DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Could equally set in the other way too and she could resent him.

It was a big factor in my friends divorce, he would moan if she went to a gym class etc in the evenings. She went anyway because she felt like she deserved to have a life. But she ended up really resenting him for making such a big deal out of having to mind his own kids and it was a big thing that turned her off him completely and she was the one who wanted the divorce.

But the issue is that he's finishing work early to accommodate OP's hobbies, and then has to carry on after he's put all the kids to bed. If this was a woman who was working full-time and then had to do bedtimes before logging back on to work at 8/9pm while her husband went to the pub, she'd be told her husband was an utter waste of space.

Yes absolutely - she's done her 5-10 years of hard slog raising the kids when they were young, now it's time for her to get straight out to work!

Sorry does she need a few years break between raising kids and working to get over the ordeal? Going back to work when your kids go to school is perfectly normal. Her husband never had a break from work where his sabbatical after 20 years of employment? She's getting an easy ride and he is understandably annoyed.

Although my last post agreed two fixed nights a week is too much unless the division of labour is evened out, I don't agree that if one parent works ft and the other is a sahp then the sahp should do 100% of the childcare! What's the point in having kids if you don't parent them at all?

I work full time, but once I'm home if anything I want to do more of the childcare to spend time with them (the housework I'm not so keen on...) in my case its not the same because dh works school hours but even if he was a sahp I can't imagine not being willing to parent solo in an evening or expecting him to be default childcare at times other than when I'm at work.

He’s home trying to finish his work as the sole earner. He now has to log on later because his wife who has 5-6 hours childfree time in the day wants to go out two evenings a week.

He also does some housework during the week even though he works late.

I sometime have to log on after putting kids to bed, it’s exhausting. If I was the sole earner and my OH wanted two nights a week to hang out with friends leaving me to log on later I’m be really annoyed.

It doesn’t sound the same.

She isn't going to the pub so it's not comparable!

Why on earth not?

She's out socialising with her friends at evening class, he'd be socialising with his mates down the pub. Why is her choice of activity anymore worthy than someone choosing to go down the pub?

100%. There seems to be an attitude that women are somehow put upon and repressed while men should just get on with things in identical scenarios.

This husband clearly contributes significantly. He’s not standing back saying he won’t do housework. He’s saying it’s unreasonable for the OP to be out two nights a week when he is trying to work. And it is! They need money first and foremost to live and he is the only person bringing that in.

See that's the bit that would irritate me - because she's insisting that she can only go at these times because her friends will be there, but by making it a course not the pub she's made it harder to argue with / seem more worthy (and also less optional / flexibly timed). She's trying to have it both ways. If she'd said it had to be evening because that's the only time an appropriate course was on, I might agree it's not comparable to the pub, but she didn't, she said her friends would be there and she is doing it to socialise.

Seriously comparing what could be an educational course of hobby to drinking alcohol in the pub, 😂😂😂😂

So what, she doesn't get to go when her friends or the course is available?

Jesus, there's nothing like other women that respect those who stay at home. Completely setting back feminism and equality generations.

The irony is you would be up in arms at what Andrew Tate says and yet ye are telling a woman to restrict her time to when it suits the husband 🤦‍♀️

One of the main reasons for doing these courses is to meet up with friends, which rules out a daytime course.

Well, she's there mainly to socialise, she said. So, similar.

Do people go to the pub from 6-8pm?

Could you get a part time job?

No it's not. I suggest you really consider how you are equating an enrichment activity with drinking alcohol because that isn't normal.

If they r at school and u rnt working, I could c his point.

Actually, it is not unheard of. See here: https://pintofscience.co.uk

Does he do any hobbies during the week? Because on the face of it….
you have 6 hours a day to yourself, yes that involves housework, cooking, school runs etc but there must still be a lot of down time in there as well, and as most mums know just being able to do these chores without a child hanging off your legs is a win! Then you have 2 evenings a week to do your hobby.

he works all week, has the kids every evening (yes you are there two but presumably he helps with bedtime etc?) plus he does 80% of the housework at the weekend.

I can kind of see his point to be honest, doing dinner, bath, bed for 3 kids on your own twice a week would probably piss me off as well.

You do realise OP says herself that she's only going in the evening so she can see her mates, right?

So no, it really isn't any different to going down the pub.

Of course they do. Pubs are often full at that time with people popping in for drinks after work, or before a meal or a film.

When I worked in retail and had to walk through town back to my car, the pubs were always heaving with workers.

Well she has to go whenever they are available 🤷‍♀️.

I disagree completely with an evening class being considered equal to the pub. It certainly wouldn't be compatible in my or my peer groups mind!

OP hasn't said what her evening class involves, so I'm not sure how you can assume it's an "enrichment activity"

My mum goes to "book club" which, on paper, sounds very enriching, but in reality, it means she goes to the pub with her friends and talks about books while drinking wine once a month, lol.

I suspect if the UK had better state subsidised child care, more equal wages between men and women, more PT work that was professional, and equal taking up of paternity and maternity leave, there would be a lot less upset over a SAHM wanting a couple hours a week in the evening to see her friends. I’m also not particularly sanguine that childcare and domestics where both partners work full time is usually 50-50, but willing to be corrected on that.

Well generally education evening classes don't involve alcohol! And yes as someone in the evening class sector enrichment is exactly what they are .

OP says herself that she's ruled out a daytime class because she wants to see her mates.

Which is fine, everyone deserves a social life, but at least call a spade a spade and admit that you're going out socialising, not doing a nice, enriching study class twice a week.