DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

SAHM is a job.

And he gets 5 other nights plus two other days to do as he pleases without being monstered by his wife.

I'm not doubting it can be hard. But is OP genuinely using those hours the kids are at school to do the housework and does the housework really need to be done to thar standard?

Because SAHM is an job.

Debatable when all of the children are in school, that's a lot of time outside of holidays and occasional sickness to have to yourself. I'd honestly be wildly resentful if my DH didn't work, had hours to himself everyday (a bit of cleaning that everyone else does around work doesn't count for much let's be real) and then when I'd been out in paid work all day went out for a few hours a few evenings. If he worked, even part time then it wouldn't bother me one iota- in fact I'd be hugely supportive of him seeing friends after work.

Let’s reverse this and see what people think.
SAHD with his days mostly free wants to go out 2 nights a week to socialise with his friends over a course, while wife works full time and then comes home and has to look after kids on her own so he can go out.

Looks a bit different, doesn’t it?

Plus does he have 5 nights a week to go out? Or would OP be pissed off if he did. Given its outside the SAHM hours I'd be a bit annoyed if he went out all five nights

It’s not a job! I’m not saying it’s not a valid household decision but it’s not a ‘job.’ If the kids are at school there should be plenty of time in the day to socialise and take time for oneself, a household doesn’t require 5 hours of somebody being at home full time every day without any childcare to manage to run. Sahm is a luxury and especially once the kids are at school.

Not really

Hah. My Ex parents in law once told me how grateful I should be that XH 'babysat for me'

'For me'. 'babysat'. His own children.

Unfortunately there are still those with this mindset walking among us.

I'm struggling to see the problem with a mother going to two evening courses a week after years of being a SAHM personally.

but she is not a sahm. the DC are in school all day and she has 30h per week spare time already. most people would file this under 'unemployed'. She isn't looking after the DC during the day. it's a balance thing. Her DH is at work all day and comes home to logg on to work extra and does 80% of the home work during weekends when everyone is home. Where are his 30h of break?

There is 168 hours in a week

Your dh works 40 hours per week - leaving 128 hours, he is in charge of 3 children for 5 hours a week - leaving him another 123 hours

Now you also have 168 hours in a week that you are in charge of looking after 3 children - they go to school for 30 hours per week. This leaves you with 138 of looking after the children and want 5 hours to yourself outside of this time as its to spend with friends

He gets 128 hours and you get 30 hours

Is that balanced ?

I agree, and I say that as a SAHM/part time OU student! Get your hobby time when DC are at school or give it up. Your DH has a point especially if he needs to log on in the evenings.

Why can’t you do the hobby whilst the kids are at school? I think you are being unreasonable.

I'm usually on the side of SAHMs but your DC are school age, your job is to look after the DC and keep on top of the house. If your DH is doing the childcare two nights a week and you're leaving 80% of the weekend chores to him, you're really not doing your share are you. I would think differently if you had pre school DC.

Have you missed they’re ALL at school?

I can see his point tbh.

What do you do all day?

He is being a dick for not wanting to look after his own children, but OP, what are you doing 5 days a week when the kids are at school? You have a good solid amount of hours where you could be doing a hobby alongside looking after the house and doing drop off / pick up? Fair enough there is a social aspect to these evening classes and I’m not at all disputing that your DH should be more than prepared to care for his OWN children but I do think you have significantly more free time than most parents of school age kids where you could be fitting in some hobby time.

All of mine are in school now so I study in those six hours each day and fit in dinner prep, washing etc. I have to juggle it occasionally with hospital appointments. Come on OP, you're taking the mick here.

If DH is having to work all day, come home and sort kids and then do more work after bedtime. It does seem a pretty punishing schedule for him. I'm guessing he has quite a high powered job which is keeping you both afloat?
You are entitled to some down time and to have hobbies. So is he. He's working to support the family and so are you. The question is whether your hobbies are fairly distributed and so are his? You need to think about his work including overtime requirements and all your work you do for the kids. Then talk to him about what he wants in terms of down time and life schedule and what you want. It could be that he's being unreasonable or he could be very reasonable. But it's all in context of your family and the rest of the week schedule.
For example, could he work late another night and you sort the kids so the nights you are out he doesn't have to do extra work? Could you give him a night off to do his hobby? Does he get other time to himself? Just talk it through

He sees you as a 24/7 domestic servant because of there is likely a power balance in your relationship. Does he get to make all the big financial decisions, too? Always amazes me how many 'couples' make the decision for one (usually wife/ mum) to be a stay at home parent, only for the other (usually the husband/ dad) to resent the former having any 'me time'. Does he get time for a hobby? Does he know how much a live-in nanny costs? Except even live in nannies get time off!

If your dc are primary aged, could you see if you could get a part time job? There needs to be a reset of expectations, op. A father 'resenting' time spent with his children?! Ffs.

OP hasn't said her DC never, ever sleep. If she was awake all night with her DC and catching up on sleep during school hours that argument may stand but it is highly unlikely.

Totally this and ffs it’s not a “job” if your kids are at school even if you stretch out all the things and do them to the nth degree like making your own bread, milking your own cow etc.

Plenty of people jumped in with mumsnet cliches like sneering at the ‘big important job’ (that keeps a family of five fed and sheltered) and feigning outrage at him for not ‘parenting’ enough (I assume forgetting that a massive part of parenting is financially supporting one’s children). These people can usually safely be ignored as they don’t really have much of a grasp on reality

Well said 👏

You’re taking the piss OP if this is even real

It sounds as if you don't really want a hobby, as much as socialisation with other adults.
As pp have suggested, maybe go back to work, even part time?

As a sahm of school age DC, I'd say this is a sweet deal for you.