Not hosting yet another Christmas

[halloumidippers]

I have a big family, but we are the only ones with children, which has meant we've really sleepwalked into hosting Xmas each year.
Practically it makes sense - parents have downsized, and my three siblings live either alone or with partners so we have the only house big enough. DH family are all abroad.
When the kids were tiny it was lovely, but there now tweens and it's all a bit too much.
We really want to spend Christmas just the four of us but when I floated this with my mum I got an absolute earful of how selfish I was being, to deny everyone the chance to be together. To be fair everyone is helpful - most bring a dish, my brother can't cook so does a nice big wine delivery ordered here a week before... but we just want our space to ourselves and enjoy the holiday together.
I've just had my sister on the phone saying how I've upset mum, that we've always done it this way...
am I awful to want to spend Xmas with just us? I've said everyone's welcome on Boxing Day.

The more you give the more people expect and take. I don’t think you are selfish at all. I’m sick and fed up of hosting all over the Xmas period and the expectations of others. I’m an only child, I moved out of home at 21 and have been hosting Christmas either Xmas day or Boxing Day for the last 25 plus years often more than one day. With only 2 years exceptions, the first Xmas my mum died and 1 year we went on holiday just me and my husband and ignored Xmas.
Often due to blended families and dynamics , I host Xmas day and then Boxing Day and also now have larger extended family that try to invite themselves over for a gathering between Xmas and new year. I’m tired and fed up of it. My kids are with their dad this year, my stepson with his mum, I thought I’d have a year off just me and hubby, but no such luck as mother in law has rejected the invitation she’s been given Xmas day and we can’t leave her alone. Then all the adult kids will turn up Boxing Day and I’m remaining non committal to other family members but can guarantee they’ll all put pressure on me to host. I’m in awe of friends of mine pushing 50 that have never hosted over Xmas.

Your Christmas. Your house. Your decision.

I’m sure they can all spend it together without you needing to host.

I would be really annoyed with them guilt tripping you over it.

I would do it this year, as it’s quite short notice and it’s the kids tradition but make it known from early next year that you’ll only be hosting on Boxing Day next year (and then change that if you want to).

Is there any way you can make it easier on yourself?
Could they bring more dishes and clear away more?

We often don't get the whole family together until 27 or 28, and it's a bring and share, which works well. Christmas it tends to be smaller groups.

Tell your mother in law you’re having this Christmas off so she needs to except the other invite! How presumptuous of her!

Brace yourself for DSis to tell of some "ill health" coming on from your DM, to tug on the old heartstrings.

It's like everything Op, the first year it's aren't you kind, a few years in it's tradition and everyone expects it. It's very useful for your siblings, they don't ever have to cook at Christmas, they chip in some food and they're done, you get to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and your the one with DC, I'm surprised you didn't put paid to this before.

@flipdiddle81 I do what makes me happy now, this year and last year! She won't be meeting baby as in the whole 3 years we've lived here she's not visited once as she doesn't want to travel here. DH mother also lives in London and makes the trip once a month to see her son..mine on the other hand..haha it's just laughable at this point. I won't be driving my newborn a 6 hour round trip to visit his grandmother..she'll have to make the effort or miss out 😊

@another1bitestheduck correct! I love my younger brother to pieces and miss him lots so id love to see him and give him some gifts and spend time. Hence the effort to go for an early Christmas meal..not for my mother, because I still love my brothers despite my mothers behaviour😅

so why on earth are you suggesting going to all that effort the week before?!

@Cotonsugar I'm slowly realising that and putting my foot down with her shit..I suppose we all just wished we had a loving mother who understands us😊

the violent brother who has exhibited such frightening behaviour your mother has considered having him sectioned?

@flipdiddle81 because despite my mothers shit, my 13 year old autistic brother can't travel to see me alone..therefore i make the effort to see them for Christmas so I can spend time with my brother. He's a child and it's not his fault our mother is as she is

what will happen when you give birth re seeing your brother?

Yes, absolutely do it. To be fair, your family sounds better than dh’s. We also host every year - only ones with a big enough house and MIL’s partner won’t allow her to have family visit because he’s a controlling wanker. 🙄 Though literally in all the years of hosting, no one has ever brought a dish or a case of wine. They treat it like a week long AI holiday. One year, we did get a round of drinks at the pub as thanks. 😂

This year I have cancer and I’ve said no f-ing way is anyone coming for Christmas or anytime in the month surrounding it. Entertain and feed yourselves! I’m putting my feet up and not feeding anyone chocolate this year but us! What they don’t know yet is that, assuming I’m still alive for future Christmases 😂 I’m not reinstating the tradition. Someone else needs to pull their thumb out. I’ve done my decade of hosting. It’s now someone else’s turn.

Ahh, I get it now. I’ve thought it’s about the day not about the company.

If your mother feels so strongly about it, SHE can host.

With that reaction op I wouldn't have offered boxing day either.
Let them fend for themselves and enjoy the Xmas you want for a change.

it’s only about the company IMO

Your family are selfish, entitled twats.

How about messaging them saying that you understand they aren’t happy about the idea of not having a big get together for Christmas Day, and if that’s what everyone wants, you and your dh will bring the dcs for a few hours to whoever else decides to host, because you just want a break from always being the one to do it all. You understand everyone really wants to have a big family do so you are sure one of them will offer to host this year and you’ll happily drive to them.

See if they really want the big family get together or what they want is someone else to do the work for them.

Presumably, without the four members of your family there it will be a much smaller gathering, and therefore possible for someone else to fit everyone in (even if a little squashed)? Or they have plenty of notice to book Christmas lunch at a restaurant/pub.
They are probably just disappointed, and upset now that they know what they expected to happen isn't actually going to, but no reason at all for you not to do what you want to this year.

One of you must have a very big house!

That’s a really nice idea

Fucking knock it on the head now. Massive entitlement and selfishness. And of course they will be annoyed... every year they have had their preference and needs catered.

I would completely refuse for a good few years and make someone else step up and host. And I would be spending this Christmas exactly to my wishes if I was in your position.

Don't give it another worry.