DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Well as they are all at school she probably does spend the majority of time at home. She isn't taking them to toddler groups etc.

Agreed. Typical antimale sexism found everywhere now. Empathy for me, but none for thee!

Not really. A lot of SAHMs have replied saying they run their lives on different lines. To reiterate, the hobbies and interests can be done during school hours, and then you can catch up with friends who work FT some evenings but not two evenings every week.
it’s not like OP is stuck in with toddlers all day and desperate for a break.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable here OP, sorry. Your dh is doing much more than you.

It isn't jealousy. I certainly wouldn't choose the type of life that the OP describes. It is simply about fairness.

Jealous of what? 😂

I am exactly in the same position as OP with children 11 and 14 in school (but need to do school run anyway because of SEN) and older with ASD is no joy to be around most of the time, you need patience and earplugs to support him😅. I would never ask my DH who works hard during the day (9-19) to take the children an evening because I have plenty of hours of me time during the day. Meal prep hw etc counted for I still have 4 hours as "mine" to spend as I please. It wouldn't be fair on him telling him I will take off 2 nights a week! He's exhausted in the evening and needs to relax/ go to theatre/ cinema/see friends which I encourage.
If I was the one working his hours I would be miffed if he took off. This is not a gender issue, it's a fairness one.

I cant recall a single moment of my life that I was jealous of someone who has taken classes twice a week to keep some sanity because they are presumably bored all day.

I find this attitude sexist too.
The title of the thread is deliberately created to give the false impression that the DH won't look after his DC at all. That's very far from the truth. I feel sorry for this man. He is working full time to support his wife and three children and then logging in again in the evening to work more. He apparently does 80% of the housework at the weekend 'to do his share' and is then expected to cater to his wife's wish for two evenings a week out to socialise. A SAHM with school aged children has a very relaxed life and plenty of time off during the school day to attend class/ meet friends, etc. The balance is so much in your favour here@Mellowblue. I would listen to your DH; he is telling you he is under too much pressure and that you are not being fair.

Does OP’s husband ever have to parent solo?

Great post

Yes, two evenings a week, plus OP says he does his fair share parenting generally.

Well yes, we know he does this on at least the two evenings that OP is out and may do so at other times.

Well, obviously not. He probably thinks OP is free to go out and about as much as she wants during school hours, and there's no indication that he actually objects to her having evenings out - he just feels two evenings a week every week to do something she could perfectly well do during the day is taking the piss a bit, and he's right. OP has nowhere suggested he thinks they are only her responsibility, indeed she makes it clear he does his fair share when at home.

Ok, and the dissension is that he has to solo parent two nights a week now? So, if this is a new endeavour for the OP to see her friends for 5 hours a week (2 hours one night and 3 hours another), did the OP’s husband ever have to solo parent before that?

Maybe not? What I’m trying to say is this may be the first time OP has not had caregiving responsibilities. When her kids are at school, she’ll be the point person if kids get sick etc. Being free of that responsibility for just a couple hours a week seems to me to be important. If two nights a week are too difficult for her husband to handle, how about one?

People keep saying she will be the point parent if a child gets sick as if it is some huge burden and I just don't understand why this is hard. Is being the person who will get called if your kids are sick at school so mentally taxing that you have to sit at home and wrong your hands all day just in case they need you meaning that all of her free time is not actually free time? This seems to be the implication but I find it ridiculous.

Yes I think you are taking the piss. You have all day 5 days a week to do a class but you are picking an evening on purpose.

I have a friend and her husband goes out every week for 2 nights a week and Iv always thought he took the piss out of her. It’s no different

That is a bit of an exaggeration of my point…you can take anyone’s argument to extremes to ridicule it to dismiss it out of hand, regardless of its merits. I think the social expectation is that mothers are always on deck for their kids…no they don’t have to be on the fainting couch worrying about it, but that said, that concern is always there. It seems to me that asking for two hours a week where you know the other parent is in charge and you don’t need to worry is important.

he just feels two evenings a week every week to do something she could perfectly well do during the day is taking the piss a bit, and he's right.

No he's not - the point of the evenings isn't just the course, it's meeting up with friends who she can't meet up with during the day!

Are you seriously suggesting that a couple of (short) evenings of solo parenting a week is worse than suggesting she miss out on having time to socialise with those friends? That you want to be able to control entirely when and who she sees, because he works all day and she doesn't? Doesn't that seem a tad unreasonable?

If 5 hours of childcare is so hard, that it can't be done after a day at work, then explain how OP has been managing it all these years for significantly more than 5 hours every weekday? If it's so bad that he can't do it after a day at work, doesn't it sound like after doing it for 5-10 years, she probably does need some time out from it to see friends on her timetable, not his and the kids?

Op, you are out for two evenings a week, and not home late; there are seven evenings in a week for you to be at home with husband and children. Remind him of that.

When does OP’s DH get to have a break from worrying about the financial pressure of solely providing for everyone? I’m sure he’d love OP to work some hours now that the children are in school so it isn’t all on him.

I think everyone with primary school aged children knows that OP is going out during the "worst" part of the day.

I don't see anyone on here saying that OP shouldn't meet with her friends - most are saying that she should look at activities during the day, or to only go to one class, or to go when the DC are in bed, amongst other suggestions.

he just feels two evenings a week every week to do something she could perfectly well do during the day is taking the piss a bit, and he's right.

Yes absolutely - she's done her 5-10 years of hard slog raising the kids when they were young, now it's time for her to get straight out to work! I'm sure her husband will be fine about taking on his share of drop-offs/sickdays/holidays and taking on more of the childcare outside of school hours.

He should count his blessings that she's only asking for 2 evenings a week to be honest. It's a bargain in comparison to what he'll have to do if she goes out to work as well.

I think everyone with primary school aged children knows that OP is going out during the "worst" part of the day.

That very much depends on the kids. Bedtime with mine once they were at school was book and asleep - very easy. I found the time between pickup and dinner much worse (mitigated by snacks), along with homework.

And she's not just popping down the pub - she's going to a course, she doesn't get to pick and choose what time those are on at.

Logging on later suggests he’s having to leave early to get home so she can get to class. Then trying to work and put 3 kids to bed. He’s getting no free time 2 days. But she has 6 hours in day (less a bit of time for cleaning and cooking) and a few hours socialising in evening. It’s not balanced at all.
Sounds like he has flexibility so if child ill he could log on from home. Doesn’t sound like he is shirking family life eg doing 80% of chores at weekend.
It really does sound like Op trying to fill void of no job. She’s bored on her own admission.