To not want my parents alone at Christmas

[Belle04]

Quick backstory: DH and I on brink of separation due to his behaviour, he’s got one last chance. Me and MIL not on good terms as a result.
DH sprung upon me that this year he wants Christmas dinner as the two of us plus our 3yo and baby. Knowing his parents always have his sister and her partner for Christmas dinner. Said he wants both sets of parents to come to us in the morning. Meanwhile, my parents who I am close to, have no one else to spend Christmas Day with, and I don’t want them on their own for Christmas dinner. I said I’d like the morning as the four of us (DH I and two kids, to enjoy the magic with the children) then his parents can come round for a drink to see the children then my parents for dinner. He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents. Back story again: MIL has done Christmas dinner at her house since being married 50 years ago, SIL is In her 40s and ALWAYS spent it with her parents. I offered to host and they want to do it at their own house. We can’t just have both parents as his SIL won’t spend it without her mum & dad and we don’t have space to have all 8 adults.
I don’t think it’s fair that my parents should be alone merely. To “keep things fair by not having anyone for dinner” (husbands words)
yet his parents won’t be sat alone, they’ll have their daughter and her partner with them. Why should my parents lose out? Tbh my husband is on thin ice anyway with what’s been going on the last few months, he said he would make effort and not do anything “tit for tat” yet this screams pettiness.
thoughts please!

Do you know how your parents would feel about seeing you and the grandchildren in the morning and then having dinner at their home? It may be that, as long as they see you at some point, they’ll be ok with that. But if not, do what suits you and them

It is fair - his parents will be with their daughter and your parents will be with their daughter.

The other aspect is if it’s just 4 of you you’ll be exhausted and not enjoy it as presumably you’ll be sorting food and the children. Your mum and dad there means there’s someone to play with children while you check food.
There’s a reason divorce instructions peak in January a miserable Christmas is final straw. I’d say go with your gut. It’s weeks until Christmas so if you want to be with your mum be clear that’s happening.

I think the fact your marriage is holding on by a thread as it is, I'd tell him I was spending it with my parents. By the sounds of it, it won't be an issue next year anyway.
What sort of behaviour has led to this?

Stand your ground.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you are all trying to make this relationship work maybe Xmas day just you will be beneficial. You can host Xmas with your parents boxing day. It will be an awful day if you just invite them and they will know they aren't welcome. If the relationship is over then maybe sort out a child care arrangement over Xmas. He takes this kids to in laws am and you have them pm or vice versa or if he is willing then you have them Xmas day and he has them boxing day

If I was your parents and knew you were about to separate I'd want to stay well away from you.

I doubt they are elderly ( only 60s?) and can surely enjoy their day on their own?

You're making it all about you without asking what they prefer.

There is the faint possibility your parents might like to spend Christmas Day on their own together. My late DH always wanted to, but would give way to going to a large family party at DS or DGS' house. We would spend Boxing Day alone. I had promised we'd spend this Christmas Day just us, but as it happens DH isn't here anymore. I am glad he spent his last Christmas and New Year surrounded by family and friends, but he did so like Boxing Day, when it was just us.
As to your DH, invite your parents. He can go sulk in his tent.

How old are they?

You say elderly yet you have a 3 year old so they can't be very, very old.

TBH I think there is far too much fuss about Christmas. It's one day out of 365.
If they live 30 mins away you can see each other any time you want to.

Visit your parents with the kids on Christmas morning, your son-to-be-ex husband can stay home cooking the dinner, the four of you then have Christmas dinner at home like he wants.

My betting is he won't want that either, as he will want you to do all the work for the Christmas he is insisting on having.

I think it depends how committed you are to saving the relationship. It sounds to me like you’ve already written it off, in which case see your DPs if you want to as it doesn’t really matter. But if you’re genuinely up for saving it, I think it’s worth a compromise - like @ChampaignSupernova said, it might be good to take the pressure off with just the 4 of you, and you can see your DPs on Boxing Day.

It wouldn’t sit well with me either. Just do what you want. If he’s in the last chance saloon he doesn’t get to dictate.

Actually, I think he has a point. This has been a tough year. You’re on the brink of separating. This may be the last one you have together as a family for your dc. I think if he’s requested a quiet one and you NEVER have a quiet one, it’s fair enough that you honour that this year.

We always host and have a big Christmas. This year, I have cancer. I’ve requested it just be us and Dh has cancelled everyone coming over for me.

Why not have Christmas morning and lunch and then you and dc go to your parents late afternoon into evening to do Christmas round 2? Dh can come or stay home and have a nap.

Just squeeze everyone in, use folding chairs, or a bench one side of the table.

@Belle04 Have you actually told your parents about your impending separation?

And given them the choice over what to do?

How do you think they may feel when, with hindsight, they knew there was an atmosphere at Christmas and wondered why?

I think you need to be totally hones with them, tell them what's going on, what your DP wants to do and take it from there.

They are adults! They should have a choice in what goes on, but they need to know the whole story.

I have asked, they don’t want to cause any issues but prefer to spend it with me and the grandchildren.

Ive had a really awful few months with my “DH”, a health scare, my grandma on end of life care and a lot of stress with returning to work post mat leave.

my DH has been a verbally abusive so-and-so, and it all came to a head, hence the almost at separation.

I can’t foresee any situation where I’d want to be away from my children especially if they are going through a hard time like I am/have been.

this is all very true, thank you xx

I wouldn’t be leaving them on their own. I would point out you want to do what you suggested, it’s nothing to do with favouritism, your parents have had a tough year, as have you

They are coming, and if he doesn’t like it he is welcome to go to his parents

ducks in a row time I feel, why wait until Christmas if it’s not working?

Very very true!! Thank you xxx

I agree 100% with this. My first thought was that your parents wouldn't be alone, and if one partner wants a quiet Christmas lunch this year, just the four of you there's no harm in that.

I can see why you are about to divorce him. What a petty pratt. Tell him your parents are coming for Christmas, end of discussion.

How can your parents be elderly if they have at least one parent living?

My mum is 70 and working full time in a professional job. If I called her elderly she would slap me.

Yet your parents can't cook a Christmas dinner?

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you are not well - didn't want to quote your post without saying that!.

Second - nail on the head! . Sounds like this family needs some time for them to at least establish whether the marriage is worth saving, and to give the kids a more focused Christmas if there is to be upheaval.

Also, the OP wanting her parents round is more or less the same demand as the OP's DH is making. The parents won't be on their own - they can be visited.

The stress of ONE DAY is quite alarming sometimes..Christmas is a period, Christmas dinner is one meal. This situation can easily be resolved.

If you are 'on the brink of seperation' but are staying together Christmas is really not the time to be inviting people into your home. I'd be keeping it low key and focusing on yourselves and children.

Families will only add to the existing stresses

That would certainly be true in some cases - specifically those in which both parties are loving, kind, thoughtful and supportive of the other. And where the ILs or parents have been unreasonable in demanding that their wants or expectations should always be given top priority.

But that's not the case here.