Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Yes do this. There’s no need for announcements or anything. Just be less available. If she brings that up then you can explain to her how she’s pushing her friends away. I see no point in trying to bring it to her attention as she will not be receptive to it. She needs to see it for herself.

Pull her up on it and explain whilst you understand she is hurting it is never acceptable to behave like that with friends. That you are all trying your best to support her but she is pushing you all away with her behaviour and she needs to stop otherwise she will also lose her friendships.

Explain your worried about her and that she needs to seek counselling but any further elements and you are done. You cannot overlook deliberately nasty comments because she's hurt and if the shoe was reversed she would be saying the same.

Her behaviour may be a shock to you but I bet her ex had seen this side of her. When I left my first husband other people finally saw his dark side. While we were together I was able to absorb it so he kept it behind closed doors. Once I had the nerve to leave him he had nowhere to dump it and started being awful to people and lost a bunch of friends.

While sympathetic to her plight this underscores the often repeated refrain on MN that you should not give up your job and make yourself financially dependent on a man - I told my daughter this all through her teens and she knew we'd have been screwed after I divorced and we never received a penny from her father. She's on mat leave now and wouldn't dream of not going back to work

I feel sorry for her but I feel more sorry for her DCs. What a miserable life she must give them.

I think your friend is having a mental breakdown. This is beyond bitterness.

What the fuck?

So it's her fault because she took it so badly?

Adversity in life generally has one of two long term outcomes - it either makes you better or it makes you bitter.

The end of this road is still far off for your friend and she may yet turn around from her bitterness. But it’s a miserable journey for anyone accompanying her on the way.

Take care of yourself and don’t let her spoil your own happiness. She is hurting badly and that is why she’s trying to hurt you. You can’t fix either her situation or her personality.

How about keeping it simple and just saying, you do need help to move on, because what you're doing now is taking your anger out on your kind and supportive friends, and that's not going to lead to anywhere good.

Can you talk to her along the lines of you're worried about her, some of the comments she has made are not like her at all and are upsetting for others and you're worried she is pushing people away who love her and want to support her. Or simply say that the last few times you've met, you get the impression from a few things she has said that she has not enjoyed it, so you think taking the pressure off and having a bit of a break might be for the best?

It does sound like she is a bit stuck in her head and would benefit from counselling

Grief, pain, endings, trauma... none of us get out alive! We are all going to face this stuff at several points in our lives because it's an inevitable part of being alive. The thing is, we sort of have to take responsibility for how grief and loss land with us. I've been through a pretty traumatic 3 years, OP, and I've been fully aware of my capacity to cut people up on my sharp edges. So, I make sure that I don't do that. But I know how to avoid harming others with my bitterness, most of the time (not always) because of therapy, time, recovery, more time, love... your friend has forgotten that in the the absence of her ex husband's love, love actually hasn't abandoned her. She needs to remember that she's still surrounded by an army of it and that this love for her is held by people who matter. Bitterness temporarily blinds people to the goodness that is right in front of them.

Anger is a natural part of grief and loss. Being a relentless, tedious, angry, bitter a-hole is extreme. I don't want to hate on your friend because this is her way of dealing with the pain, which is to say, she hasn't remotely dealt with it at all. She just can't accept what's happened to her because she'll be from that school of thought that goes, "Bad shit like this should never happen to people like me." Well, it can, it does, and when it happens, it really helps if a person has enough equipment to help them fall from that craggy, angry, grief-stricken cliff into the arms of grace with some dignity in tact.

Your friend is the only person who can help herself.
Maybe an enormous amount of silence and space will force her into the monk's cave where she can reflect. There is also the risk of her vanishing forever inside her echo chamber. But it's up to her as to how she's going to confront her relentless grief.
You've been a good friend. At some point, I hope she can remember this while she recovers. I am sure she will.
Perhaps, in a period of silence (if you all go a bit quiet on her and give her that space), she'll lean into therapy.
Grief is ugly. It's hostile. It's mean. It doesn't always show up this way but in your friend's case, it has. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is turn away for a while so that she is forced to turn towards herself and face what may seem insurmountable. She won't get over it if she herself doesn't do the heavy lifting.

One and half years behaving like this to her friends is outrageous. You have more patience than I have that’s for sure.

She needs to see her GP.

Maybe at the start, but why should this woman continue to be given and expect kindness with this level of behaviour?
Other people are not supporting characters and whipping boys for her bitter bitchiness.

Honestly, she sounds awful. Yes she's been through a lot, but she's had a lot of support from all of you and is throwing it back in your faces. I think we sometimes lose sight of the fact that friends are people we CHOOSE to have in our lives, and we don't have to put up with endless shit from them in the way we might have to from family members (even with them they are limits).

I think it's time for some straight talking. If she blows up, that's her choice and any fall out is on her.

That's unforgiveable. I'm surprised no one said "Mary, that's enough". If I were the fat friend, I'd be hurt no one stood up for me

18 months in, I can understand your friend is still grieving / angry, but that's no excuse for insulting other people

It's normal to be bitter, but absolutely not normal to take it out on your good friends.

I had similar, 20 years of marriage and he left me with penniless and with 2 kids. Completely out the blue.

Took me years so stop being bitter. However I was and am eternally grateful to my friends supporting me and putting up with my endless crying.

I know I was hard work during the first year but never ever took my hatred and bitterness out on them.

For your own good OP you need to step away from this friend. If she won't get counselling (and can afford it) and doesn't recognise she has a problem then sadly there is no more support you can do for her.

For your own well being, you have to walk away.

She really needs therapy - but until she sees that she's holding herself back she probably won't get it.

She probably thinks she doesn't need counselling because she's depressed about something real - a truly shitty thing has happened to her, and she can't believe life has dealt her a crap hand that she has to suck up.

Can you gently try suggesting that you know counselling won't change the facts but it will certainly give her the best chance at finding true joy after the worst happens.

It's hard though; two members of my family don't speak because one basically blamed and attacked the other for having better life than her after a tragedy befell her. Shit happens. We can't control it. The only thing we can control is how we respond.

This is wisdom.

Have you thought maybe she doesn’t want to be friends with you all any more?
I think ask her that. If she says she does. Then say that calling x friend fat and whatever else she’s done is making people think she no longer values them at all. Nobody wants to add to her pain so if she prefers to step back from friendships then you’ll respect that.
You definitely shouldn’t be putting up with all this regardless of what she’s going through

Has anyone actually tried giving her a bit of tough love? Not aggressively but "sorry, that's completely unfair and inappropriate - you cannot say that and I won't accept it"

Absolutely this. OP 18 months in, you would start to hope that your friend would begin her recovery especially whilst she still has a supportive group of friends to help her, however this is now waning and I can't blame you for reducing contact.

I work with a woman (71) whose husband left her 35 years ago for the OW. This colleague remains as bitter and twisted today as she did 35 years ago. Never has anything nice to say about anyone, criticises people on their choices (be that house, holiday, pet, soup flavour, buying Costa blah) or will make a snide comment if someone goes on a nice holiday, or meets up with friends at the weekends, or sees their grandkids etc. Because of her attitude, she has no friends bar one but she bitches about her too. I believe that this was always her personality and her husband couldn't deal with it so he found someone nicer.

I like this explanation.

However I do think that people like this don’t really disappear but come back when they feel on an equal footing. The scales tipped and that shook her sense of self, as well as what was happening with ex H. So as well as having all that to deal with, she also was the “poor” friend for a while - the role I had fulfilled for decades. Whose fault was that? Not hers, but mine for not staying in my lane. And there came the bitterness towards me.

this is why we shouldn’t forget that those harsh words are coming from somewhere. Don’t say anything, you’ll always be wrong and “putting the boot in when she needs support”. Just protect yourself.

"She has never worked, she met dh at university and they got married soon after and did some travelling. She had never had a job so it’s a big task now."

Ok this makes a LOT more sense now.

She's angry at herself for leaving herself so vulnerable and dependant. And she's taking it out on those closest to her.

Someone needs to actually say this to her. Someone who she won't abandon if they say it. I maybe have three friends who could say anything to me and I'd just have to listen... people who have known me since I was primary school age. Does she have anyone like that? What about her parents? Are they well? Does anyone know them well enough to intervene? What about a close siblings