Not hosting yet another Christmas

[halloumidippers]

I have a big family, but we are the only ones with children, which has meant we've really sleepwalked into hosting Xmas each year.
Practically it makes sense - parents have downsized, and my three siblings live either alone or with partners so we have the only house big enough. DH family are all abroad.
When the kids were tiny it was lovely, but there now tweens and it's all a bit too much.
We really want to spend Christmas just the four of us but when I floated this with my mum I got an absolute earful of how selfish I was being, to deny everyone the chance to be together. To be fair everyone is helpful - most bring a dish, my brother can't cook so does a nice big wine delivery ordered here a week before... but we just want our space to ourselves and enjoy the holiday together.
I've just had my sister on the phone saying how I've upset mum, that we've always done it this way...
am I awful to want to spend Xmas with just us? I've said everyone's welcome on Boxing Day.

We did this when our kids were tweens. Told everyone we were hosting Boxing Day instead. To be fair, no-one complained. Changing what you do at Christmas often ends up political but is worth doing.

I think you would really genefit from giving your family a timeout. They sound extremely selfish and a bit batshit tbh.

The reaction if I told my family I wasn’t hosting Christmas this year would be “no problem, don’t blame you”

That is the only appropriate reaction.

It’s not selfish. That’s just their view because they are unhappy with it. It’s fine to say you won’t be hosting. Christmas is still far enough away that people can make alternative plans. They can all be together. Just not at your house. You’ve set your stall and now you need to let the dust settle. It’s not fair to expect you to host against your wishes!

*benefit!

They can all get together without you. And if there’s not room to seat everyone they can go out for lunch.

Not selfish in the slightest.

your wants and needs matter just as much as your mums!

Gosh no. DH and I have done it that way for years. We tried various permutations ( going to his parents' etc) but there's nothing like just us in our own home. His DM wasn't happy about it at first but tough. She's got used to it. Actually we have Boxing day to ourselves too and see everyone the day after that.

It’s amusing that your sister rings you to say you’ve upset your mum by saying that you’re not hosting Xmas - she could have said “don’t worry mum, I’ll host it this year” but she didn’t! They all sound a bit batshit and entitled.

I have the opposite problem in that I’d love to have hosted a Xmas in the 20 years that I’ve been with my husband but my SIL always has to have it at hers. And if we decide not to go she does it again on the 26th and 27th until we run out of excuses. They’re always big, loud, drunken affairs and I find them too much.

i never get these families on mumsnet

spend every christmas with one another

but quite clearly against a backdrop of so much shite

never in a month of sundays would my mother respond like that. and fact yours does, begs the question why you have ever spent christmas with her and subjected your children and husband to someone like this

I've said everyone's welcome on Boxing Day.

That sounds fun 🤔

Of course there isn't an issue if you want a smaller Christmas - particularly given you are offering them a Boxing Day get together.

I am sure they are able to organise themselves a Christmas lunch if they put their heads together - they'd just rather hassle you instead.

Well she was selfish for down sizing then!
How rude, if my Mum said that to me it would be the last time I ever hosted.

I wouldn't even do Boxing Day now. You'll spend all of Xmas Day worrying about their snotty attitudes and on the phone listening to them moaning on about 'missing Xmas Day together like it used to be' with their tiny violins playing in the background.

I'd do a Xmas get-together and buffet the week before, maybe the Sunday 22nd, and get it over with; or New Year's Eve / New Year's Day.

Have a proper break. They sound like wearisome bores.

For the record, I've had people for Xmas parties, dinners and events in a one-bedroom flat, so if they really want to be Mine Host then there's nothing stopping them except excuses.

This will probably sound selfish but once our last child left home we decided to spend Christmas ourselves, either going out for a nice meal just the two of us or spending the day relaxing at home. We hosted for nearly 25 years and we think we’ve done enough Christmas hosting now.

I think it’s terribly entitled and selfish of your family to expect you to host them every year. You’ve offered to host Boxing Day so it’s not like they won’t see your family over the Christmas period. Tell your sister to host or they can go out to eat. I never understand the everyone must spend Christmas together thing and I never understand why some parents get upset at not seeing one or more of their children on Christmas Day.

My mum usually hosts. At hers (3 hours away) she lives with her partner (not our dad) and my 2 brothers - age 23 and 13. At 18 she wanted me to move out..I couldn't afford to move out in London so moved 3 hours towards north. She knew id have to do this if I had to leave and she didn't care. My sister (1 year younger than me) followed my steps and moved to the same town as me as she loved it here. 1st Christmas we travelled down to mums - we can't stay there as her DP house doesn't have enough room for us to sleep. So we'd leave at the crack of dawn drive 3 hours have dinner then spend all hours of the night driving 3 hours back home. It was just tiring and felt like we'd wasted our Christmas. And cost an arm and leg as we had to pay for the petrol! 2nd Christmas we both decided to stay in our town just me and my sister..it was quite lonely compared to what we usually do but way more peaceful and enjoyable. We had a lovely dinner we made exchanged some prezzys and some lovely wine! Mum threw her rattle out of her pram though. So bloody dramatic. This year we plan to do the same with both of our husbands too- minus the wine as I'll be 32 weeks pregnant!🤣. Asked mum the other day if we could go for a meal week prior to Christmas to spend time and an early celebration and she point blank refused as were 'ruining Christmas again by not spending it as a family' blah blah trying to guilt trip us into going.

OP just do whatever makes you happy. we don't live to please others. Maybe suggest an early Christmas meal in a restaurant like we did..if you get anywhere..you're doing better than me!🤣😅

Why, why, do you even want to see such a woman… ever.

You’ll be starting threads about her post birth. Guaranteed

OP just do whatever makes you happy. we don't live to please others

Practise what you preach @Ellsx6 !

Wow your family is selfish. Because they don't want to change what happens it's tough to you and your family. Stuff that!
We've changed how we do xmas several times when it needed to be changed. No one complains as we all understand things change as we and kids grow.

Their entitlement is astounding

But they are? They are spending christmas with just their sister and husbands rather than treking down to their mother's again. They've offered the pre-Christmas meal (presumably because they'd like to see their extended family not just the horrible mum), it's been rejected so now they're doing what they want (staying at home) and not giving into the mother's tantrums.

It’s amusing that your sister rings you to say you’ve upset your mum by saying that you’re not hosting Xmas - she could have said “don’t worry mum, I’ll host it this year” but she didn’t! They all sound a bit batshit and entitled.

I thought this too, @Roryno !!!

to answer your question. No, You are not being awful.

You've offered to host a less stressful meal/day later in Christmas week.

What strikes me most about your post, and this is true of ALL the CF's I have come across in my life is the total lack of gratitude or appreciation for all the times you HAVE hosted Christmas previously. That doesn't count with them at all.
There's no "yes, you do need a year off, we'll take our turn or even see you on Boxing Day then." No your DM sends the flying monkeys to guilt trip you. That signals to me that there is no thought for you in this arrangement. They want it so you had better comply. I hope this strengthens your resolve.

I bet they do this in other areas of your life too. Do as we say or we will all start disliking you. Do exactly as we say or it will be your fault if your mother is upset. Its sheer blackmail.

The thing is your DM has had her time of bringing up her family. This is your time. You are not cancelling their Christmas... just inviting them at a more convenient time.

I personally cannot think of anything more miserable than not spending Christmas with the whole family. For me, family is very important and not spending such a family oriented time with the WHOLE family (that means parents, aunts and uncles, cousins) just doesnt make sense.

I cannot EVER envision wanting to spend christmas just me and my kids, without everyone else (single parent here) and absolutely dread the time when the elder members will no longer be around.

That being said, you do you! Its not wrong to not want to host.

If you go back on it, they will expect the same every year. Be firm and stick to your guns. It's not just about what they want

Retract the Boxing Day invitation. Fuck being lectured by your sister who’s trying to bully you into still doing all the work every year so she doesn’t have to.

You could consider doing what my family did when I was growing up. Everyone eats christmas lunch in there own home then came to our house at about 4 for afternoon tea and to spend the evening together.