Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

I think your right and I don't think it's a gendered crime either.

One awful man we know. Walked out on first wife four children. My friend took the children in because mummy was either drunk or unconscious. She left food for mum. This lasted for weeks. She was a beaten wife physically throughout their marriage.

His second wife had the smallbone kitchen he kept bragging, diamonds etc. She did a moonlit flit with their son. He had beaten her tooThankfully her parents were wealthy and bore the solicitor costs.

Third woman he treated badly but she wisely lived semi detached never selling her home. She finally walked away.

He's now in a wheelchair, has carers he treats badly only a few male friends left who won't stand for any nonsense.

His six children, from three lovely women will dance on his grave I suspect.

@ShinyShona i was informally fostered for a year in the 80s by a couple where the wife worked FT and the husband was aSAHP. In retrospect he was incredibly controlling, she had to defer to him in everything and he had isolated her from her family and friends. Bizarrely even though they took me in, no one outside the nuclear family came through the door except his sister in a tightly choreographed yearly visit.

Yeah, sounds familiar. I'm always surprised when people assume it's the person who works that must be the controlling one. I can understand it looks much more controlling to keep someone at home AND stop them seeing people, so "letting" someone go to work doesn't look controlling. But when they are at home racking up credit card debt in joint names or not accepting any visitors in the family home it does partially explain it. It's just a different form of control where they use a person in a parasitic way.

I would step back a bit and stop the invites for a while. She is lucky that she has so much support. Sometimes people can't see anything beyond their own situation. Sorry not to be more helpful x

Parasite is right, they attach themselves to a person and make the host very unwell, not dying not living just exsisting, my idea of hell.

Storytime.

Going to work, its your income or nothing, you get in and are told by the other adult that you do nothing and dont help, that the kids and house are hard, but kids are in school and you cook and clean. But its all the other stuff the classes the trips the social calender and you slowly realise, this person has intiated all these activities and you were never asked, such a small realisation breaks you. I have a dependent adult who is more a teenager emotionally and finacially, and we are now in our 40s and i dont want to die in prison. Person at work is unattached you dont cheat, actually but you divorce, go for 50/50 house was yours before ypu married. They didnt understand that 5 years is not that long and the agreement was ill support you while we are married, but we were divorcing and actually i never owed you a lifestyle, your ex says you wasted best years of my life and you realise fuck you meet them at 35 your 5 years and done wtf was going on for the rest of those 35. Then its all done kids love the new house, ex loses third court case for spousal and that person from work 7 months is looking like a sure thing. 12 months later youve got a new partner and a happy suprise. Feels like a second chance so this time the plan is to get things right this time. 10 years in, for me marriagewise a record ;)

There is nothing better then finding someone to build outwards with, someone to share the finacial load with has saved my life.

I think she's grieving, which is why she's so out of character. The anger, the defensiveness, bitterness, attacks, self medication, creating a victim narrative, all of it, she's grieving.
It's really hard, she needs you all but can't regulate and be herself right now.
Sorry, you sound really kind.

As a friendship group what you seem to have are easy lifestyles (subjective of course). Now your friend has lost this she perhaps has nothing left in common with you. It is usual for people to find new friends when life takes a turn.
You seem to have been very kind, I think it has come to a point now where you have a little break from her. Send happy messages on birthdays etc but wait for her to arrange face to face contact. Otherwise I think you will become emotionally drained.
I don’t know if it is a possibility but if someone is this unkind to her friends is there a chance that she was not an easy person to live with. Maybe (but of course only maybe) she was bitter towards her husband, now he is gone her friends are the subject of unkindness? I cannot imagine any truly decent person asking some one, let alone a friend why they are married even though they are fat. That is bullying behaviour not a sign of grief.
Enjoy the company of your other friends.

I feel sorry for her and I can see that you do, too.

Maybe she is feeling very vulnerable and inadequate, to the point of not being able to vocalise her gratitude, because she is scared. Her own vulnerability may be petrifying for her.

she’s in her late 40’s. I am 44 and I have a teenager and a child in year 1. I look at myself int he mirror and often wonder, how…she is all alone, she’s never known a life alone. She’s been with her husband her entire adult life.

she is financially vulnerable. That’s petrifying. She must be quite embarrassed when you all take her out, whilst being distraught and full of grief. Maybe she picks fault in everything to balance that lack of control? She doesn’t want to be pitiful, but feels it?

she’s never worked. I’d be shitting myself, in her position. That is absolutely terrifying; she probably needs a job. How? What? What is she going to do…how will she put one foot in front of another, in order to get by?

you know what? I would talk to her when the emotions she is experiencing have settled a bit. You’re indulging your friend which is kind and loving. You are a good friend. I’m sure she knows that. What she in fact may need, is practical support to get her feet on the ground….help her grow some wings?

tell her that you can see that she’s worried about the future and she seems angry and understandably so. Maybe you can help her find a careers guidance person? Perhaps she may consider a course or some retraining? What would she like to do for work?

Maybe you could encourage her to focus on herself, whilst her children are at school - working on skills, exercise, wellness, anything that’s going to give her the confidence to be independent. On her own two feet.

sadly, so many women around me are divorcing or separated or planning to leave their husband when the kids are older/ they can get their financial ducks in a row. What I do know, is that having control over their own lives, is massively important.

Everyone needs a friend like you. Nice work.

You forgot the line where the kidult at home blames the person who goes to work for forcing them to take all the "mental load" which is actually just packing a social calendar because they're bored at home whilst the children are at school. Otherwise, you've summed it up pretty well for a lot of people who work.

I keep coming back to this thread with mixed feelings. I said I don’t have trouble believing the controlling husband not letting her work. The thing is, the more I think about it, I have never been in this situation, but I have had some dark times mental health wise. I have leaned heavily on friends support and I don’t doubt that as a bit of a burden. But at no point have I ever called any of my friends fat. Even drunk and without a filter. That has to be in your head in the first place, and it’s not in my head. She must have been thinking these things for them to be there ready to come out of her mouth under the influence of alcohol. I still don’t necessarily disbelieve the abusive husband thing, maybe that’s what’s made her like this. But deep down I am starting to think that maybe she’s not actually very nice. She can be a victim of coercive control and also not be a nice person. The two are not mutually exclusive.

This was the kindest, clearest, most thoughtful reply I've read on MN. It made me well.up. I totally agree with all of it.

Also, I agree with PP that it must be absolutely overwhelming and terrifying to go from being a coddled adult with barely any restrictions or responsibilities for her adult life, to being thrust into employment after years of doing whatever she wanted. It must have been a great leisurely life which probably looks like it was supremely desirable compared to standing on her own two feet without a crutch in her husband behind her.
To face that and make it happen without falling apart will be a huge obstacle to overcome. She's lucky to have a kind understanding friend in you.

She doesn't sound like a nice person at all, maybe it's just more obvious now. Something bad happening in her life doesn't give her the right to be horrible to people. I would distance. Next time she says something horrible in your presence though, you should definitely call her on it, don't just let her attack others.

My mother was the person doing this. After my father left, she insisted (still insists) that he 'stopped' her from going out to work. I've been no contact with my father since he left - for my own personal reasons - so I have no way of confirming if this is true. I am 99.9% certain that it is not, as I have discovered my mother had/has lied about a lot that happened in my childhood.

She has stated numerous times since that she expected my father to financially support her for the rest of her life, as she'd had had his children (children he never actually wanted in the first place...)

I hope he doesn't have to. I've always thought if I was one of those men that I'd be okay doing it for a couple of years but I wouldn't see the point of working much if it was for longer.

Too many signs of Narcissism. I doubt I could unsee it, so I'd be outta' there!
There's often grandiose but parasitic lifestyles, bitter resentment towards those who "have it better", sense of entitlement for the spoils of a successful life (disproportionate to own contribution) , love of boheme, fear of appearing ordinary, grudges that get carried a long time and thirst for vengeance, the scathing comments seemingly out of nowhere to cut someone else down a notch.. She's also throwing a tantrum because everyone and their pig has the life that only she deserves (because she's better than everyone else!).
Narcissists are absolutely charming whilst everything is going their way... But try and say "no" to one and the real deal comes out. This is her.

Or maybe I'm wrong and she's just...a filter-less, bitter and rude human being. If that makes it better.
She is being emotionally abusive towards her friends and I would never seek to excuse that with grief, stress or worry - same as in any other form of relationship.

Your dear friend has had a hard time. Fortunately, you and others have been exceptionally kind, supportive and helpful. Her ongoing negative and ‘woe-is me’ attitude is unkind to you and to herself. How we think and how we behave influences the life we lead. I would not choose to be friends with this person anymore. They need to move on, show gratitude, stop being jealous and to stop dumping and displacing on you. Her negativity is like a millstone.

They divorced 35 years ago, it went all the way to court where my 47 year old mother had her arse handed to her on a plate by the judge. She was told as a healthy woman with no dependent children (we were all over 18) there was no reason why she couldn't support herself, and even though my two brothers were still living in the family home, as adults they would have to find their own accommodations and the house was to be sold immediately. The financial split was 50/50, but my mother had run up a huge credit card debit in my father's name after he left. He could prove he'd never had the actual physical card to make purchases on, so that amount was deducted from her share. She had honestly expected my father to pay the remaining 20 years mortgage on a house he wouldn't be living in.

Not being funny, but if she’s like this around her friends, I’d be a bit worried what she’s saying to the kids!

See her as little as possible- what has happened to her is not your fault , but clearly she is jealous you still have what she had.
It's tough but she needs to accept it- otherwise she cannot move forward, she also needs to understand she cannot take out her frustrations on her friends, and keep them. Even if you take it on the chin, and let her trample you, it won't help her - so stand aside and let her get on with it for a while.

It’s understandably a very difficult, sad time for your friend and her anger is justified (part of the mourning stage of loss) as it will enable her to push away from the situation but in time (the shorter the better) she has to let go of the anger because it only affects one person and one person only and that is the angry person themselves and possibly the dc which is simply not fair - the rest of the world including you and her other friends will naturally turned their back on her so the sooner she learns to get rid of the anger the better and then her life will naturally turn around and she will meet the man of her dreams but ONLY if she gets rid of the anger which I am sure she will. If you smile, the world smiles with you😊. I hope she does and in the meantime look after yourself whilst giving her a listening ear when you can. Life is unfair and until we realise this, we can never heal ourselves!

Spot on. You never really know people’s true characters until they are put under pressure. I strongly suspect the husband knew who she really was. Now you’re all finding out. The spiteful comment to your friend is very telling. Her mind must be a vile place to have even had that thought never mind to have let it out. I’d drop her without any guilt after that.

Couldn't agree with these statements more.

Both spell it out.
This is who she is and always has been, but life has prevented it being revealed.

I would have been long gone.
She really isn't a nice person.
Her vicious nasty weight comment is the perfect final straw.
She hasn't an ounce of respect for herself or her friends.

She sounds beyond the normal levels of bitterness. You need to step back for your own sake - you've been a fantastically supportive friend but she's not your responsibility. She needs to get a grip...& a bloody job!