Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

I want to be there for her but don’t know how to deal with this new side of her.

I would back off from her, for now.

I'd probably say something like "I'm going to take a step back from our friendship for the moment as I can see that my being around is upsetting for you" and see how she responds.

You can give her specific examples if she doesn't know what you mean.

She may not realise she's doing it.

Regardless of what she has been through, you're still important too, and you don't have to be around someone who treats you like that.

I'd leave her to it.

Wide berth and all that.

Normal. She's had her whole world changed for the worse by 2 rats so the bitterness is normal.

She will hopefully eventually come to the realisation her life is better

I can’t imagine the fall out if I mentioned it, my other friend suggested she tries to get a job or training (as she will have to provide for herself soon) and it caused an awful row between them.

We are all nervous around her now as she is furious a lot of the time. It’s not even like she is an angry person. She is usually so calm and serene.

Just be less available....
No dramatic exit necessary
.

Both SIL and one of my friends became incredibly bitter regarding relationships. SIL lost some friends because she was quite frankly vile towards people. I refused to see her for a while as a lot of her ire was directed to me who had dared to marry her beloved brother and was happy. Even her own Mother admitted how awful she was being and she loves her unconditionally. My friends period of bitterness was less intense and deep and she has been divorced three times. I had MIL crying in the phone about it all. Ultimately SIL personality changed forever she isn’t as bad as she was but it has made her someone people including men swerve more.

But why shouldn’t she get a job? The children are late primary, a job would do her good.

Be less available.

But what's the alternative? She continues to use you as an emotional punch bag?

It's ok to lay out a boundary - you don't have to fall out over it. She may be angry and resent you but hopefully down the line she will realise that you were trying to be helpful and maybe you could then rebuild the friendship. If not.... Well, you're not exactly getting much out of it at the moment so it may end up for the best.

Make it clear you are always there for her and care for her but you also need to step back as per the PPs suggested message and the rest is on her

She has never worked, she met dh at university and they got married soon after and did some travelling. She had never had a job so it’s a big task now.

How sad, what a difficult situation. Your friend's devastation is completely understandable. And of course she must find it very, very hard to be around friends whose lives are a constant reminder of what she's lost. It's a horrid conflict to have to go through, wanting to be around friends but at the same time finding it so upsetting.

Jealousy and bitterness are understandable human responses but she's clearly not doing herself any favours by "giving in" to those feelings so freely, and especially in saying them out loud. She really does need to gain awareness of what she is doing and start taking control of those feelings or she will get dragged down by them, and cause permanent damage to her friendships in the process.

Do you feel able to have an honest conversation with her about it?

She doesn’t work?

I have some but limited sympathy. She presumably choose to rely on another persons income fully so this is the consequence

which does not mean at all that SAHM can get completely shafted. But no one is entitled to not get a job

I guess my biggest worry is not her anger, that’s understandable, I am worried she will always see my life should have been hers and resent it, she is awful when she comes to lunch. Picking fault with everything, getting so drunk and just being low level PA.

I went through a similar passage to your friend when I was suddenly widowed. Prior to that I had a conventional life and a similar group of friends. Overnight I became a different person living a different life. My existing friends did their best, as you are doing, but I could never escape the feeling that they didn't really "get it". Because they didn't, as you don't. Don't know what it's like to be a single parent, to have the rug pulled from under you, the pain, the drugery of doing it all alone, the stress of not having another person to depend on any more (and I don't mean that as a criticism; how could you know?). I did start to feel bitter towards them (though I hope I didn't express it as bluntly as your friend does).

At that time I'd have been livid if one of my privileged, happily married friends suggested I get a job btw. She will hear that as a homeless man might hear a millionaire advise them to get a job.

Ultimately most of my friendships from pre-widowhood didn't survive, or not in the same form. A couple of the closest I do still see individually. Over time -years - I made new friends, mostly other lone parents, or widows, or people with their own struggles. I'm not the person I was before.

To be mid 40s gone to uni and never have worked would be pretty unusual - I feel bitter about her life up until now!!!!

She has been through something horrible, but she doesn't get a free pass on decent behaviour because of it.
You are a person, you have been a good friend, and you deserve to be treated well and with respect.
You are not there solely to support her or be an outlet for her anger.

You can distance yourself, and possibly consider telling her why. You can do this kindly. If she blows up, so be it. You will have conducted yourself in line with your values of decency and honesty- but she remains responsible for her own life.

I wouldn't advise putting up with it, it will understandably breed resentment from ypu towards her, and the longer that dynamic persists the harder it will be to address without a complete relationship breakdown.

I would pull back from this friendship. Negative people are so draining to be around, your mental health will suffer.

It's her responsibility to sort her life out and manage her emotions.

I could try. I am not great with conflict and she is very prickly.

if she would react badly to you approaching her directly on this, then perhaps a gentle distancing is better.

if she notices, and asks, then you should be honest - you can do this sensitively, but she'll react how she'll react - you don't have much control over that.

good luck!

She needs skilled medical care. Have you tried an intervention? It sounds like you don't have anything left to lose and she's completely off the rails.

I have dealt with something similar OP and it's a sad situation. Don't forget that you need a friend too, it shouldn't be one sided with you trying to make her feel better and you feeling guilty about your life. We all make choices and at least for now yours are working for you.

Added to say if she's drinking a lot that would explain the 'poor me poor me pour me another drink"

You would be doing her a favour if you spoke to her directly. She might fall out with you but there is a good chance it will sink in and help her at some point even if you lose her as a friend. Anger and bitterness is hurting her she needs to move on. Her old life isn't coming back

I can’t tell you how completely different she is, the things she says are so out of character, it reminds me almost of someone with dementia, she has no awareness of the impact of her words.
She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat. It’s just so unlike her. I am at a loss.