Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

on a funny note this has just reminded me of the Victoria Wood sitcom Dinner Ladies.
Jean reacts like this when her husband leaves her for a " lipless dental hygienist ". She gets increasingly hnasty until Bren intervenes and tells her enough is enough at which point Jean crumbles and reverts to a little hurt child. Might give you a smile if nothing else.

Absolutely not! There is no excuse for this level of verbal abuse, it's being going on a year and a half.
How long should she be allowed to be this nasty, hurtful and vitriolic? Do other people not matter? They're just punching bags.
Wonder how she'd take it after one of her shitty comments someone said in response
"No wonder your husband left, you're such a nasty bitch". ?

I lost a wonderful friendship with a woman I really loved as a result of her incessant negativity about her marriage/life. She was clearly heading towards some kind of breakdown but refused to do anything to help herself. Her behaviour worsened, she was drinking heavily, and making a total fool out of herself.

I tried and tried to talk to her about it, also wrote her a long letter begging her to get help. All to no avail, so I stepped back because she was totally doing my head in.

All you can do is try. Maybe a letter asking her to seek help for her anger. Pointing her towards resources for counselling or whatever.

It's such a shame when a good friendship dies a death.

Her comments are so extreme that I actually wonder if it is some kind of self loathing behaviour. She's clearly has a trust in her husband completely destroyed and perhaps now she is self sabotaging her friendships in a kind of, "see, I was right, no one really cares about me and I can't rely on anyone" kind of way. She's deliberately destroying the friendships before her friends dump her (in her mind).

You’re a good friend for thinking of her and giving her some grace. The spa day was quite bad behaviour from her though, she should have at least said thank you. Try not to take any of her comments personally, none of them will be meant to hurt you. I think it’s coming from a place or her being in so much pain and she’s lashing out. Time heals everything. Maybe take a step back for now to prevent any more damage done, and hopefully in time she might improve.

It sounds like you have all been babying her (with the best of intentions), but this has only been replicating her previous charmed existence.

However she is now lashing out as an unthinking rebellious teen can in order to assert themselves in some way.

Best for all if you leave her be. She is responsible for herself, not you.

Everyone blames the DH and the other woman but it wouldn’t have been easy for his head to turn if she was a better person. You’re seeing her true colours come out. What a bitch. You do all that for her and that’s her way of thanking you. Distance yourself. Next thing. She probably feel the world owes her and she may end up hitting on your dh soon.

If I am honest OP, I don't think a conversation with her right now will work. She's raging, she's upset, she's lashing out at everyone and everything. She won't hear the words with a clear head.
I'd pull back gently, stop inviting her to lunch and spa days, check in via text every now and again but step back to a safe zone.
Then if she asks why you are not doing x, y, z any more then you have the conversation because she's asked. Having unwanted advice when you are raging isn't going to work.
Sorry, I mean you and your friends sound absolutely lovely and have tried your best but she needs to get herself ready to listen before she'll change

She married straight out of uni at 21ish, didn’t have kids until her early/mid thirties (in her 40s, kids still in primary) but has NEVER worked? What a lazy, spoiled princess she’s been all her life.

I’ve had a couple of friends (one was married) behave in this manner. I’m not a SAHM/W. Luckily one cottoned onto the fact she was being quite bitchy about it and apologised. The other I think did lose a few friends. I’m lucky that I don’t have DC so didn’t have to navigate that side of things but the one who was bitchy told me her ex-H would be perfect for me because xxxx conveniently forgetting I had a nice boyfriend then.

You sound like a good friend - if you back off without telling her why you would be ghosting her which would be cruel.

Explain to her how you feel and say does she think its better if you two take a break. Give her the choice - empower her to make the decision. Leave the door open.

Maybe you just having this chat with her might jolt her into taking a step back and being more mindful of her behaviour if she wants to keep you as a friend.

I'd tell her straight.

"Friend, your life has blown up and we appreciate how devastating it has been and continues to be but you cannot continue to speak to us or treat us like you have been. Your comments about my marriage and friends weight amongst others have been outrageous. This isn't you and I know it isn't you so I'm giving you an opportunity to stop this, before I truly distance myself from you for my own wellbeing. I will not be the collateral damage in this. This nastiness won't restore your life the way it was."

And if she doesn't snap out of it or at least make an effort than I would stay away from her.

I think you are going to have to.

She won't like it and I think you have to accept that she'll probably storm off so do it on a walk or somewhere she can get a bit of space easily.

So she's never had a job. Maybe she'll actually enjoy the process of finding herself this way. Maybe she can take something she enjoys and turn it into a role. Do you think you could start the conversation this way? E.g you are very good at swimming, there are courses run by swim England to become a swimming teacher. Or if she does pilates could she start looking at the qualifications.

If she pushes back you can move it towards 'even if you don't want to do it, do you think it might be good to give yourself another focus?'

See how receptive she is to this (it doesn't matter if you've had the conversation before, have it again so you build up slowly).

And if she meets it all with negativity then you can say 'i know you are finding it hard but this sort of negativity is pushing those who are trying to help you away.......'

Would something like this work?

'My life seems to be a bitter reminder of what should have been for you. Would you like to take a break from seeing me for a while as I seem to be upsetting you?'

The problem is she might say 'no' and carry on being mean. She does seem to be stuck in the 'anger' stage of grief.

At the time yes, I can understand you being too stunned.

But surely you are over the "stunned-ness" now? So ask her why she thought that was acceptable and how she thinks it made the other person and yourselves feel.

Sadness is totally fine. I have been there at a marriage completed before you are ready to accept it.

Downright cruelty is not. Pull her up on it and then leave her to wallow if she wants to, or start to buck her behaviour up

Totally. If I’d said anything to my friend at the time it would have been seen as an attack “everyone is against me” type thinking.

as it was I said nothing. Agreed to only mention it if she asks. If she does ask though I would have very clear examples and dates to give her, as she may not remember saying these things as it won’t square with who she believes she is as a person. She may deny saying thing, but if you have clear examples, it’s less easy for her to say “oh I didn’t mean it” or “was this around the time when ex h had just done xxx and therefore i was upset”

TBF I think this was just the OP trying to maintain anonymity and not be too outing. More likely the friend is younger / the kids are older.

Christ almighty, how fucking rude is she?! Absolutely no need for that kind of behaviour, even if her husband has left and she's feeling shit. I hope the other 'fat' friend told her to fuck off!

Her comments are foul. You need to call her out on them. But be prepared to lose the friendship.
I have a friend who divorced many years ago, and was very bitter for a few years. Even though the divorce was her choice. Every holiday we took was met with how she couldn't afford to go on holiday. I bought a dishwasher and she was moaning about how she could never afford nice things, it became very wearing, and I did pull away for a while. Thankfully she returned to her usual self, but like a PP I still remember how nasty she was at that time.

Maybe up until now everything in her life has gone her way and has come easy for her . Now it hasn't. It sounds as if she was completely blindsided by what happened . I think once everything is finalised and she is in her feet again she will start to go forward .

I won’t deal with people like this anymore. They have zero emotional intelligence, no ability to reflect on the impact of their actions/behaviours towards others, no ability to take any kind of personal responsibility for their life/themselves, everything is always someone else’s fault, no ability to find positives in life, no ability to listen to and act upon constructive advice. They wallow in self pity and negativity and try to bring everyone around them down to their level, rather than taking action to make positive changes. They never do anything to help themselves. This behaviour is who she really is. What you’ve seen before was simply the mask used when everything was going right. People’s true personalities come out when something bad happens. You have done all you can. Time to step back and leave her to it now. A year and a half later and still acting like this is ridiculous.

If I were you, I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that she'd been feeling rather smug and superior in her life and spent your entire friendship looking down on you all. Now it's all fallen apart she cannot comprehend how YOU or your "fat" friend could possibly maintain your marriage and she lost hers.

These thoughts she's verbalising, this vitriol she's spewing, it's been there all along. It's just been cushioned with the knowledge that she's got it all, she's never had to say it aloud until now how much she sees you all as beneath her.

I would distance myself. You've been a good friend, you've done your part. I wouldn't put up with any more abuse.

Giving Elizabeth Broderick vibes...

Do you feel able to speak to her about this? Sometimes tough love is the kindest thing, and it’s only really good friends who will stick their neck out and have an uncomfortable conversation.

Appreciate every friendship is different, and this may feel uncomfortable to do. But she’s obviously isolating herself further and probably doesn’t even realise it.

It would definitely be kinder than silently distancing yourself.

As pp have said, just quietly become more and more unavailable. Your friend is being her true self and has dropped the mask that she wore.