To not want my parents alone at Christmas

[Belle04]

Quick backstory: DH and I on brink of separation due to his behaviour, he’s got one last chance. Me and MIL not on good terms as a result.
DH sprung upon me that this year he wants Christmas dinner as the two of us plus our 3yo and baby. Knowing his parents always have his sister and her partner for Christmas dinner. Said he wants both sets of parents to come to us in the morning. Meanwhile, my parents who I am close to, have no one else to spend Christmas Day with, and I don’t want them on their own for Christmas dinner. I said I’d like the morning as the four of us (DH I and two kids, to enjoy the magic with the children) then his parents can come round for a drink to see the children then my parents for dinner. He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents. Back story again: MIL has done Christmas dinner at her house since being married 50 years ago, SIL is In her 40s and ALWAYS spent it with her parents. I offered to host and they want to do it at their own house. We can’t just have both parents as his SIL won’t spend it without her mum & dad and we don’t have space to have all 8 adults.
I don’t think it’s fair that my parents should be alone merely. To “keep things fair by not having anyone for dinner” (husbands words)
yet his parents won’t be sat alone, they’ll have their daughter and her partner with them. Why should my parents lose out? Tbh my husband is on thin ice anyway with what’s been going on the last few months, he said he would make effort and not do anything “tit for tat” yet this screams pettiness.
thoughts please!

Just invite them , he can sulk in his room if he wants or go to his mums!

He sounds like a bitter, petty old fool. I can’t understand how any reasonable person would find this unfair.

Make your own plans, it really sounds like you won't have to tolerate him much longer anyway.

One last chance is usually about a million (slight exaggeration maybe) chances too many, so on that alone I wouldn't be doing as he dictates.

I am usually one for reasonable compromise wherever possible but something tells me the last chance will be up shortly so I certainly wouldn't be making Christmas all about him to the detriment of your parents.

How physically close are your parents? Would they stay the night or head off home after dinner?
What have you done for previous years? Just wondering if he agrees with you the relationship is over if this is the last time the dc will have Christmas with both parents? @Belle04

So has your husband spent every Christmas with your parents, because otherwise they would be alone? Because that would be wearing for me too.

Will your parents cope alone? Can they physically cook a Christmas dinner and care for themselves that day? That would also have a bearing for me.

In previous years, have your ILs spent Christmas together every year, and you and DH always with your parents?

No, last year we spent it with his parents, my parents and his SIL at his parents house. The year before that we did it alone. The year before that we had it with my parents during Covid and the year before that was with his parents.

No, last year we spent both parents and his SIL. The year before we had it alone. Then the year before that it was his parents and the year before that my parents!

It sounds like by Easter this won’t be an issue anyway so prioritize your parents.

What did your parents do last time you spent Christmas alone?

Your parents won't be alone; they'll be with each other. Have you asked them what they want?

Send him to his dps. You see yours. Christmas without him sounds appealing surely? My ex was also a cunt. Never saw him at Christmas and we had 3 dc.....

I agree with you, I wouldn't want my parents alone, especially as you say you are close. Why do your wants come second to MIL?

I think you are keeping it fair, both sets of parents are spending it with their daughter and husband.

30 mins away and would never impose that much. They would just be thankful to come see us, have their dinner then leave around 6:30 for when the kids go to bed!

Love this response xx

They were with my brother who has recently moved to London. They don’t want to not see their grandchildren over Christmas as they are their only grandchildren

If your marriage is in the rocks faking it over Christmas will be excruciating... Agree space is best and send him on his way. He can have the dc at his dps Boxing day. Mentally prepares you for festive times to come if you divorce... You are entitled to a decent Christmas! Imo it isn't all about the dc! It's a time to take stock of your life and what you want for the new year(and more!) that's approaching....

@Belle04 , honestly this feels like a test coming from your husband to see how far he can control you. I would suggest that you spend the morning as a family then your parents come just before lunch, his parents and you SIL & BIL can be invited for the afternoon and evening. That would be ‘fair’ to his parents because they decline invites to the meal anyway because they want to do it themselves. If he won’t be having that tell him you’ll invite your parents all day then.
It all sounds very stressful.

Exactly. I don't see why that's some kind of problem. I can't get my head around all the rest of it.

Thank you! Xxxx

Having Christmas dinner with your own family isn’t a lot to ask when you’re an adult with two children.

Your parents won’t be alone, they have each other and they’d see you in the morning.

You say you are on the brink - he has one last chance. Given that we still have about 6 weeks before Christmas, how do you feel the last chance is going?

How do you feel about Christmas without him? Relief? Light of spirit?

Maybe this is the last straw of the last chance and it’s time to let go.

They’re elderly, my dad has had a very upsetting time with his own mum receiving end of life care, etc and honestly it doesn’t sit right with me that they should just be the two of them for Christmas dinner when there is space at my house where I want them to be

There is absolutely no way I’d be leaving my parents just the two of them at Christmas. We host Christmas every year and have an “all welcome” policy so both sets of parents are invited. So far the in laws have not taken us up on the offer so every Christmas has been with my parents which is fine by me. I’d tell him to jog on.