DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Thank god! I thought I was alone when I was reading all the replies to this. I am genuinely stunned at what I’m reading here. So just because her dc are in school she’s not allowed out two nights a week. The comparison to the pub is ridiculous as well. Although they two nights are ostensibly to meet up with friends. It’s night classes! It doesn’t matter if it’s pottery or pig husbandry. She is going out using her brain learning something new. Not going and sitting in a pub.

Yes she probably has time during the week but she also facilitates her dh working full-time and not having to juggle holiday cars, sick days and a million other house and child related jobs. She is also entitled to a social life and doesn’t have to sit in the house staring at her husband all evening every evening.
I will bet a bag of chocolate coins if she went back to work he’d still complain at her two nights a week out the house.

This.

Presumably all your friends are working, or they'd be free to catch up during the day.

Does DH get two evenings a week to go to the gym or 5 hours on the weekends to play golf?

You have so much time during the day for 5 days a week that I am kinda on your DH side.

What do you do while the kids are at school? Do you "run the house"? Is it possible for you to find a part time job using those hours and let the housework slip a bit?

Maybe get a part time job so that he can go down to 4 days a week and not have to work in the evenings.

Sahm here as well. Kids 11 and 14 (one SEN so a bit more complicated but he has 5 hours in school every day). DH works long hours as well. I think that I do have time to myself (5 h a day) and during the week I don't ask anything of him. And for your DH to actually have to log on and do some work AFTER having put the kids to bed, I can understand his pov. Soon the kids will be older and can be left alone why you do your evening classes. I would limit evening classes to once a week if I were you, it's just not fair on him. And you have plenty of time during the day to follow online courses and read books do I don't see how your brain can turn to mush. Personally I know everything about current affairs and I study Italian, French and English, read lots of books so I think my brain is actually developing more than if I would have a tedious repetitive job. Can't you meet up with friends during the week-end ? I do, with kids as well mind you but they're happy to see their friends as well...

I agree with your DH especially if he’s having to log in after they’ve gone to bed to finish his work. Working full time and having all of the financial pressure in the family is a lot.

I think a weekend event would better op.

As someone who has done it all throughout the different seasons of my child rearing years (SAHM, PT, FT), I voted YABU. I currently have a job which requires evening work sometimes. DH does too, but it works in our current season because DC are teens, so more independent.

if I were working FT to support a family as a sole earner, my kids were in school, and my partner was spending two nights a week on courses at that time only because of the social aspect, and the knock-on effect was that I was doing 40% of the weekday dinner/bathtime/reading/bedtime routines, therefore not able to login to finish my day’s work until late, I’d be pretty upset too.

There needs to be a compromise, because the current setup isn’t fair. I get that you don’t want your brain to turn to mush, as you describe it, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of burnout of DH.

If this were me, I’d look at the following:

1. Daytime course (sure, not as much fun as going with friends, but what’s your real motivation? Education or socialising? If it’s education, crack on with a daytime course; if it’s socialising, find a time to meet your friends which doesn’t put your spouse under so much pressure.)
2. Get a PT job to fund a bedtime nanny.

You have all week at home with the DC being out of the house. I think you are a bit unreasonable. What prevents you from attending courses during the day. I am not saying you should never leave the house bit this are two long evenings per week on a regular basis. Which is find but in the context of not having 30h per week me time, it's a lot. There aren't many mums who have 35h me time per week.

Voted YANBU without reading the subsequent replies, so changing my vote.
What on earth do you do all day OP?
Either get yourself back to work or find classes during the day when the children are in school.
I’m not surprised your DH is complaining.

5 or 6 hours alone with his own children per week while a woman who runs his home and his children does fucking night classes.

I am going to bet he has NEVER had to pick the kids up from school, take them to a doctor appointment, take them to the dentist or orthodontist or an after school class, make them breakfast, pack a lunch, wash their clothes, make them dinner, deal with homework, parent teacher meetings, take a sick day off work because of his kids, do his own laundry, clean anything in the house, go grocery shopping, entertain them on weekends and school holidays or any one of a dozen other jobs SAHMs do so their husbands can advance their careers.

SAHM is a JOB. Everyone gets a break from their JOB. If she doesn't go out for a few hours a week at night she never gets a break from her JOB.

Anybody who thinks her going out 5 hours a week for a couple of night classes while he stays home with HIS OWN CHILDREN is too much to ask is a mental case of the first order, or has internalised misogyny to such a degree they need immediate therapy.

But again, do get a paid job so when you can't be arsed with his bullying whining anymore you have a flee fund.

God forbid a sahm should be allowed a life without dc under her feet 24 hrs a day.

@Mellowblue you’re doing nothing wrong. Presumably your dh has 5 nights when he can chill or work extra if necessary.
I only worked 18 hrs after having dc, my dh never complained if I went out to the gym, evening classes or anything else at night.

Primary school dc are old enough to be put to bed quickly and easily with no messing about. Or your dh could do what fil did, he got dh and dbil ready for bed and then let them watch The Man from Uncle as long as they went straight to bed afterwards and didn’t tell mil.
It’s one of dh’s fondest memories of his df.

So he works all day then has to log in for a "few hours" at night, does 80% of the housework at weekends and he still is in the wrong....yeah op, YABU.

I'm struggling to see the problem with a mother going to two evening courses a week after years of being a SAHM personally.

If looking after kids alone is such an awful thing for him, then he should give her the credit for doing it day in, day out for years - and realise that 5 hours out of the house with friends really isn't the end of the world.

If she goes and gets a job, then his life will have to change a lot more dramatically - taking on more housework and childcare in the week, his share of sick days/holidays etc.

He's an idiot if he causes a fuss over 2 evenings.

Being a SAH parent can be really isolating, especially if you haven’t clicked with anyone else whilst the kids were little. It can be a case of dropping the kids off at 9 and then talking to no one until 3… five days a week. The only time you get to talk is with your kids, which clearly isn’t the same as with adult friends.

In her first post, the OP describes needing these evenings (for various reasons). I think it’s pretty unsupportive of her DH to complain. Leaving all of the bedtimes to one parent feels unbalanced anyway. If he is home, why can’t he do it? Presumably he also chose to have 3 kids?

He’s being an arse.

In fact, I'm really annoyed (and have no dog in this game, I'm a single mum so I do everything anyway) - she's supposed to have been on duty 24 hours a day for years, then, the moment they're old enough get herself out to work too, or she doesn't deserve a couple of evenings a week with friends? How about instead of looking at what's happening now, we average it out over the last 10 years. See what stress might have been building up over that time.

What's that phrase about sticking a broom up your arse so you can sweep up at the same time?

She does 80 percent during the week.

"Everything is done during the weekday. It’s only small amount of cleaning / housework on the weekends which is why he does his share"

He has 5 other nights and two days he can go out. He's not hard done to. At all.

Well given she doesn't work, he does, and the kids are in school, she should be doing about 95% of it.

Ypu get 5 days a week 9-3 plus two evenings a week to yourself. When does he get time to himself without having to work or care for the kids?

Can you drop to one evening? I kind of see his point. You’re a SAHM but your kids are in school.
He works all day and then comes home and from his POV, you then swan off to socialise with your mates, after having a whole free day at home.

The other 5 nights or the weekends whenever he wants, presumably.

God fucking forbid a woman should talk to her friends for 5 hours a week without her husband's permission.

And of course, it's not a free day. Because SAHM is an job.

To be generous I'd call it 10-2 as we don't know the time involved in the school run

Can he do this though or does OP complain?