To not want my parents alone at Christmas

[Belle04]

Quick backstory: DH and I on brink of separation due to his behaviour, he’s got one last chance. Me and MIL not on good terms as a result.
DH sprung upon me that this year he wants Christmas dinner as the two of us plus our 3yo and baby. Knowing his parents always have his sister and her partner for Christmas dinner. Said he wants both sets of parents to come to us in the morning. Meanwhile, my parents who I am close to, have no one else to spend Christmas Day with, and I don’t want them on their own for Christmas dinner. I said I’d like the morning as the four of us (DH I and two kids, to enjoy the magic with the children) then his parents can come round for a drink to see the children then my parents for dinner. He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents. Back story again: MIL has done Christmas dinner at her house since being married 50 years ago, SIL is In her 40s and ALWAYS spent it with her parents. I offered to host and they want to do it at their own house. We can’t just have both parents as his SIL won’t spend it without her mum & dad and we don’t have space to have all 8 adults.
I don’t think it’s fair that my parents should be alone merely. To “keep things fair by not having anyone for dinner” (husbands words)
yet his parents won’t be sat alone, they’ll have their daughter and her partner with them. Why should my parents lose out? Tbh my husband is on thin ice anyway with what’s been going on the last few months, he said he would make effort and not do anything “tit for tat” yet this screams pettiness.
thoughts please!

I think you’re absolutely right. A lot of people on mumsnet seem to have some weird thing about “nuclear family” Christmas. Of course your parents want to be with their child and grandkids at Christmas and it would be bonkers to prevent this from happening just to appease your dick head husband. If I was a granny I’d be really hurt to be told I wasn’t invited for Christmas just because my child wanted it to be “just them”.

What about having a separate meal with them on Christmas Eve or boxing day? Your parents won't be around forever; do something that you won't regret years down the line by feeling like you didn't do right by them. I've learned that the hard way.

Yanbu.

To keep it "fair" as he puts it you invite his parents the fact that they won't come as they like to host at home is their issue.

Thank you so much for this xxxx

Exactly this xxxx

There is nothing weird about some people wanting nuclear family Christmas, different people like different things and usually that means compromise if partners like different things. Does your DH get on with your parents?

Sounds like he's just trying to hurt you tbh. Do what you want because at this stage what's the mileage for you in doing what he wants? Doesn't sound like it'll win you any goodwill.

We can't all have the Christmas we dream of. I would love to have a Christmas day with all my children and grandchildren but they have parents in law and siblings with their own families, some of my children have to work so can't travel, DH chooses to be elsewhere so we have never had the sitting round the table for lunch.
I wanted Christmas morning to be just us (never actually got it - just me and them) so have encouraged that with my children when they had their own little ones.

Of course your parents want to be with their child and grandkids at Christmas and it would be bonkers to prevent this from happening just to appease your dick head husband

Thats an assumption. Why would two adults who have each other mind doing Christmas together? They aren’t alone.

I have 3 children and honesty I’m looking forward to quiet christmases to have a break and not stand on ceremony thinking about gifts eating dinner polite conversation.

What’s wrong with wanting Christmas your husbands way?

Parents see the kids opening gifts and they can just play.

You could ask your parents if they actually mind being alone – the first year mine were (during Covid), they went all out with fancy food and champagne and watching all the telly they wanted and had a brilliant day together!

But agree with other PP – if he's going to be an ex soon, sod him. Invite your parents to spend it with you and the kids and if he doesn't like it, he can go to his parents instead.

This is why you have so many problems op, because he sounds very selfish and unkind.

Your entire post is all about what he wants. You are not being unreasonable. At all.

I’d invite your parents, if I were you. You’re not going to enjoy Xmas much if you’re upset about your parents being alone.🤷‍♀️

Christmas is a time for families. Tell him to jog on. 🙂

Absolutely hell no if my DH said my mum couldn’t come for Christmas (my mum is widowed). Considering you have a young child AND a baby I’m assuming he must have done something pretty bad for you to be on the verge of separation? If so I would not be pandering to him one bit. Just tell him what you’re intending to do and then he can make his own choice. Test the waters to see what a separation would look like.

Why do your parents get cooked for by you, your brother and your in laws?

Why can't they have you all?

Why can't you go to your parents with the kids and leave DH to do whatever?

You've suggested reasonable compromises and your husband had just decided its his way or nothing. Once I got married we alternated between families doing Xmas day with one set of parents and boxing day with the other. The year we bought our house and had our son I hosted my parents and grandfather for Christmas. The following year my mother and grandfather passed away. You never know how life will go so prioritise your family as a whole.

It sounds like MIL and SIL are happy to spend Christmas together at MIL's house and aren't looking for a Christmas dinner invite? They refused an invite to yours and that's on them. Not sure why then it would be unfair to have your parents for dinner if they're happy to come.

My MIL, like yours, has always hosted Christmas dinner at her house for extended family. After our son was born, she expected us to join them but we decided to stay at home and she continued with her usual plans. ILs visited us in the morning then went on their way. My mum (widowed), sister and her husband came to us for dinner after having Christmas morning at home. Probably not everyone's first choice but everyone got to see everyone on the day and it worked out fine. MIL did still want us to go to them for Christmas dinner so we visited on the 27th instead.

OP - I don’t think any of this is about Christmas. In some ways, you’re both being unreasonable - your husband could compromise and you could stop making a fuss about your adult parents being alone when they’ll actually have each other. It’s only a day, there’s no need for so much drama.
However, I think the real issue is that your marriage is over. You are fed up with your husband so you have no tolerance left to compromise or make things work. Sometimes, it’s these seemingly small things that make us realise that things are over. Does that make any sense?
Think about your future - do you see your husband in it? Do you want to grow old with him?

…..are you sure the relationship will make it until Christmas Day?! Christmas is a stressful time of year (and most of the stress/organising and planning falls on women) so I would say there are a few options.

1. remind twat DH that as the person who is choosing,buying,wrapping all presents, cooking the Xmas dinner and everything else that goes with Xmas YOU get to ensure that YOU are happy on Xmas day. So, you will be inviting your parents for dinner and if he doesn’t like it then he is welcome to go and have dinner/move in with his parents.
2. compromise. DH wanted all parents over in the morning to watch kids open presents (you didn’t) and you wanted your parents over for dinner (he doesn’t) …so the compromise is his parents come in the morning then go home and your parents then come over for dinner
3. Plan separate Christmas’s as he is a tit and you won’t be together

I’d say ‘Listen up, Option 1, my parents are coming for dinner in the afternoon, you can stay and be pleasant like a normal, grown-up married man’.

Option 2, fuck off to your parents and go and have dinner with them.

You choose.

Sounds to me like he’s just thrown away his last chance being a miserable petty little tosser. Make your own plans op and spend it with people who truely love you.

Do you want the marriage to work OP?

You can't invite people for Christmas morning then tell them to tuck off so you (and even worse they) can eat dinner alone. That's bizarre and rude. Your DH is being utterly selfish.

He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents

There is no "fair", there just is what there is. I can't believe how many people seem to be tracking contact hours with a spreadsheet and think there's some magic formula to be observed.

I actually prefer the husbands idea. All family round in the morning during presents then a nice more chilled afternoon and dinner just the four of you.

Can always do a larger family meal the day before or after.

After all this could be your last Christmas the four is you as well. The last Christmas that although the children won’t remember there will be photos of them having a Christmas with both mum and dad together 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then you can have every Christmas with your mum and dad for dinner anyway some years with the children some without whole he has them.

I'd go with everyone coming round in the morning; or make room for 8 adults at dinner.

It's tit for tat to decide yours can come round for dinner but his can't.

If you're truly trying to make your marriage work, his suggestion isn't the worst - but it'd probably be easier with more adults around, and give everyone the family Christmas feel you are striving for.

If you're not, it'll be one last Christmas altogether before it all changes, and again, having more adults around will make it easier and less unpleasant.

I can see how he's got from you saying there isn't room for 8 adults for food towards visitors coming in the morning and then you having dinner as a four, to be honest.

There's probably a generational thing here too, though. Most of my friends are currently trying hard to convince parents/in-laws to make other plans so they can have dinner as a nuclear family.