Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

I understand her emotional state. I would feel the same. But you are not required to be her punching bag. I would back off from her but make sure you explain to her why. I would also make her seeking counselling a requirement for an ongoing friendship / communication.

Yes, this lady is terrified and her life feels out of control. She needs counselling - something that gets said a lot on MN, but in this case this is not just a throw away comment. She needs help to navigate her new life.

That poor woman! Her exh sounds awful. So disrespectful. From what op has written he wants to twist the knife in...telling the kids before telling her. Jeez.

Not really, but I can see she is trying very hard to be kinder.

If she can’t even say sorry she’s not trying very hard imo.

She is in victim mode. I am slowly distancing myself from her, but it's difficult as she's my tenant (lives on my property). And her financial situation is dire, so I can't morally give her notice.

It's entirely a problem of my own making. I was warned by Mumsnet a year or so ago to separate my life from hers and I didn't listen 🙄

Wow I don’t envy you!! Sounds torturous, especially the tenant situation. Unfortunately it’s usually easy to dish out good advice here, when we have no emotional connection to the situation. It’s much harder to actually implement it when you’re in the thick of it.

I was thinking exactly this! It makes me wonder if this is what she was like with her DH and perhaps the reason for his departure. You never know what goes on behind closed doors and perhaps her perfect life enabled her to mask her true personality in public, whilst her DH bore the brunt of it all behind closed doors. I would just very calmly suggest to her that for your own mental well-being you think it best that you take a step back from her as it's upsetting to be spoken to when all you are doing is trying to be supportive. Her comment to your "fat "friend is appalling.

She sounds unpleasant. she seems to think being slim and beautiful makes her more deserving of a faithful husband and a happy marriage. I think this is the real her

You need to pull her up on any comments she makes about your lifestyle as and when they occur by saying something like: "I'm your friend - not the cause of your unhappiness, so please don't take your anger out on me, I'm trying to support you emotionally but I won't allow you to inflict hurtful comments on me as I have feelings too" - or something along those lines.

I think it is fairer to be upfront with her rather that just distance yourself, as it will make her realise her behaviour is out of order and hopefully she will use it as an opportunity to apologise and start taking responsibility for herself. If it sparks a big row, then so be it - if she is any kind of friend to you she will reflect on all you've said and stop treating you so badly, and stop feeling so sorry for herself and get on with her life, job or no job.

An argument takes two people. One person can't argue on their own. If, after you've said your piece, she lays into you, you say, "This is an example of what I was talking about", then you turn and walk away. And absolutely refuse to engage in any argument. I never argue. I'm happy to "discuss" problems, calmly, and rationally. But I won't argue. It gets you nowhere. It's only natural that's she's going to be angry and bitter about how her life has changed. It's also natural that you and her other friends are bearing the brunt of it (those closest do tend be). However, there comes a time when you need to look after yourself. This has been going on for 18 months. It's making you miserable and it's not helping your friend move forward. You need to step back for your own sanity. There's a good chance the friendship, as it was, is over anyway. It's extremely difficult for a newly single person to maintain the same friendship with a group of couples that they used to have when they were one of a similar couple, not least because they will often feel like the the odd one out, the "third wheel". Some of the other partners will sometimes look on them as a "threat" as well. Plus, their life experiences are now completely different. You can empathise but you'll never fully understand how she feels, whilst she'll always feel a little resentful that you still have the life she once had. If every contact with her ends with you feeling like her punchbag, it's time to say "bye bye for now".

She's lucky that she has such loving and understanding f&f but after 18 months she must find help to make her way forward, and channel that anger, take responsibility for herself and take action to address her work and financial situation. If she doesn't, you will be carrying her financially as her landlord -assume she's unable to pay her bills? - and emotionally as a friend forever. Are you prepared for that?

Late MIL never moved out of her anger, bitterness and pettiness towards her exhusband (who was an unfaithful, feckless idiot tbf). It tainted their DC and wider family for nearly 50 effing years post divorce. When organising DC weddings/her funeral there were arguments as to which family members should be invited as they had "taken his side".

I feel sad for your friend. I pity your position too so hard. Sending love.

How are you and your friend OP? It’s so difficult for you all. I hope things have eased a little. Was just thinking of you all this morning whe. I was planning for Christmas. This will be a tough time of year for her especially and for you and her other friends worrying about her.