To not want my parents alone at Christmas

[Belle04]

Quick backstory: DH and I on brink of separation due to his behaviour, he’s got one last chance. Me and MIL not on good terms as a result.
DH sprung upon me that this year he wants Christmas dinner as the two of us plus our 3yo and baby. Knowing his parents always have his sister and her partner for Christmas dinner. Said he wants both sets of parents to come to us in the morning. Meanwhile, my parents who I am close to, have no one else to spend Christmas Day with, and I don’t want them on their own for Christmas dinner. I said I’d like the morning as the four of us (DH I and two kids, to enjoy the magic with the children) then his parents can come round for a drink to see the children then my parents for dinner. He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents. Back story again: MIL has done Christmas dinner at her house since being married 50 years ago, SIL is In her 40s and ALWAYS spent it with her parents. I offered to host and they want to do it at their own house. We can’t just have both parents as his SIL won’t spend it without her mum & dad and we don’t have space to have all 8 adults.
I don’t think it’s fair that my parents should be alone merely. To “keep things fair by not having anyone for dinner” (husbands words)
yet his parents won’t be sat alone, they’ll have their daughter and her partner with them. Why should my parents lose out? Tbh my husband is on thin ice anyway with what’s been going on the last few months, he said he would make effort and not do anything “tit for tat” yet this screams pettiness.
thoughts please!

Would there be an atmosphere if your parents came for lunch, as a parent I would hate that.

Could you do a meal with them and your DC (without DH) on a different day eg Christmas Eve. Maybe do an alternative Christmas Day meal so have the Turkey full trimmings etc, with your parents (if that is what you like) and then have a different meal on Christmas Day. Then your parents can pop in on Christmas Day and go home before the meal.

Going forward if you do split up, it is possible you won't have the children every Christmas Day, so having a Christmas meal on a different day with your parents on alternate years may become the norm.

Stand your ground OP. He is not a keeper. 💐

If he had insisted that his parents should be invited but not her parents would the response still be the same?

I voted YABU as I don’t understand why you give a toot what a man you are about to divorce wants to do for Christmas.

Invite your parents, have a great day with your kids, he can do what he likes.

To be fair, the last thing they may want is to come when there is a rift between you and your H.

They will sense it.

How old are they?

They can't be that elderly if one of them still have a parent alive.

I hope you aren't calling anyone in their 60s or early 70s 'elderly'!

Christmas day is part of your culture and having your parents is important to you.

Bu they will ask where he is surely?

How do you think they'd feel knowing this?

And if he stays at home with them all surely it will be very tense?

I'd be mortified going to see my kids for Xmas dinner and then suss that they were separating or there'd been a row over who did what on that day.

OP I'm sorry to say this but it appears to be about YOU and getting one over your H, rather than being realistic over what is best for your parents.

Have you told them how things are between you?

To add:
the reason behind the seperation is verbal abuse that’s been ongoing for a long time. Things got better, then worse. A few months ago, when it reached a massive head, I told his mother (my MIL) what had been going on and basically asked her for help on the day in question to remove her son from my house and allow him to stay with her until things had calmed down. She ignored all my messages and calls. DH went to speak with his parents about his behaviour so they are fully aware of what’s been happening , he’s wished me dead and told me to die of cancer!!! They know all of this. My MIL has still NOT ONCE spoken to me since. So this is why I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable. I’m giving the man a last shot and think he needs to put me first this year!

You're a fool to give him one last shot, to be honest.

He's not a good man.

Playing devils' advocate, do your parents actually want to be at your house on Christmas day @Belle04 ? (With the other people there as well etc...) Me and DH couldn't think of anything worse than forced fun and banal conversation with our DC's partners family - and being stuck in that situation for the whole of Christmas day!

Me and DH pop and see our 2 DC on Christmas morning (they live 13, and 18 miles from us and we all meet at the one that is 13 miles away and spend 2 hours there.) Swapping gifts and having a few mince pies, and a glass of sherry - DH doesn't drink so he can drive us back. They pop and see their partners parents/their families on Christmas Eve, and the 23rd December - (like the nan, cousins, and an aunt or two.)

Anyway, on Christmas day, after seeing our DC, we go back to our own home around midday, and then we have our Christmas day as individual couples.

I don't understand why people can't just spend Christmas in their own home - with their partner/wife/husband/children. Why do so many people have to try to create a big happy family Christmas like you see on TV/in the TV ads?! It rarely goes to plan and half the people there end up hating the other half. You have all year to see each others families; just chill and relax on Christmas day in your own home. And why can you not see them on one of the days running up to Christmas.. 18th-24th December ...?

I bet the children would prefer that too. Our 2 DC used to love spending Christmas day with just me and DH - we would go see our parents/their grandparents Christmas Eve, and ring them for 10 minutes on Christmas day to wish them a Merry Christmas. (Mine and DH parents all died some years ago sadly...)

They hated it when their partners started dragging them around 7 different family members on Christmas day, (out from 10am to 8pm - to parents, sister, aunts, cousins, nan and grandad etc,) so much so that they couldn't fit US in. So after 3 Christmases they rebelled and said 'fuck this! I am staying in my own home! And just for a change I am seeing MY parents,' and the ridiculousness stopped.

They said they much preferred the quiet Christmas days we used to have. Roll out of bed at 9am, open the gifts, have some Christmas snacks, play some games, go for a walk, then come back and have Christmas dinner at around 4-5pm and watch a Christmas film in the evening with trifle, and mince pies, and Quality Street. What is wrong with doing this?

I do think your DH is a bossy git though

.@Belle04

I’ve added a bit more background! Both parents fully aware what’s going on…
but equally aware we are trying to keep it normal for the sake of our children and giving the marriage a final shot!
its definitely not about getting one over him, I’ve told him I’m happy to invite his parents over too.

Thank you for your thoughts! Xxxx

You're welcome. Hope I didn't offend you. It's just my opinions and thoughts.

Not at all, thank you ☺️ xxx

This is a great idea. Negotiating holidays, birthdays etc will happen soon so by planning new traditions and test running them this year might normalise it for the kids moving forward.

If you're definitely going to separate whatever, I wouldn't compromise. I'd almost think, get it over and done with before Xmas. That way, there's no tension either because you haven't had your parents or they're with you.

In other circumstances, I'd say it would be reasonable for you to spend the day together as a family. Your parents have eachother and can still enjoy the day, and I understand your DH just wants the day as his immediate family.

Yep. His Christmas behaviour should be the last straw. They might as well agree to separate now. Then OP can have Christmas with her parents and kids and he can go fish,

Yeah just have your parents over when you want. Tell him you’ll have his next year or his parents can come over some other time. Or he can go to see his own parents when yours come over.

Something tells me that your parental relationship might be more important than ever next year, and it sounds as though it would spoil Christmas for you if they are alone. Make it clear that it’s non negotiable and that if he insists on being a petty twat about it you’re going to take the kids there for the whole Christmas period and he’ll have to tell MIL (at which point her head will start revolving faster than a Catherine wheel).

Your parents aren't "alone" they have each other. My husband and I wouldn't expect our adult children to invite us over because we would be "alone" if we weren't going anywhere. We'd have each other and are capable of enjoying Christmas together and it would be better than visiting a child about to get divorced with her grumpy partner. It seems odd that you think them visiting you would be pleasant for them. If you don't want to spend Christmas with him don't but spending Christmas with your parents would be more for your benefit than theirs

Do you honestly hand-on-heart want to give the marriage another shot?

I honestly don’t know. I never thought I’d be one of “those people” who stay “for the kids” but they’re so young at 3 and 8 months that I can’t bear the thought of not having them with me and splitting childcare. If it wasn’t for the children, I honestly don’t think I’d be giving it another go. To try one more time isn’t a decision I came to lightly, it took a few months to consider. And so far, he has made changes. Even reading comments on here about how if we separate I won’t get Christmas with my children breaks my heart and makes me think I have to stay!

OP's parents "have each other" every single day. This is such a mean attitude on a high holiday and notably, not one the "D"H is proposing to inflict on his own family.

Thank you @GrumpyPanda that’s exactly it. Xxx

@Belle04 Of course you will still get Christmas with your children. Okay so you may not get the actual day of the 25th but then you do your Christmas Day with them on the 24th, or on Boxing Day. And you do activities or Christmassy things with them throughout December to make the whole month a gently special time.

Think very hard about what your children will learn about relationships from you and what you decide to put up with 'for their sake' - they are young enough now that they can much more easily adjust to a new normal.

Hope you sort Christmas out in a way that works well for you.