DH complaining about look after kids

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DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I also see his point. You have 30 hours per week to yourself.

The fact that she is there to cover all of those things means that he never has to think about it. He never has to consider (as I and every parent in a working family has to) how the hell to get the morning or afternoon off for a play or fayre. He never has to worry about calling in to work AGAIN because one kid got noro, then each of the others got it and then, the parent got it too. He doesnt have to think about how they will juggle their AL to cover the holidays. Because the OP is doing that. He simply doesnt not have to give it brain space, he has someone else who does all of that.

Just as OP doesn’t need to think about job security, promotions, everything that goes with keeping a roof over her head and food on her plate. Someone else worries about that

This ...what is the problem as long as he has 2 evenings a week as well. If he is working during the week can't they be fri/sat night. School age kids should be in bed about 7.30/8. If they are ready for bed when OP leaves and they watch TV/spend time with dad then it's all good ? They are probably going to be a term time thing as well. Don't give up your hobbies with friends.

I think I've read all your responses, OP but I may have missed something. Several people have asked when your DH gets a break or time to see his friends. I don't think you've answered.
If he's getting equal downtime, then it's fair enough. However, I suspect he isn't. You have roughly 35 hours a week to yourself. I'm fully aware that a lot needs to be done: cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, going to events at school, school runs etc. However, I don't believe it fills 35 hours a week.
I was a SAHM to primary school kids and my domestic duties didn't fill my time. In the end, I was very bored, and like you, I needed adult company and some kind of mental stimulation for my mental health. I got a part-time job and felt so much better!

OP has the right to some life outside of the house. She did most of the childraising when the children were little. 5 hours a week is not a lot to see friends and maintain a social life. For those saying she should only do things during the day, maybe her friends work/are occupied themselves during the day. Should she not have any friends then?

Hmm, I was prepared to say he was unreasonable but actually I think you need to look at the split here. Why does he needs to log back on in the evening? Because he's inefficient / workaholic and it's his choice, or because he needs to finish early to cover your nights out?

Why does he do 80% of the housework in the weekend? I get in the week you doing 80% makes sense as he is busy working but equally doing none at all would be treating you like a maid. But what are you busy doing in weekends that means that is reversed not 50:50?

I think if you had babies or toddlers at home in the week you absolutely deserve some evenings out, that's harder than paid work in my experience! But you do have so much more flexible time than him now. And I know you say you want to see friends but i think it is pretty rare for people with kids to see friends two weeknights every single week. And if it's just wanting adult company generally, in the same way people in work might get, then you could have that from new people you would meet in a day time hobby / class (in the same way DH doesn't see friends at work, he sees colleagues).

It's hard, but I think one evening would be a good compromise, or making sure DH gets specific work and child free time to equal it. (Although I know it's not always as simple as that, when I complain about DH hobby sometimes he says I am welcome to the same time but I don't particularly want to do a new hobby, so it won't necessarily be the answer for him!)

Someone not working with all kids at school, unless other caring responsibilities or something has literally got masses of “me” time though!

I do think that the op deserves a social life....everyone does. And yes, while she has free time during the day, it's hard to socialise during that time unless your friends are also sahms

yeah i think if you had to calculate your dh's free time, you'd be surprised.
Your kids are in school so you have the day to do chores/down time, your husband gets home after work and still does 20% of household tasks.
Then on the weekend you effectively also have off since DH is doing 80% of the work.
I would not think it funny at all if my husband spend 3 hours away from home 2 out of the 5 weeknights, which meant i had to come home, wrangle the tired kids and then log back on to work!

I also feel that it is a privilege to be a SAHM. And once kids are in school A) the house is less of a mess, since they are not home and therefore B) there is less cleaning to do.
I am a SAHM and I do a lot, no denying that, but I have 3 under 4 and none are in school yet. When they go to school I will definately be picking up part-time hours at least.
It is very leisurely to have 5 or 6 child-free hours to do whatever you like EVERY day

Yeah, I tried to edit, having looked back at the thread and op's responses. I agree that if dh is doing 80% of household chores at the weekend, she's taking the piss. Either way though, the solution is for her to actually work while the dc are at school. Nobody can take the piss that way.

Mind you I'm not sure where people are getting 30 or 35 hours a week to herself from. Our primary school is 9-3. Take into account school run and she's probably only got 25 hours I would say. And if she is getting majority of household tasks done in that time it can't all be counted as freetime.

Shouldered the burden of childcare, etc and has now been royally shafted because although her STBX was able to advance his Big Job thanks to her doing it, he gave what she did that allowed him to do that, no importance. He earned the money, so its all his. The fact that he couldnt have earned the money without her doing her part in facilitating her life, has passed him by

of the SAHM I know, none wanted to work. Their ambition was time at home with their kids. They married men who could provide for that. None sacrificed careers in favour of a man’s “big job”. The big job facilitated their ambition, not the other way around. If both has worked, both would have paid for childcare and cleaners etc.

I'll be honest, if my DH had just had six hours to himself and then disappeared out the door the minute I got home from work to socialise, I'd be pretty miffed too - especially if it meant I had to log back in to work at 8/9pm because of it.

That's not to say you shouldn't go out, but it has to be fair - and at the moment, it sounds incredibly unfair.

@CCreasty OK then.

The typical “involved” father who can kick a ball in the park for a short time and possibly empty the dishwasher but who sees his children as something belonging to you who he can play with when he pleases but resents not being able to put back on the shelf when he is bored.

That’s the kind of man that if you split would become a flaky parent providing irregular contact and complaining of having to pay less than 20% of his net income as child maintenance.

My advice is get a job asap, you and your children are in a very vulnerable financial position wether you stay together in the long run or not.

YANBU.

This argument from fathers gets me every time. They don’t seem to think caring (for children or anyone else) and housework is actually work. Especially in school holidays or when the kids are sick, when you look after them all day. He’s been at work all day - well so have you! You work split shifts.

Presumably, you’ve made dinner before you go out. So, what’s he objecting to? Getting his own kids ready for bed twice a week? And they’re presumably not too challenging to get to bed at primary age.

If he were a lone father (e.g. in the case - heaven forbid - of bereavement), he’d have to pay someone to do all the housework 5 days a week, household admin, get the kids ready for school, look after them after school, make dinner and get them settled in bed, e.g. a housekeeper/nanny. Would they not be entitled to two evenings off a week?

Or, like many lone parents, he’d have to do the whole lot himself. No evenings off. No days off. Juggling childcare, running a family household and a full-time job week after week, month after month, year after year. For decades. Welcome to my world! There were many evenings when my kids were younger when I had to log back on after dinner and bedtime. Believe me, if he was suddenly having to do that, as (hats off to them) many lone fathers do, only being responsible two evenings a week for two hours would be bliss.

I have two close friends who became lone fathers because their partners died or are in residential care and another who cares at home for his severely disabled partner following a stroke, as well as doing all the above. None have family support. Believe me, when men have no choice to step up, funnily enough they suddenly can.

Maybe draw up a contract of employment for yourself: hours, pay and working conditions. Then he might see what value he gets from your hourly rate. And you can work to rule!

@Simplelobsterhat How many "free" hours does her husband get? A lot less than she does!

She could socialise after the DC were in bed? Or at weekends so DH gets some sort of break in the evening.

I don’t think anyone is disputing that. But people are interested to know how much time the DH gets for his social life. Is he also out with friends two nights a week? Does he spend every Sunday on the golf course?

The point is that it's causing problems, so they need to sit down and discuss it, rather than one or both being resentful.
The OP getting a job may be a solution.

@EdithBond What's the betting these lone fathers didn't suddenly become sahds?

This:

“Tiddlywinkly · Yesterday 23:40

I see his point. You can't be spending 9-3 on chores all day, everyday, so you must be getting downtime during the day as well. Does he have equal downtime? Can you not compromise by doing one evening a week to see friends?”

How is it free time when kids at school? It might be child free, but it isn’t free time, I would guess she does cleaning, washing, meal prep etc etc

If the children were babies /toddlers then, yes, fair enough, but if they’re at school could you not do your hobbies during the day?

I don't think anyone's saying she doesn't, but free time in a marriage should be as equal as possible. At the moment, OP has thirty child-free hours every week, plus two nights a week, and then says her husband does 80% of the household stuff at weekends too - it hardly seems balanced.