Not hosting yet another Christmas

[halloumidippers]

I have a big family, but we are the only ones with children, which has meant we've really sleepwalked into hosting Xmas each year.
Practically it makes sense - parents have downsized, and my three siblings live either alone or with partners so we have the only house big enough. DH family are all abroad.
When the kids were tiny it was lovely, but there now tweens and it's all a bit too much.
We really want to spend Christmas just the four of us but when I floated this with my mum I got an absolute earful of how selfish I was being, to deny everyone the chance to be together. To be fair everyone is helpful - most bring a dish, my brother can't cook so does a nice big wine delivery ordered here a week before... but we just want our space to ourselves and enjoy the holiday together.
I've just had my sister on the phone saying how I've upset mum, that we've always done it this way...
am I awful to want to spend Xmas with just us? I've said everyone's welcome on Boxing Day.

So if you're kids are now tweens, let's assume you've hosted Christmas so for 10+ years? I would send back a msg and say something like:

I have hosted Christmas for you all for 10+ years. Yet this year when I say I want a break from hosting and have offered Boxing Day as an alternative, I get an earful and am told I am selfish. It seems to be conveniently forgotten that I have hosted Christmas for the last decade and it is clear that it has not been appreciated by any of you if this is your reaction. I will not be hosting Christmas. You are all free to host instead, as I have done for the last decade.

I would also rescind the offer of Boxing Day after their reaction, if you don't wish to go ahead with that either if they are just going to be moaning between now and Christmas about how selfish you are.

Thats neither here nor there. Its about WANTING to be together. OP has the house, but doesnt want to do it.
A few of us could host Christmas, though my moms house is currently the largest, and thus, the option

My sister was in your shoes, eldest daughter, first to have kids. Did Xmas every year, lots of food, many people.

One year, she told us she needed a break from the stress.

Family is divorced, so it’s first family with single mum and then dad, second wife and our half siblings.

The second family always comes (mostly sparsely or empty handed) but never invites anyone around to theirs rest of year. Never to a bbq, to the pool, nothing.

My sister advised close family that she wasn’t doing big Xmas - because we talk all the time. But the second family didn’t call her til last minute - it was adult half sister who called only to ask when they should arrive.
She said - no, no Xmas at mine this year. It’s too much work, and people don’t get along (and meant our mum having to deal with XH and his wife. ).
The second family were super angry which caused a huge never ending rift. We realised they didn’t even bother, as a family, to prepare Xmas ever … just relied on us to put on the “family show”

Do think my sister could have been more diplomatic … but 100% see her point.

I get why you feel this way and I'd love a Christmas with just my immediate family. But I also see where your mum is coming from. Christmas is about family time for a lot of people, especially if she wants to be with her grandchildren. It must be sad for her thinking she won't have it. So I get both sides.

Even if it involved your step sisters?

I think you're perfectly within your rights not to want to host again. When it's your house, even with others contributing, you have the bulk of the work.
Sounds like the rest of the family have taken it for granted that you will host. I find it hard to believe that not one of them could host minus your family on Christmas Day. Sounds like they're trying to emotionally manipulate you. Be strong and stand your ground!

I wouldnt cut off my nose to spite my face. I prefer to not deal with them, or socialise with them, but I do it, regularly. At Easter, or at my stepdads birthday, just to name a couple of occasions, but also at Sunday dinner, if they are invited, by any chance.

Put your own family first. Your mum had her years of having Christmas with her young children. Your children are entitled to have Christmas with their immediate family, no rushing through present opening to get ready for extended family coming and a frazzled mammy trying to get everything done. Over the years as our children have grown we have changed how we do Christmas. Nobody will starve if you don't organise Christmas . I quarantee that they will manage. Enjoy your more relaxed Christmas.

Thank you everyone, for your kind responses. I'm going to stick to my guns and do it! A day in pjs just the four of us

now imagine a much smaller family, like the Op’s (rather than the 35 odd people at your mum’s for christmas) and you’d have to be hosting your step sisters.

Would you be quite so gung ho about christmas being about family together irrespective of what the family i. question is like?

i. think. not

and don’t suggest boxing day again

oh and maybe think about your relationship with someone like this full stop.

I wouldn’t want my children around someone who behaves like this

People like Christmas but they don’t want all the effort and the expense. They are being like this because they might have to do it, that’s all.

So maybe you should host and give your mum a break??
OP isn’t refusing to spend Christmas with everyone, she just wants a year off from hosting, if that means just the 4 of them then she’s entitled to a break!

Like I said... I endure them at Sunday dinner. Theres not 35 people there. Theres 8 or 10. And yes, I wouldnt not spend Christmas with my family because of them.
However, OP has mentioned nothing of the sort. Only that she wants to spend Christmas just the 4 of them. No "evil step sisters" that she doesnt want to host. Its her parents and siblings (and their partners).

And what I have said was that wanting to spend Christmas "just the X of us"(whatever your core unit is) is something I cant even conceive.
However, OP is entitled to want to spend Christmas however she wants to!

you seem to think mothers behaviour is totally reasonable

i suppose we simply have a different view on what is a close and loving family member 🤷

My mom doesnt want a break. If she did, I would, for sure, host. Or my brother! But I cant very well stop her from doing what she wants!

And like I said... OP is entitled to so whatever the hell she wants! I dont have to understand it, and I dont, but I dont think its selfish of her.

Her being hurt that her daughter doesnt want to spend Christmas with her doesnt make her an unloving or distant family member. People are entitled to be hurt by your actions and decisions. Just like you are entitled to decide to spend christmas is Butan!

It is not in the same ballpark of having people you DONT like and actively try to avoid for Christmas.

Also OP has provided ZERO insight to her family relationships, other than she got an earful from mom and from sister, for upsetting mom. Which is par for the course in families.

hurt? did you read how she responded? and even to the suggestion of the op hosting boxing day

we just have different interpretations of what a close and loving family is 🤷

@ASGIRC You say that your mother sticks with your step father despite him being very miserable in life and taking it out on her

Does it occur to you that possibly your mum may not enjoy hosting 35 people every single year but sticks at it nonetheless so as not to rock the boat (going by your stance, if she ever did change her mind, you’d throw a hissy!)

out of interest, have you ever offered?

@ASGIRC does your mother have a table that accommodates 35? or do you sit on different tables like a restaurant or some with it on their laps?

I think you are confusing the OP with another poster who posted about their family and Christmas situation! Because the OP has only made 2 posts! One is the OP, and the other is a thank you post to the replies received! I am not talking about other posters here. Just the OP, who only wants to spend Christmas with just her husband and children.

And yes, I have offered. And no, my mom genuinely enjoys hosting. Otherwise, she could have gotten out of it a long time ago. Why is this so hard to understand? And its not just Christmas. Its birthdays, Easter, my baby shower, my babys party... And to be clear... I was going to host those, but my mom convinced me to let her do it!

Just because your dont like your family, it doesnt mean all families are the same.

Several tables and sofas. Not sure how thats relevant. And 35 is the most weve had for Christmas. Thats not our every year number. And I never claimed it was.

but when I floated this with my mum I got an absolute earful of how selfish I was being, to deny everyone the chance to be together

lovely

oh personally i love sitting with all my family at one table for christmas day (6 of us). the idea of everyone scattered around, perched on stools or standing up… not appealing but each to their own