DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

This argument from fathers gets me every time. They don’t seem to think caring (for children or anyone else) and housework is actually work. Especially in school holidays or when the kids are sick, when you look after them all day. He’s been at work all day - well so have you!
Presumably, you’ve made dinner before you go out. So, what’s he objecting to? Getting his own kids ready for bed twice a week? And they’re presumably not too challenging to get to bed at primary age.
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So ... to be clear. Looking after children and housework is work (even if your children are out at school).

But looking after your own kids twice a week is dead easy. And looking after them in the evening for 3 hours only involves getting them ready for bed?

OP - do you want to work? Any ambition to do so at any point?

@redskydarknight It's a complete imbalance. Her husband is working far, far more hours than she is.

She doesn't need to spend 30 hours a week doing these things.

And the bulk of "cleaning" in a household where children are out at school all day is done in the evening to clean up dinner things and whatever mess the children have made round the house.

What are you doing when they are at school? You get 30 hours to yourself, you're taking the piss a bit.
One night would be better especially if he has to put them to bed and then carry on working doesn't sound like he's getting much down time.

🙄 I’m a SAHM and use my brain far more at home than I did in my FT job before having kids, and I’m far more fulfilled.

Just because you can’t imagine what you would do at home all day, it doesn’t mean that everyone at home is sitting around doing nothing.

Surprise surprise that this has turned into another SAHM bashing thread.

It's not "bashing" SAHMs. It's discussing this particular issue of the two evenings per week out - it's a problem because it's causing friction.

Surprise surprise that this has turned into another SAHM bashing thread.

It's not "bashing" to point out that OP has thirty hours a week child-free, plus two additional evenings.

That's a huge amount and unless her husband is out all weekend (unlikely as he does 80% of the housework then) then there's no way he's getting the same level of downtime as she is.

Yes in my first post I agreed that the balance isn't fair and op sounds a bit unreasonable.

I was just reflecting that people are overstating it a bit. We don't know how much housework, life admin etc op is doing, but if she is correct that the majority gets done in the week so not much to do in weekend, it's not fair to count all the time kids are in school as free time, and some people were overstating how long the school day is anyway.

Also, I am a bit uncomfortable with the idea full time working parents should get exactly the same amount of free time as that could lead to them barely seeing their children, which ultimately they should want to do! I say this as a full time working parents myself. And to include some actual parenting not just the fun times.

It's not black and white really.

Presumably, a SAHM with primary aged kids does it while they're at school, since that's the job?

I think he has a point. Two nights is a lot especially as he has to work after they have gone to bed. That is a pretty bad deal for him.

I've been both; a SAHM and a ft primary teacher. Which one was far, far easier? Which gave me hours upon hours more free time to do as I pleased?!

I don't think people think SAHMs of school children sit around all day doing nothing.

They think that they don't spend the entirety of the school day doing (children with SEN, caring for elderly parents living with them etc excepted) housework or organising family life.

They think they do in fact spend a lot of the time doing things for themselves and relaxing. Frankly, if you are a SAHM to school children and you don't spend time doing what you want during the day, I'd be wondering why.

Think you need to up your communication.

So you feel socially isolated and that your brain is turning to mush. He's telling you he's mentally exhausted (presumably from the financial pressure of carrying the household, coupled with the pressure of dealing with the kids in the evening and then needing to log back on and work harder). I think in his shoes I'd be envious too, it sounds like you have the sweeter end of the deal.

Sounds like you need to sit down and get to the root of the issue. You need more mental stimulation, he needs some downtime. Your needs can be met on other ways, too. You've also said courses (plural), hard to know if it takes the piss without knowing more context, but sounds like the problem is bigger than the courses.

This! I don't think YABU necessarily, but I see his point. He did spend (I assume) the full day at work and also wants a rest or time to himself... if kids are at school, you do get a lot of time to yourself during the day (a couple of hours a day at least, after Housework is done?)
So it night be that he thinks you are getting much more time for yourself than him, and is resenting you not taking these courses during the day instead, so you have family time all together in the evenings....

I get his point. You don't work. Your kids are at school. What do you do all week?

Sorry not read all yet but i initially voted yanbu because being a sahm doesn’t mean you stay at home constantly & you “work” constantly all hours through the night etc & 2 out of 7 isn’t unreasonable and makes your dh sound like a selfish twat but i missed the part about them being in school so yanu as thats plenty of down time & you could do day courses (even if not with friends) i’ve been a sahm for 14 years, younger ones now at school too & i’m bored a lot of the time when in the early days i never got a minute & couldn’t even pee in peace! I’m in the process of starting to study to return to my previous career & volunteer but i at tha minute i also clean & get the shopping done, meet friends on their days off for a coffee, go to the gym & still be there for drop offs & pick ups & any school activities so i know i’m lucky & would see evenings as a piss take.especially with him working in the evenings too. My husband works away sometimes & we’ve no family which is why i’ve been at home so long & we made that choice to take the financial hit but it was very hard at first where as now it is easy.

i’ll read the rest now 🙈

Day time when the majority of social options are not open and availability of friends is not there, is not equitable in my opinion.

You can hardly go to a brunch with your mates then rock up to school after a glass of wine.

The day is a break between slog not a break where you are free until the morning.

What a load of nonsense. They are his children, he's supposed to want to spend time with him and also support his wife in her well being. So much lacking in critical thinking. She can not see her friends in the day, she can not do her course in the day. It is two nights. She does five.

I understand his point too. Let's say of the 30 hours your kids are at school, you can realistically use 25 with school runs. Then house/kids stuff is 10 hours a week max (unless you have a mansion or SEN kids). So you have 15 hours to yourself in the day, plus 5 in the evening. Does your DH get 20 hours a week to himself?

I'm selecting this particular post (not necessarily the poster) but there are courses for adults that are only possible to do in the evening - they're night courses for adult learning and they are not available to do during the day as that tends to be the time that the venues are being used for full time education/day courses.

It may not be possible for the OP to do the courses she is enrolled in during the day.

If the OP is looking after the home and doing 80% of the housework and home upkeep during the week and during the day, then two evenings a week is fine. They are his kids and he is being their father. It's a low bar if he can't look after his own school going aged kids for two evenings solo per week.

@Mellowblue - does your husband have any hobbies/activities like golf or cycling that he does and you don't?

When I first saw the thread I was on the OP's side but with reflection I think she's taking the piss. If compromise and maybe do one of the classes or try and find something when the children are at school.

The reason these threads may appear to bash SAHMs is because of the subsequent posters who come and say 'she's only got 6 hours (or 5.5) per day and she had to do all the cleaning, cooking so doesn't have any time for herself' when everyone else does it in less than 6 hours per week.

It's a luxury to be a SAHM to school age kids by choice because you can afford to live on one salary. People seem to forget that and pretend that's it's harder than working AND doing the same housework.

I work 3 days a week in a busy, rewarding and fast-paced job. The other 2 days a week, I'm a SAHM although my youngest is upping his hours in nursery. I actually have a fair bit of free time in the 2 days I'm not working. I even fit in a Pilates class. When both my DC are in school/nursery, it's an easy day for me. I can put on the TV, chat with friends on the phone even when I'm doing chores.

Honestly, in this case I do think you are taking the piss a little bit. You have all day to undertake classes. I think one night a week is fine but if he is having to log on and finish work late then I think you are being unfair.

Working the full day, getting small children bathed and in bed, then logging in again at 8pm is a VERY long day!
If the roles were reversed, people would jump to ltb in a heartbeat!