Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

It sounds like she is struggling. I think you need to let her know you’re there and to reach out, but yes, stop trying so hard and being so available.

I had a friend who went through a bit of this. Her partner left her when she was pregnant (like literally up and left, never to surface again, he started over with new partner and having new children and they’ve never seen him again). We had babies at the same time, and she was quite difficult for a few years. Everything was about how easy I had it and how hard she had it. She would not turn up to birthday parties or lunches or various other invitations and her dd would miss preschool because ‘she was a single parent’ (as if single parents don’t have to take their dc to parties or play dates or to preschool all the time). She just needed to wallow in it for a few years. She eventually got herself together and was back to life, but it did take time and some mental health support to do it.

I didn’t cut her off, but I gave her a wide berth as needed.

You don't have to be her punching bag.

It's OK to walk away.

I was just about to post the same. She went to stay with her sister Peggy got loaded up on Prozac and turned her life around.
I know it’s a comedy but it touched on so much that happen’s in women’s lives. When I became a carer for my dad I can remember being browbeaten by a social worker. And I can remember Bren dealing with one.
I think, whether the friend reacts or not, it’s actually a great kindness to tell her it can’t go on. It must be hurting her DC as well. And while ‘a job’ might seem scary it doesn’t need to be.
Nothing in this life is guaranteed. As hard it is you have to use your own resources and have your own interests when you can.

Actually think this is a really astute comment too.

Apart from maybe a couple since childhood, most adult friendships have a season and we connect over similarities

@SerenityNowInsanityLater sets out my view on all this.

Sorry OP that you're having to deal with this. Must be so difficult. My own parents split up when I was a kid, and my DM has been bitter ever since, despite remarrying a man to whom she was vastly more suited. And it's been very wearing! It's totally normal I think in these circumstances to feel bitter initially towards the people who've caused you the pain, but not to the people who are trying to help you. That's not acceptable.

I do also think, like some other posters have said, it sounds like previously she had a very nice lifestyle, which has now all been upended and she maybe feels that's undermined her 'position' in your group. Possibly quite mean to say this, but your description of all this makes her sound like the snobby Mum in Motherland!

Call it out. Tell her to knock it off and remind her that she will have no one if she keeps going with this poor me diatribe.

Yes, I know she was shocked and there is trauma there but she's wallowing in self-pity and lashing out which will not help her. Believe it or not, she does understand the impact of her words. In her head, she gets a bitter little satisfaction at hurting others because she is hurt. People who have led a charmed life (and it sounds like she has) can often become a different person when faced with dents in the road. Every time she says something nasty give it right back and remind her that just because she is hurting is not an excuse to hurt others. Her jealousy, and she is jealous make no mistake about it, is changing her to a darker place. You can be supportive from a distance but you do not need to be her emotional punchbag.

You're getting a small taste of what her husband had to live with......I wouldn't be judging him too harshly tbh 😬

I think you need to call her on her inappropriate remarks. I'm sure you can kindly let her know that she's lashing out at the wrong people. It's doing noone any favours letting her carry on like this

That is the point that I would have said that she wouldn't have any more of my time until she sought therapy. Has anyone actually confronted her ? She probably knows she's being a prick but - after what happened - she's seeing if you'll abandon her too. Don't let her do this, intervene!

I think this is the best way to approach it. Prepare a script so you know what you'll say. Don't worry about repeating yourself, it'll take effort for it to sink in anyway. Tell her that it feels like you have all become targets for her anger, and it is going to result in her losing friendships unless she gets some counselling to help her process this.

Your life isn't hers, though, and never has been or will be. You are two separate people. Nobody has a 'right' to someone else's life, that's just massive entitlement. She sounds like a spoilt PITA tbh. I think you need to distance yourself for now, because you shouldn't be her emotional punchbag, and she needs to wake up and see that she's going to lose her friends as well as her husband if she takes her rage out on people who don't deserve it.

She unfortunately is suffering the most horrific grief. She lost the love of her husband it’s hard to explain but knowing people that have lost husbands versus husband having affair leaving, they say death was easier. Sounds awful I know but there you go. How people react to your friends situation varies from person to person. Getting a job needs to go to the back of the list, as she will experience rejection again and again. Going to her GP and getting counselling is the first step in a long line of things to do, then she can tackle the big stuff.
Yes she will be bitter about everything and everyone “smug couples” offering advice, links to dating websites ffs and such. However a school friend contacted me with help and her words helped and I saw a counsellor and took things slowly.
What leaps out to me though is she has never stood on her own two feet. That is concerning they have to learn to adult alone, I feel perhaps she is finding that hard. It’s a whole new world for her to navigate.
Is there any relation you could contact to suggest they get her to the GP somehow I think she is very very depressed perhaps chronic.

You have been a great friend but like others have said you need to back away for your own peace of mind. You’ve helped but she needs to help herself.

Also to add when you do confront her she will turn on you and probably say some nasty stuff .. it's an intervention of sorts and she won't want to look at her behaviour and she's in victim mode at this point and will feel cornered. Be prepared to see/hear a bitch.

Also dont be surprised if she walks away before you can sort it out

I think this poster may have a point tbh.
I've had things happen to me that I could feel bitter about if I indulged myself, but the thought of lashing out in anyway at people would be unthinkable to me. Yes she is in a crisis but it's possible that this is who she is when things aren't going her way.
I think that's a valid point about the friends DHs. She is openly telling her friends that she is more entitled to a happy marriage!

Good idea. This is displaced anger… she was done wrong for sure, but she can’t blow up at people. She’s probably depressed and the drinking doesn’t help. Although it is a tragic trial by fire, her having to get a job and use her university qualification might be the making of her, allowing for some more self development and pride in accomplishments.

She’s going through a terrible time, this is all normal. Of course she will feel bitter and resentment. In truth once she’s got past this stage her life will probably change to getting a job,being in more with just her kids and finding new friends. All of you just illuminate what she also had and will make her feel terrible.

still be there as a friend but less hands on so she starts building a new life. So meet for a coffee once a fortnight etc.

The fact your life so closely resembles the life she ‘lost’, it won’t be helping her to be so close to you at the moment. It’s natural for her to grieve and to feel jealous, so she needs time to accept/embrace her new life and find a way to enjoy your friendship for what it is. In order to do that she will need space from you for the time being. I think you need to be upfront about your reasons for giving her space, and frame it as above, that you understand how she feels and you want to help. But the best way to do that is to step back for now.

That's a good point about being an adult on her own as well as the grief without the death.

I agree with that.

Your friend will come round in time, it takes some people longer than others. That is just life I'm afraid. I'm sure she doesn't realise what a pain she has become, poor soul.

You are a very nice, good friend but she does need a gentle wake up call.

I’m not convinced this side of her really is new, it probably just didn’t come out before because everything was going her way. I like somebody else’s suggestion of telling her that being around you is clearly upsetting her, that would allow you to distance yourself without it sounding like you’re making it about yourself. Somebody in your friendship group really needs to tell her that what she’s doing isn’t ok - that you understand what she’s going through and want to support her but that she’s hurting people’s feelings and shouldn’t be taking it out on the people that care about her. If after that she still can’t see that she’s doing anything wrong then maybe it’s time to distance yourself from her.

I have to say I think there's something in this - grief from death is easier because you carry no self blame. A lot of the bitterness at relationship breakdown is self hatred; feeling that you could have been a better partner and therefore the situation you're in is all your own fault.

I got as far as this post and I can't believe that not one single person that heard this woman say to another that she didn't know how she was remaining married because she was so fat and call her out on it like "Hey Mary! That was very uncalled for. Stop being so rude to Jane."

When she is rude call her out on it. Every time. We correct our children when they are rude and expect them to apologise so why would or should it be any different for adults.

Can I ask you @Cornishcockleshells, how strong is the friendship in this friendship group? Could you amongst yourselves decide to stage some form of intervention for this woman? Something that would shake her awake and realise that she is wasting time being angry and she needs to wake up or before too long she will have alienated her friends and possibly her kids too.

It seems an extreme personality change. Is she drinking more than she’s letting on? Not sure you can win here OP as she’ll probably take both confronting her or backing off as signs of badness in you as everyone is against her. If it feels right to you to speak to her then do it but being prepared for fall out, as you seem to be anyway.

I would just make yourself less available and certainly wouldn't be inviting her to lunch with your family.

Maybe see her for coffee with other friends but as others have said - if she says something mean - call her out on it.

She will either sort herself out and get a job or she will find another man - I have seen both happen to women in similar situations. The former is undoubtedly the better option although the latter may seem easier to your friend.

JFC

That alone is enough to steer clear of her.

Its not your fault that her life has turned to shit. She sounds unhinged frankly. As said, wide berth. Wider the better!!!