To not want my parents alone at Christmas

[Belle04]

Quick backstory: DH and I on brink of separation due to his behaviour, he’s got one last chance. Me and MIL not on good terms as a result.
DH sprung upon me that this year he wants Christmas dinner as the two of us plus our 3yo and baby. Knowing his parents always have his sister and her partner for Christmas dinner. Said he wants both sets of parents to come to us in the morning. Meanwhile, my parents who I am close to, have no one else to spend Christmas Day with, and I don’t want them on their own for Christmas dinner. I said I’d like the morning as the four of us (DH I and two kids, to enjoy the magic with the children) then his parents can come round for a drink to see the children then my parents for dinner. He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents. Back story again: MIL has done Christmas dinner at her house since being married 50 years ago, SIL is In her 40s and ALWAYS spent it with her parents. I offered to host and they want to do it at their own house. We can’t just have both parents as his SIL won’t spend it without her mum & dad and we don’t have space to have all 8 adults.
I don’t think it’s fair that my parents should be alone merely. To “keep things fair by not having anyone for dinner” (husbands words)
yet his parents won’t be sat alone, they’ll have their daughter and her partner with them. Why should my parents lose out? Tbh my husband is on thin ice anyway with what’s been going on the last few months, he said he would make effort and not do anything “tit for tat” yet this screams pettiness.
thoughts please!

Having read your previous comment, about him wishing cancer on you and his mother enabling him, I really don't think you should stay for the sake of your DC. Pretty soon your three-year-old is going to starting picking upon your DH's language and tone, even if they don't understand the meaning of the abuse. As someone who grew up with parents in the same dynamic, it's stressful, distressing and like living permanently on eggshells. As a PP said, your DC are young enough to adapt to a new normal very quickly and you will still have Christmas with them every year. Christmas is what you make it.

We love it too. We're very happy having a relaxing day together, even though we love having my grown up children here when we can.

But it doesn't sound like OP's parents necessarily do. A lot of people do really want to be with wider family on the day. Either way is perfectly valid.

(but as something for @Belle04 to consider, you definitely make a valid point)

@Belle04 may be worth discussing with your parents and making a plan sooner rather than later. It will mean you don't have to stress/stew over this for the next weeks leading up to Christmas. And you will also figure out whether the core of it is that you really don't want to spend Christmas with just your DH and children. In which case that says a whole lot about your relationship and what you probably ought to do long-term.

That's ok for you but would be miserable for lots of others.

Do you have kids and grand kids?

You have kids and grandkids but choose to spend Christmas Day alone?

Parents see the kids opening gifts and they can just play. GPs like to see kids opening gifts too. And please don’t say “they’ve had their life”.

I bet the children would prefer that too. People vary. I loved the “big” (8 people) family Christmases, the noise, the silly team games with balloons, even though every second year I spent it in my aunt’s house not my own. DC loved having their grandad, and still come for Christmas Day in our home.

I’m not religious, but I take the “goodwill to all men” side seriously. It’s about me and my little family, but it’s also about the people dear to me, and I would not leave parents alone unless they wanted it. It’s not about whether they’re physically capable of cooking, it’s not about whether they can enjoy each other’s company, it’s whether they feel part of a family that cherishes them.

Of course, if you don’t cherish your parents, none of this applies

One of my grown up children isn't married & usually works on Christmas day. The other one alternates between us & in-laws on the day. We have our day together on Boxing day. What's not to like. It works for us & we wouldn't change it.

To add while we have each other we are never alone. As I keep saying we love it on the days we spend it just the 2 of us .If that day comes our family would never leave us on our own on Christmas day & I'll never understand people who do that to elderly people living alone. We are in neither position,ie elderly or on our own & so far it works.

And what's wrong with being cherished the day after & doing all the same things perhaps with less people. Nothing stays the same for ever. Families evolve.

I hated house fulls or travelling on Christmas as a child.

Hate the whole performance of having all the grannies and grandads and aunties and uncles staring at your face for the reaction as you open the present. The noise from so many people though at least auntys and uncles normally came with cousins granny and grandad just came with expectations.

I assumed you were an only child from your earlier posts, but you have a brother! So why can’t your parents have dinner with your brother again like they’ve done in a previous year, and pop round to yours in the morning along with DH’s parents? That way they do get to see their grandchildren on Xmas day but your DH get his (not unreasonable) wish to just have the 4 of you for the meal.

Some people aren't understanding that for the OP's parents this isn't going to be a family Christmas full of games and jollity but a Christmas with a couple who now dislike each other and are probably separating. Not all families do games either, I thought they did but my husband's family dislike games and don't play them where as our side love them. Attitudes to alcohol and walks etc vary too. I agree older relatives often have unrealistic expectations about how excited a child is going to be about their particular present when there are so many and as a child I often just wanted to retreat to my bedroom with a favourite toy or annual. Baby's first Christmas isn't that exciting either, primary school aged kids enjoy it more

What an unpleasant post. Such mean, snide, passive-aggressive comments. 'If you don't want to have your parents at yours for Christmas Day you clearly don't love and cherish them.' FFS The silly grinning emoji at the end doesn't make your post any less rude and offensive.

I could have written this. Nice to see the family/DC on Christmas Day, but me and DH are perfectly happy with our own company. (And the cat!) We have loads of fun together. Roll out of bed around 10am, sit munching mince pies and pringles, and watching a Christmas film. Then we go for a walk, and to the pub for an hour, and then have our Christmas meal around 5pm.

Then I sit there at around 7pm at the dining table with a glass of port and some cheese and crackers and a jigsaw, just happily clicking away - whilst DH watches Die Hard or Coming To America. (This is on the occasions we don't go to visit our DC which has happened several times ... when they have gone away, or if they just want a Christmas Day on their own...)

.

I can see why you're separating from your 'D'H. He sounds like a total dick.

YANBU.

@Oreyt maybe the adult DC are spending Christmas with in-laws or in their own family unit some years. Many people rotate years including one when they have a just us Christmas.

As a child we had grandparents stay or visit for Christmas. I loved it. Only when as an adult did I realise how it wasn’t quite so enjoyable for my DM, especially when it was the in-laws staying.

Nothing, if that's what your family want to do. OP and her family don't want to do that.

Yes, families evolve, but evolution isn't always positive. "Families evolve" isn't a clinching argument.

'If you don't want to have your parents at yours for Christmas Day you clearly don't love and cherish them.' I didn't actually say that, Those are your words. You are confusing cause and effect. Or deliberately twisting my words to suit your agenda,

I said "if you don't cherish your parents, none of this applies" It was a caveat I put in because usually any post suggesting you think it is a good thing to be nice to a parent is met by a post saying that many people have narcissistic etc parents who have never done anything except be nasty to their children. If that is your relationship, then obviously don't feel obliged to worry about their Christmas Day.

You're not unreasonable, you are being fair to all, or trying to. Tell him your parents won't be around forever and it won't hurt him to put himself out. I presume he likes them well enough and your three year old will be thoroughly spoiled by them, and by your in laws in the morning.

Have a good time.