DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Yes, I have. I got a part-time office job that fits perfectly around school hours and has a very generous annual leave allowance. Whilst I don't get 13 weeks annual leave to cover all holidays, we managed just fine . We used holiday clubs, alternated when we took leave and had family holidays together. It's never been a problem, and we don't have family nearby either.

If I was a sahm to school age kids, I would consider my 8 hours a day working time, to be ish 7am-9am, 2 hours at some point in the day hw/admin/errands , and 4pm - 8pm.

You are essentially asking him to cover your working hours 2 evenings a week.

You know that isn't fair.

If you really want to do these specific classes, and understand they are a luxury given you have a fairly leisurely life already, then you need to compromise...

1. Part time work during school hours to contribute some finances
2. 💯 of the housework during the week plus 50/50 at weekends

As it stands you are taking the piss massively and I think posters who responded in agreement with you, missed that your dc are school age.

@Comedycook you know that both parents need to share the holiday childcare right?

I wholeheartedly agree that the days of dads being distant should be long gone, but if a couple choose to organise their family lives along traditional models which put dad in charge of the breadwinning and mum in charge of house/kids, then it's hardly surprising if people then expect that division of labour to be respected.

For me, the ideal is that both parents share responsibility for earning/childcare/housework between them. But if I was going to take on 100% of the financial responsibility and my DH was going to be a SAHP to school aged children, then I would absolutely expect him to pick up 100% of domestic and childcare responsibilities. If he wasn't willing to do that, then I would propose a fairer division of labour instead. That isn't about dads being distant, it's about fairness and one person not taking the piss.

Why are you saying he's no part of family life or a proper partner? OP said he was hands on and involved. He also does 80% of housework at the weekends.

There are plenty of classroom assistant jobs (?) Asda/Tesco/Sainsburys zero hours contract? Some self-employed work?

Exactly. But that's not enough, apparently. Honestly, the OP has a pretty good deal.

I think the issue is you're using being a SAHM as an excuse to NEED this time but not doing the SAHM bit properly. You expect DH to do 80% at weekends, presumably by saying 'I've done it all week' but only doing childcare 3/5 nights a week. You're leaving some housework until weekends when all housework/meals prepped for the weekend could be organised during the school day. I think socialising 2 nights a week is a lot to expect with young DC but if that is what you want you should be doing more in the other hours to make that work.

Why have 3 kids with a woman like this?

Why not get a part time job during school hours and use the money to pay for a sitter twice a week. Then he can stay at the office and get his work done and you can go to your class.

I haven't, personally. But I have tried to recruit for numerous part time jobs specifically designed to fit around school hours. I'm always surprised by how difficult it is to fill such roles... given how difficult people say it is to find such jobs, you'd think that applicants would be beating down our doors, but it's actually way easier to fill FT vacancies than PT school hours jobs.

She can't have done - she's "locked into her house" according to quite a few posters.

Are you seriously saying it's impossible for women with school aged children to work? Everyone else manages the school holidays and a job.

Jealousy on here is 🤮

It always baffles me how when people talk about single mums who don't work they are "expecting the tax payer to keep them" and "should get a job and pay for their own kids" because "They are sponging by not working" but as soon as a woman is married and a SAHM their housework and looking after their children suddenly becomes equal to gainful employment and it's talked about as billable hours to the husband.

Either staying at home and looking after kids is equal to employment and women shouldn't have to work after becoming mothers meaning other people should pay her to look after her own kids, or it's not actually a real job and women should work to provide for their kids. You can't have it both ways!

If OP doesn't like the terms of being a SAHM she needs to go back to work and split everything 50/50. She can't be a lady of leisure whilst her kids are at school and expect her husband to work full time, pay for everything, do half the parenting in the week, 80% of the work at the weekend and 2 evenings a week solo. He is working way harder than her, anyone trying to make out she is a hard done by slave from the 1950s is being ridiculous.

I knew it wouldn't be long before someone came along and accused everyone saying she is unreasonable is being jealous.

It's so unimaginative, women are capable of more emotions than just jealousy!

What is to be jealous of? If she continues down the path of ignoring her DH's feelings, he will likely leave her. Then she'll be single with no income to support her family.

Note that OP has not said once she wants to work now her children are at school.
I wonder why that is?

There are a lot of jobs in schools and colleges that fit that description. Schools find it surprisingly difficult to recruit teaching assistants.

Also, of course, it doesn't necessarily have to be a school hours job. There are plenty of mothers managing other jobs with the help of child minders, after school clubs etc.

OP is the one claiming she doesn’t use her brain.

If you have children under school age then your situation is nothing like OP’s so there’s no need to get defensive.

OP isn’t looking after children during the school day and she isn’t cleaning from 9-3 every day so she has a lot of free time.

Strangely two men bravely posted here recently expecting a drubbing. In fact, they were told not to tolerate it, that if their wives were take, take, take, to think very hard about their partnership. One has come back just the other week. He's moved out and is instigating divorce proceedings. His wife will have to find a babysitter for her hobbies now.

I was so surprised. That mumsnetters are so even handed these days

@GoldenPheasant Unless OP can get a TA job at her children's school, she would need before and after school childcare. I was a HLTA for five years when my children were small and needed this. My hours of work were 8.30 - 3.35 so definitely not school-run friendly.

@justasking111 Fair play to the man!

My DH would be happy for me to spend time with friends in those circumstances. If her friends work 9-5 she can't see them while the children are in school can she.

Unfortunately the even handed ones are on the minority in my experience. I see so much misandry here it's shocking. You only have to see the posts calling this hardworking man who is an involved father who does way more work than his wife being called "pathetic" and a "clown" to see the general tone on Mumsnet!

I see so many demands for equality from the same people calling housework and childcare billable activities etc while expecting their husbands to pay for everything who also call men lazy pigs and ungrateful for all the their wives work, as if they are contributing nothing that its really sad to read. I think the world of my husband and it's shocking what other women seem to think of theirs and everyone else's husbands!

I've even been accused of being a man and an infiltrating MRA simply because I believe in equality 😂