DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I think you might have misunderstood me. I was imagining how I would feel if my husband did the course so I'm not sure how feminism or misogyny comes into it. And I wasn't talking about course availability as op hasn't mentioned that as a reason. Just it being a social event, like going to the pub is, by OPs own description of why she wants to do the course at that time. I was only comments on that one poster saying it was better then going to the pub.

Socializing with friends, whether it’s at an educational course or in the pub, is enriching. We are social animals and keeping up friendships is an important part of maintaining good mental health. The educational aspect of any course/hobby/pastime is secondary.

Where has she said they're educational?

She's just said "evening class/clubs" which could be anything from studying Latin to wine tasting!

The opening post has been edited. It was stated that the course was only available in the evening.

I do not believe comparing an evening course to the pub is in anyway comparable. She could be learning a physical skill, artistic skills etc all adding to her well being.

Evening classes are generally educational and there are qualifications in wine tasting

I am a SAHM, and am very much in favour of traditional parenting arrangements. It's great that OP has a DH that can provide for everyone. It's also great that she is open minded enough to ask for advice. She obviously cares about her marriage. I hope that she listens to the people who have been critical, and not just the entitled insanity being posted by a shameful (or rather shameless) majority.

The irony is you would be up in arms at what Andrew Tate says and yet ye are telling a woman to restrict her time to when it suits the husband

No one is saying that she has to restrict her time to when it’s suits her husband, but tbf, if they were then it wouldn’t be unreasonable for a parent of young children to consider how their co parent and partner feels before they make decisions that affect them. They have three children to be responsible for. It’s not about what suits the husband, it’s about family needs.

OP doesn’t actually need her time away from the home to be two evenings a week. She could do one evening a week and do the other course next time. She could see friends at the weekend and reasonably expect her husband to get on with it. Two nights a week when you have every school day at your disposal is greedy.

There are qualifications in all sorts of things, that doesn't mean they're not also social activities.

I'm not actually saying OP shouldn't go to her classes or have an evening to herself to socialise, but I do think she needs to be realistic and not arrange it for a time that means her husband has to log back into work at 8/9pm because he's been left doing the evening routine on his own.

So that could mean going out an hour later, or her DH starting earlier on those days, or organising a babysitter so he can finish off his day as normal and then come home and take over once he's finished.

Wouldn’t OP be doing the bulk of it while DH at work and all 3 kids at school

Well said.

And begrudging a woman whose only company all day every day is herself and her children the company of her friends is disgusting.

The alternative to a woman seeing her friends twice a week is not going back to work. The alternative is her husband growing up and parenting his own children for a total of four hours weekly without pulling faces and pouting about it.

I highly doubt his current bad habit of failing to get all his own work done during the workday would stop if she got a job. He'd only resent her all the more for insisting he contribute 50-50 to the housework and the parenting, or whine at her for having to work late, or whatever other use of her time meant that he couldn't just come home and expect to do as he pleased every evening as he currently does.

You seem to have made rather a lot of things up there ..

No suggestion that OP's "only company all day every day is herself and her children" - she has enough get up and go to enrol in classes/clubs so I assume she could do that in daytime hours or arrange to go for a coffee with another SAHM.

People have suggested OP going back to work because she's said her brain is turning to mush.

OP's classes last 5 hours, and she will need some extra travel time to get there, so your "4 hours a week" is deliberately down playing the need for effect.

DH is logging in on the evening, because he is leaving work early to get home so OP can go out. Why is that a "bad habit"?

OP also describes him as active and involved and admits he does more housework than she does at the weekend, so it's clear he's not generally just coming home and doing as he wishes in the evening.

Yes. London pubs were full by then when I worked in the city.

Thank you. Also well said. There were folks on here saying two hours a week was too much. I could not believe what I was reading.

The woman is on her own for a significant amount of the day. If she is lonely which is understandable there are other options - volunteering, trying to meet new people.

Assuming that the husband not getting all his work done because of his “bad habits” is a bit much. I know tons of people who log on in the evenings and it’s not because they haven’t been working.

This husband is clearly supportive given he does a significant amount of housework. He just wants the OP to offer him more support which given he’s the only one paying the bills is fair enough. Why can’t she settle for one night a week.

Being ok with him having to do teeth, stories and then log on to work is selfish.

You're trying to pass off wine tasting as educationial or more valid than the pub? 😂

It's not 2 hours a week, it's 5. And 5 hours is fine if she takes it a convenient time. Taking the only three hours her husband has free in the day after working for 10 hours then working more later is unacceptable. It's selfish. I would be livid if my husband did that to me.

Wine tasting is a qualification which is recognised by the NFQ in Ireland and equivalent in the UK. It also is a recognised criteria to the hospitality trade. But by all means let your ignorance show.

I've reread the opening post and I still can't see that even the edited version says she can only do that kind of course in the evening due to availability, just that it's the only time her friends can. She also later on says her friends is the main reason she wants to do it.

I'm not saying op shouldn't socialise. Or that she shouldn't do a course or two. I'm saying that this particular arrangement doesn't seem to work well for the family. And disagreeing with people who say it's better a course then the pub. I personally think talking to my friends is enriching, and sometimes I do that in a pub (quite often I drive and don't drink, so alcohol is not a central part of it). In other posts I've defended op saying she has less free time than some people are making out, and that it's important her DH does parenting too, so I'm not sure why I'm the one who got compared to Andrew tate...

That’s the point - this arrangement doesn’t work for their family.

it’s not a dig in general at SAHM.

And going to the pub and having a drink or two or none is socialising and “wellness” as much as socialising at an evening class is.

Stick to your nights out

Why did he have children, if he cannot be a parent for a short amount of time ?

What would happen if you were ill or not there ?

The only reason why her only company all day is herself is because her friends are at work, as are most adults with school aged children.

Where did OP say that he comes home every single evening and expects to do as he pleases? Then again, OP can pretty much do whatever she pleases during the day so what’s the difference?

He cannot be a parent while he needs to work!

What would happen if he gets burnt out, he’s the only source of income!

Burnt out from 5 hours solo parenting a week.
I'm a single mum now, I go to work then come home and do 100% of housework and childcare. I can't refuse to babysit my kids just because I pay the bills.
I wonder if he really can't manage or does he begrudge his wife going out and seeing friends.

He saying he can’t manage, why not just take him at his word?
You’re a single parent, the Op and her husband are in a partnership. The OP’s husband makes all the money and does a not insignificant amount of housework.
The OP has school aged kids with the flexibility that brings but wants to do evening classes to see her friends two nights a week.

That doesn’t seem like a fair partnership.

And I always wanted to spend time with dd too. Absolutely. But honestly, if my DH was a SAHP to school aged children and I was working FT in the kind of job that would enable me to support a SAHP, then yes, I would expect the primary responsibility for childcare to sit with him. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't do anything, because I would obviously want to, but it would be his "job" and not mine.

It's a completely hypothetical perspective in my case, as our dd is an adult now anyway, and neither of us would ever have chosen to organise our lives like that in any case. But I wouldn't have been willing to take on responsibility for being the sole breadwinner (despite having been the main earner for many years) unless there had been a clear commitment from my spouse to take on an equivalent degree of responsibility in the home.