Not hosting yet another Christmas

[halloumidippers]

I have a big family, but we are the only ones with children, which has meant we've really sleepwalked into hosting Xmas each year.
Practically it makes sense - parents have downsized, and my three siblings live either alone or with partners so we have the only house big enough. DH family are all abroad.
When the kids were tiny it was lovely, but there now tweens and it's all a bit too much.
We really want to spend Christmas just the four of us but when I floated this with my mum I got an absolute earful of how selfish I was being, to deny everyone the chance to be together. To be fair everyone is helpful - most bring a dish, my brother can't cook so does a nice big wine delivery ordered here a week before... but we just want our space to ourselves and enjoy the holiday together.
I've just had my sister on the phone saying how I've upset mum, that we've always done it this way...
am I awful to want to spend Xmas with just us? I've said everyone's welcome on Boxing Day.

Text them all that due to being verbally abused and called names, the boxing day hosting is also cancelled.

YANBU. If they want to celebrate together, they can rent a house somewhere.

You don't need to float it
Just tell them it's not happening this year .
They can hire somewhere like a cottage for a change and take the pressure of you ,or book a meal out .you have done it every year ,it's your time to do as you please now

Asked mum the other day if we could go for a meal week prior to Christmas to spend time and an early celebration and she point blank refused as were 'ruining Christmas again by not spending it as a family' blah blah trying to guilt trip us into going.

unfathomable to see the mother at any time of year. let alone 6 hour round trip whilst pregnant

Just put your foot down

Your mam is very unfair saying that you're selfish.. SHE'S selfish!

DH family are all abroad.

So your DH and his family never get to celebrate Christmas but your mother thinks you are selfish to not host all your family again? I would be tempted to tell them that you are going to visit DH family from Christmas to New Year so they are free to F Off.

Just tell them it's not happening this year .

^

This.

'Yeah, we're not doing it this year'

End of

It's only the beginning of November, you have given your family plenty of notice to decide who else is going to host instead - if nobody wants to do it they can all eat out. Sounds like they are all in a panic because up until now they had all assumed it was Christmas as usual this year. Stick to your guns, they'll come round eventually.

I hate the tyranny of "we've always done it this way" like you're not allowed to want anything different ever! What's wrong with mixing it up a little for once?

And they are very ungracious not to recognise that as it is YOUR home everyone descends on Christmas after Christmas, if you feel like a break from it, that's the way it should be

Next year book a holiday over Xmas ( we went to NY) and just casually announce in September your exciting holiday plans. It worked for me and DH after years for being taken advantage of. That said I'm hosting 12 this Christmas, but that is my choice 🤣

What about your DH’s family?

There are some people definitely being selfish in this situation, OP but it isn’t you.

"Selfish", say the people wanting to impose themselves on family they've imposed themselves on for years.

Stick to your guns OP. Your family is being ridiculous and entitled to throw such a tantrum. They have been given plenty of notice that you won't be hosting on Christmas Day and they have plenty of time to get themselves sorted for Christmas dinner either in their own homes or they can book a table somewhere. You have kindly offered to host on Boxing Day but judging from their batshit behaviour I would be notifying them that Boxing Day is now off the table as well.

This. They sound like a load of selfish lazy wankers. If your sister is that fussed then she can host

How can you have ”always done it this way” if your children are only tweens. Plus life and traditions are always evolving. Nothing stays the same forever 🤷‍♀️

A lot of the time selfish means “you aren’t doing exactly what l want, when l want it”

They are being selfish and you are generous to just on Boxing Day. It’s time for one of your siblings to set up and host your parents and other siblings or your parents to host if the others all want t be together.
When I grew up Christmas Day was immediate family day and Boxing Day was when I saw my aunts etc.

What the problem with that ?
I genuinely can’t understand your reaction if I want to get together with relatives Boxing Day is equally good, even easier.

So you have 2 parents and 3 siblings, , not all with partners ? thats a max of 7 people, I can’t believe that not one of them has a living room that they can seat 7 people in !

Even if they don’t want to do a meal they could eat out and then go back for the rest of the day. Lots of families do this.

Next year I’d book to be away at Christmas and give them all several months notice to make their own plans.

Entirely your decision and nobody should criticise you for it. Only you might find you get to lunch and the children start telling you it's boring without their grandparents, aunts and uncles. Children are sticklers for tradition!

OK, so for years you’ve selflessly hosted Christmas Day… This year you want a year for just your immediate family…
Is it selfish? Maybe…. But is it bad to be selfish sometimes? NO!! Sometimes you just need to be a little selfish and put the interests of yourself and your children first!
I think in your shoes I would just tell people unapologetically that you’ve hosted Christmas for X years and you’d like this year to just be the 4 of you…. Or start the convo with the positive ‘Hey me and DH & kids have all been talking and would love to have everyone round on Boxing day this year… then say…. We would like a Christmas Day with just the 4 of us before the children fly the nest…. Any resistance just stand solid and say that you’ve been very selfless for years and wish everyone could just be happy with celebrating together Boxing Day!
next year could you go to DH’s family abroad and leave yours to sort themself out?? It doesn’t feel like they appreciate all you’ve done for years!!

If you and the kids want a break then go for it. You only get so many Christmas’ so at least have one where you get a say in how you spend it. You’re not cancelling anything they can all meet up without you - nothing like hosting with a dash of guilt and obligation ey!

Sorry to say that your mother sounds very immature and you shouldn’t feel guilty about doing what makes you happy on Xmas day😊

spending boxing day with the mother as the Op describes does not sound like fun 😕

@pizzaHeart you would be delighted to host someone for boxing day who behaves as this mother did?

what are you doing for christmas?

Of course you're not being selfish - especially as you offered to host Boxing Day! It's bonkers that it has to be Xmas Day. Stick to your guns - I definitely would.

I was really careful to not always do the same thing so sometimes we'd go away, sometimes be by ourselves, sometimes have family. Just never do the same thing twice then it doesn't become "what everyone does" or a tradition! If you mix it up enough and announce it late ("Oh, didn't we tell you, we're going to X on holiday this year") then you don't become the de facto host each year. Good luck on navigating through though.