To not want my parents alone at Christmas

[Belle04]

Quick backstory: DH and I on brink of separation due to his behaviour, he’s got one last chance. Me and MIL not on good terms as a result.
DH sprung upon me that this year he wants Christmas dinner as the two of us plus our 3yo and baby. Knowing his parents always have his sister and her partner for Christmas dinner. Said he wants both sets of parents to come to us in the morning. Meanwhile, my parents who I am close to, have no one else to spend Christmas Day with, and I don’t want them on their own for Christmas dinner. I said I’d like the morning as the four of us (DH I and two kids, to enjoy the magic with the children) then his parents can come round for a drink to see the children then my parents for dinner. He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents. Back story again: MIL has done Christmas dinner at her house since being married 50 years ago, SIL is In her 40s and ALWAYS spent it with her parents. I offered to host and they want to do it at their own house. We can’t just have both parents as his SIL won’t spend it without her mum & dad and we don’t have space to have all 8 adults.
I don’t think it’s fair that my parents should be alone merely. To “keep things fair by not having anyone for dinner” (husbands words)
yet his parents won’t be sat alone, they’ll have their daughter and her partner with them. Why should my parents lose out? Tbh my husband is on thin ice anyway with what’s been going on the last few months, he said he would make effort and not do anything “tit for tat” yet this screams pettiness.
thoughts please!

Thank you so much for your really thoughtful response @AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras means a lot!! Xxxx

Have you asked your parents how they would feel about having Christmas with just the two of them this year? They might like it!

Having said that - my own children aren't worried about me and DH being on our own for Christmas, and haven't been for years! I like to have family about me but understand they have other commitments -but it would be really nice to be invited to one of them just for a change!

I think like you, they’d be a little disappointed and upset. They have a small house so can’t accommodate anyone other than themselves to be honest and only have me around. Plus, regardless of any of that, I love my parents, don’t know how many I have left with them, and I want to spend it with them. It’s my youngest baby first Christmas and after a busy year, I want a nice day. I know it’s “just one day” to a lot of people, but it means a lot to me. DH PARENTS won’t be alone. Why should mine?! I bet if his parents were alone he would have a different tune to whistle.
sorry your children haven’t invited you!! Maybe mention it to them? Xx

They won't be alone as they have each other. If only one parent were alive, I would say to invite them, but they have each other.

I get it, OP - my DP are in their 80s and even though they would have each other, they would be sad to not be with us on Xmas Day so we always have them over. I would want them to stay too and given your DH's behaviour, I would be prepared to push for it. He hasn't given a good reason not to.

It's your home
Invite who you like

I can’t foresee any situation where I’d want to be away from my children especially if they are going through a hard time like I am/have been.

There is a big difference between feeling like you do when your children are tiny and when they are adults.

There are many families who don't get together for Xmas. It's not the end of the world. Your parents only live 30 mins away. You can see them daily if you choose to.

Mine live 7 hours away and we have never ever spent Christmas with them since we had our children.

You're talking as if your parents are very old 'How much time with them' but seriously- how old are they? And compared to many of us, they live what I'd call round the corner.

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL but, being honest, very few mums are going to side with a DIL. They will stick up for their son.

It sounds as if your marriage is over and I'd not want to spend Christmas at your house as it would to too tense.

DH PARENTS won’t be alone. Why should mine?! I bet if his parents were alone he would have a different tune to whistle.

But there is a difference. Your H's family have other children to be with.

Your parents aren't alone. They have each other.

You have the highly 'romantic' idea that all families should be together at Christmas. Often, location prevents that and so do many other reasons.

Given what appears to be an impending divorce, I think you should have a quiet day on your own without making it a big deal. Or, take your kids to see your parents and go home for lunch.

@Belle04 is your parents' house really too small for you to go with your children and spend the afternoon there and have a simplified Christmas dinner so it's not too much for the kitchen/dining area?

Have breakfast and open presents at home, a vaguely Christmassy lunch so your DH is happy enough, then he can go to his parents for the afternoon.

I think that's what I would do in your situation.

OP don't forget how damaging it is to children to hear their father 'verbally abuse' their mother. If they haven't heard it yet, they will... But more importantly it is very damaging to YOU to live with this abuse. Find your strength. He is not a good man, husband or father. Good luck!

It might be an idea to have a chat with your parents & given the circumstances of your marriage they may understand your DH wanting to have a shot at spending the majority of Christmas day yourselves.

Personally there are sometimes Christmas days where although we spend time with most of our extended families on both sides over the whole Christmas season, including adult children & young grandchildren, due to circumstances the actual day has been just DH & I & we love it. We get to make our own choices of food,timings, TV etc & generally chill for the whole day. We never feel we are 'left alone' & wouldn't in the future when necessary. I suppose it all depends on the couple concerned though.

They're not on their own - they've got each other? They're coming in the morning? Why does everyone have such complex arrangements? Just say everyone round in the morning see the kids etc and then its just dinner for you 2 and the kids. Sounds reasonable to me.

We rotate Christmas day and spend it with my in laws one year and my parents the next. This means my in laws being on their own on their own every other year while my parents are never alone as my brother always spends Christmas with them. My DH found the idea of them spending the day alone hard initially but eventually came to accept it was the best solution. We always do a second full Christmas day on boxing day or the 27th with the family we didn't see though. Would something like this be a solution?

Christmas is a time for extended family. Everyone saying OPs parents have “each other” are being very Scrooge like. Of course it’s normal to have parents/grandparents together at Christmas!! I wouldn’t have it any other way, neither would anyone I know.

Don't let him control you, especially if you are cooking etc.

It depends on the circumstances.

Location matters.

There are no trains on Xmas and Boxing Day. The roads are crazy and the weather can be a factor.

Mentioning it probably isn't wise. If they'd wanted to invite the PP, they would have.

I suspect the person who said that this is very over, and you've got no room at all to compromise because you're done with this, is right. You're flogging a dead horse.

DH's parents might not be alone, but they'll also miss your baby's first Christmas. Surely the only reasonable thing to do here is to make room for everyone, or no-one?

True, this is also a good option. If you have Christmas at home on the day itself you could get away from it all with the children and your parents on Boxing Day. Make a whole day of it and it will be just as special.

Especially when parents are genuinely happy with this arrangement. If it isn't discussed how would you know.

I think if you are genuinely giving your marriage a go I would have the day for the four of you and see GP in the morning as proposed. You could invite GP for lunch on boxing day.

Which is more important your marriage or having your parents there?

If it's your parents then call a day before then on your marriage. It's not fair to any of you.

They are not "alone", OP - they have each other. Me and my husband have spent every Xmas just us two for 30+ years - I don't see what the issue is. At all.

Let's be generous and say that your MIL did not respond to your texts when the shit hit the fan because she didn't want to get involved in your marriage. Trying to involve her and her not having a bar of it, has obviously lead to total breakdown of your relationship with her, understandably. Also, awkward for your DH and you, is that his DM now knows all about your marriage issues. I'm guessing you may have also told your parents about the issues, so that perhaps explains why he's not keen to spend a long time with them on Christmas day, as he will and should be embarrassed about his behaviour, which was awful? So his plan is to avoid your parents as much as possible.
So you don't want to hang out with his parents, and he doesn't want to hang out with yours, and you both have understandable reasons as to why not. I think the only solution is for you to be with your parents, and him to be with his, after having the morning together.
In general though, you've been through a lot the past year - birth, a cancer scare. Far from him checking out and being unsupportive, he's actually wished you dead. That is extreme stuff and vitriolic, he actually doesn't like you at all and has absolutely no respect or care for you. Yet here you are since, trying to get over what he's said, and I don't know how you can.
I understand you are struck by fear of splitting with small DC's. Nobody ideally would want that. Given that the wish to part has been put forward by you, and it doesn't look like he is about to take charge and leave of his own accord, you have time to plan. Planning may help you to lessen fears and help you to feel you are actively doing something, rather than just feeling stuck.
So consider life going forward. Are you on mat leave? Will you be going back to work? Does a split seem more doable when your youngest has settled into nursery? How will the the assets be split etc.?
Meantime, I think some singular counselling for both of you, or at least you, would be helpful for you to work out where you are at with it all in you mind ( joint counselling not being recommended in abusive situations). Has he taken back what he's said? Apologised about a heat of the moment situation? Or does he blame you for what he said?

If your husband doesn't want them there and he's as horrible as he sounds, he will make the whole thing super uncomfortable for everyone. If you are set against leaving him before Xmas, I'd find a solution together that works. Your parents are so close by that you can be super flexible - a half day, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day... so many options. Your kids are tiny and won't know better so you can do gifts any day of the week and they'd be happy.

I don't think either of you are wrong about this - DH and I are immigrants so have only had two Christmases with his parents since our kids were born and we love our lazy days when it's just us so much. But of course if we were on the brink of divorce and he was abusive then that wouldn't be much fun.

Inherently I think he crossed the line and you should have left him long ago but that's a different issue...

I think am with your parents visiting (sort out with your Mum what they are eating and maybe make their gift a hamper for Christmas lunch with everything M&S Prepped for 2 so it doesn't take 8hrs to cook, they go home for around 1 to sort their christmas lunch, you guys have yours at home on own and then over to MIL early evening for snackfest and games evening with the kids.

I spent around 8 years having MIL at ours meaning we couldn't go see my parents (around 2.5hrs away) they weren't ever on their own but I would have liked a couple with them before they passed away but we never managed it. We always saw them before - or I did with my daughter and one year we travelled to my brothers and he put us all up including MIL. But she didn't want to travel as she got older (died at 89) and struggled to get to us the last few years but wasn't really possible to stay with her in London - ended up doing a 2 hr down and 2 hr back trip to fetch her and drop her off, plus all the church requirements when she was here - wasn't our own. I like to go away just UK but we are staying home this year, daughter home briefly and she and I have booked a London Theatre experience and I will go and fetch her probably

I feel sorry there are people who automatically assume all couples regardless of age feel 'alone' if they have Christmas day together without others around. DH & I absolutely love spending time with our children & young Grandchildren on Christmas day. We love it no less when we have the day together just the two of us. There will come a day when one of us will be on our own & of course we would always wish to be included on the day. Please don't assume people can't be happy spending the day together as a couple & worse using the expression ' left alone' We love it.