't discussed when you looked at schools and agreed where to send her?

Neither of you has any obligation to pay for private school at all, so it will ultimately come down to how much each of you is willing to contribute and how much it matters to you that she goes to this school.

Exactly - you can’t afford it and your child will be affected if you have to pull her out, so personally I wouldn’t send my DC if I couldn’t pay it all on my own. Contingency and all. But if ex is keen, he can commit to pay it.

Your feelings about being set back career wise by having to be primary parent are absolutely, entirely valid, but perhaps clouding the issue at hand which is really about if you can sensibly afford it for duration of her schooling there.

30k a year fees? Surely there are cheaper fee paying schools? What about a state primary and private secondary?

How have you gone through the discussion about which school, school visits, application and acceptance without actually discussing who is paying for it? Sorry, but that’s really stupid.

You need to go and talk to him. Now.