DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

It sounds like it’s not the two evenings, but the unfair division of labour.

the dh is working all day and bearing the financial responsibility. He is working in the evenings. At weekends he is doing the housework and sharing the parenting. Now he has to pick up two evenings a week so i/p has more free time, and he has less.

if o/p is a sahm with school age kids she needs to pick more of her share. She could at least be on top of the housework so her
dh has free time at the weekends. Get some meal preps done etc while the kids are at school.

her dh should really not have to be picking up so much of the housework if she is at home.

I used to resent dh going to the gym. It wasn’t that I thought he shouldn’t go, it was that it meant I was spending the time he was at the gym on housework etc. if I took time out as well, there’d be no time to catch up with basic chores. We compromised by getting a cleaner. He got to go to the gym, I had a couple of hours to do as I pleased as the house was clean, kids in bed etc.

Well, yeah, he'd have to do some extra housework and childcare if she went back to work. But on the other side of the coin, he would no longer be carrying the massive pressure that goes along with being the sole breadwinner as the OP would be sharing this load. Sounds like a reasonable deal to me.

2 hours and 3 hours, all after 6pm? What is so hard about that.

My whole life I’ve seen dads popping down the pub, playing in football teams, going out for so and so’s birthday, multiple times per week.

Assuming some degree of travel OP is out from 5.30-8.30 or 5.30-9.30 (say).

I think that involves a bit more childcaring than just giving them a book and watching them go to sleep. At least I hope it does.

OP's specific courses may not be offered at other times, but there are generally other courses at other times. Her DH doesn't have the luxury of choosing to do a course at a time of his choosing.

Ok, she could work 2-5 hours then so he could have his break. I mean this is what we are talking about here. And he does get a break…it is called the weekend and after work if he had some boundaries about logging into do more work. I’m so surprised there is all this kerfuffle about a couple hours a week.

The weekend where he does 80% of housework? That means that OP’s housework during the week is a break too.

It isn’t just a couple of hours, it’s the fact that OP has that on top of her free time during the day.

I think OP mentioned upthread that most of it was done by the weekend, and what was left he had to do. I did not get the impression this was onerous duty.

I mentioned if her husband could not handle parenting his kids solo for five hours a week, that maybe it could be two. Two hours is even too much… we are going to begrudge a mother two hours a week where her husband is solely responsible for their kids so she gets a real break.

But she does get a real break, far more real breaks than he does. She gets around 30 hours a week break when the children are at school. Yes, there is some housework, etc do but it doesn't take anywhere near 30 hours.
It's not a question of the DH being unable to handle 'solo parenting'. It's the fact that he is working all day and is then being asked to feed/ bathe/ put the children to bed children while the DW 'socialises' twice a week, having been free for 6 hours during the day. He then needs to catch up on his work at 9 or 10pm. He also, apparently needs to do 80% of the housework at the weekend too! It's totally unbalanced and he will get fed up after a while, as anyone would.

I'm not usually on the moaning man's side, but I'll make an exception this time. Like PPs have said, you have 30 hours a week to yourself and he has none! Why don't you get a job to relieve your boredom?

This, exactly.

She gets a "real break" when they're at school.

For those saying the OP gets 30 hours a week break, see above.

It's highly unlikely that she's permanently on call through the school day. On occasion, yes. However, mostly, they'll be at school. I'm sure that she does a lot of housework and food prep etc, but she'll still have time to herself during the average day.

She's still getting a break.

Yes, there's the chance that the school might call, but that also applies to full-time working parents, so let's not act as though as it's some massive, onerous mental burden - especially as nobody is saying she can't go out in the evenings, just that things need to be evened up a little bit more to make it fair on her husband.

I also answered this point in my post above.

asking for two hours a week where you know the other parent is in charge and you don’t need to worry is important.

I also mentioned if two evenings was too much for her husband to solo parent, that perhaps two hours a week and one evening was appropriate. I think that is called evening it up? However, this seems for some posters to even be too much.

That applies to working parents too. Quite, honestly, it is a total non problem, unless you have an unwell or severely disabled child who could become seriously ill very quickly.

It might be 'evening it up' if the DH cut his hours in half and the DW worked those days and paid half the family expenses. Otherwise, it's just tipping the balance even more in favour of the OP.

Because it still doesn't even anything up - he's still working full-time, coming home, solo parenting and then going back to his paid employment while OP has six hours a day free, and still leaves him to do the majority of the housework at the weekend.

It's not about the evenings being "too much" for him, it's about the total lack of balance that exists in their relationship. Even if OP did cut it back to one evening a week, she still has 30-odd hours to herself while her husband gets nothing. There's no real way of making things fair without her picking up some paid employment and taking the pressure off her husband,

She already gets a real break. Far more than her DH does.

It might be 'evening it up' if the DH cut his hours in half and the DW worked those days and paid half the family expenses. Otherwise, it's just tipping the balance even more in favour of the OP.

Again it is two hours, but OK, point taken, here are some questions.

So is this usual in the UK that each partner works 20 hours per week and splits the family budget 50-50, immediately upon the child going to school.

Is maternity leave and paternity leave equal as well?

How about wages for women, are they equal with men’s?

How about childcare responsibilities, it is usual that men and women parent exactly 50-50?

You’re on to a bloody good deal there, I’m not surprised your DH is complaining. What’s the point of working hard enough to pay for you to still be a SAHM now that your children are all at school, when he still has to do the night routine alone two out of five work nights?

One night a week would be completely reasonable, two suggests you need to get a part time job or find daytime friends to see instead.

Op has said she does the evening groups as she goes with friends, so daytimes not at option.
Being a sahm/housewife can be very isolating. Is it ops choice?
My ex wanted me as a housewife, he went to work, gym, out with friends, but I was expected to be at home on duty 24/7. He wouldn't babysit. Then told I should be grateful I don't have to work.
I don't think looking after the kids for a few hours in the evening, if he's home anyway should be an issue, assuming he is also free to do hobbies/see friends. Both should be free to have hobbies and see friends imo.

YES. It will be a good thing when men and women see each other as fellow HUMANS, not just terms of gendered expectations.

Unless OP is in an abusive marriage which would then obviously mean she has far more pressing issues, she doesn’t have to be a SAHM even if that’s DH’s preference.

If she is so isolated/bored/brain turning to mush then she needs to go back to work. Like most people do by the time children are school aged.

It's usual in the UK for both parents to work full time when maternity leave ends and the children go to nursery then school etc. then parent 50/50 outside of work hours. It's very unusual in my social circle for women to just give up work because they had a baby.

I'm not sure what your point is? The children are at school, she's not looking after them all day, so if she wants to stay at home because "she's earned a rest" then she needs to make sure her husband gets his rest that he earned by being the sole provider by not swanning off and leaving the kids for him to look after after a full days work.

Do most people with kids really see their friends twice a week on week nights every week? I don't think he is saying she shouldn't have a social life, but that does seem a lot compared to most parents I know. Not saying there would never be times they wouldn't end up socialising twice in the week, an occasional drink / coffee or a monthly meet up seems more typical to me than twice a week set in stone.

I think what would irritate me is the muddling of doing a course so her brain isn't mush, and socialising with specific friends - which is the important bit? She could do a course in the day and just catch up with friends as and when or once a week, or on a weekend when DH is less tired from work etc. it's not these two courses or nothing.

I think one regular commitment a week night is fine, but two would annoy me too.