DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

it is relevant. regardless of any situation I think complaining about looking after your kids a couple of hours a eve is pure bollix.

Feminism is perfectly compatible with admitting that a housewife has a lot more free time than someone in full-time employment. I don't know why you're so determined to pretend that isn't true.

I would be utterly fuming if I was your DH to be honest.
If the kids were younger and home all day, or you worked full time, I would be fine with it. Being home all day without the kids, then 2 organised evenings a week plus anything else that might crop up is taking the piss. If you were a man posting this the votes would be unanimous.

OP also has thirty hours during the day to go out though - I don't know why everyone is pretending as though she's at home parenting all day

Yes, some of that time will be spent on her 80% of weekday housework and life admin - let's say two hours a day - that still means has around her hours a week to do whatever she fancies on top of the two evenings she's out doing her classes.

Whereas her husband works 40 hours a week, does 20% of the housework and admin, and then has two do two evenings worth of bedtime etc. before logging back on and doing more paid work because he's not been able to do it earlier as OP is out.

And let's not forget he also does 80% of the housework etc. at weekends too, so it's not like he's sat scratching his arse while OP runs round after him.

Let's be real, if this was a bloke who was child-free all week while his wife worked, and then pissed off to the pub with his mates twice a week, everyone would be calling him a freeloading cocklodger.

I can't imagine suggesting this to my husband in your situation - unless of course he has two nights a week / 5 hours a week to go out with his friends. In which case it seems fair enough (though I think he shouldn't be doing housework on the weekends at all - you should be keeping up with it during the week)

DH and I both work full time and have 2 kids. Between them they're in clubs most nights but we try to prioritise us each having a night off each month (we don't have babysitters so never go out at the same time) - and that doesn't always happen. Not saying this is great, but twice a week seems like a lot given your compared schedules. Clearly he's prioritised being a high earner with a high stress role (if he's working 12 hours days regularly) to support the entire family and there has to be some balance somewhere.

Agree you should get a job so you can be around adults more during the day.

It has for me and I’m not even married to the woman 🤣

Come on OP, turn off This Morning and come back to the thread! 🙏🏻

I was with you til you mentioned your DH also works in the evening - so he works long hours. Is that every day?

It is frustrating if that's when your friends are free, but if your DH is genuinely working every/most evenings and he's usually very hands on (you say), I think I'd compromise to one evening a week for now. You really do have tons of free time in the daytime and can do something for yourself then, even if it's not exactly what you'd like.

I don't think there's any one way of doing this but your DH, who is generally reasonable, is saying he's unhappy, so I would compromise.

OP, I wonder if your friends are only free in the evenings, whether they are working and maybe could suggest some working environments that might suit you? Basically, why not work together? When I had young children I got a job with another 'mum friend' in her office and we had a blast (and it really grew both our careers). Just a thought!

She isn’t a SAHM. All the children are at school full-time.

Your DH sounds reasonable and like he does his fair share, he needs some time to unwind too - does he get that at all? I can see this feom both sides bit I think you need to listen your husband as this isn't working for him

Your DH sounds reasonable and like he does his fair share, he needs some time to unwind too - does he get that at all? I can see this feom both sides bit I think you need to listen your husband as this isn't working for him

I was going to say it's fine so long as he also gets two nights a week off, but then I saw that all your children are in school and he still has work to do in the evening. I work 3 days a week an still manage to do most the housework and get downtime/see my friends in the other two days. I do go out roughly a couple of evenings a month to catch up with friends who work full time, but twice a week seems excessive.

Op, you're not unreasonable to want to do a few evening classes with friends. You shouldn't be locked in your house just because you've signed up to being a SAHM.

Is his unhappiness about the fact he doesn't have time to do his work and look after the kids or is it about you being out of the house?

If he’s already at stage of saying you are taking piss it’s probably not far off him saying I’ve had enough. You need to have a frank conversation.
There was a mum at dc’s primary whose husband wanted her to work (all the other mums worked) - he was self employed wfh and was involved so it wasn’t as though she needed to do all childcare and she kept doing the I’ll look when dc is in yr1, I’ll look after summer hols. It caused a lot of resentment.

Had OP left the building? I'm curious if she has taken into account the majorority of posters saying she's unreasonable.

MN gets bogged down with that point, but if that's agreed in advance, then it doesn't come into it. Some people's income would just about cover childcare and then a cleaner (because I doubt the DH will suddenly have the time to do half, as well as having to be involved in school life, sickness cover, organising everything else etc). I'd ask why one parent gets to be no part of family life, or a proper partner. I'm nearly 60, I thought the days of dads being distant was gone. It's shame that it's being reinforced by so many women.

Single parents don’t usually have the luxury of being a sahm while someone else worries about finances.

have to say o/p, if your children are all in school I see his point a little, especially if he’s working, putting kids to bed, then logging back on. Where’s his downtime? He probably feels he is working or looking after the kids, with no break, while you are getting a good chunk of time on top of not having to work outside the home.

your family are reliant on him financially. There are times he may need to prioritise his work- that’s the arrangement with a sahp.

The OP @Mellowblue is notable by her absence.

OP - is there a reason you can't get a job for a few hours each day? You'd be contributing money to the household too.

I would feel negatively about myself if I was sitting watching daytime TV, knowing I could work without disrupting the routine. I think my self-esteem would be very low.

I'd ask why one parent gets to be no part of family life, or a proper partner. I'm nearly 60, I thought the days of dads being distant was gone. It's shame that it's being reinforced by so many women.

Yes.
Maybe the OP's husband would rather work overtime at night than spend time with his kids. It also may be he doesn’t like the idea of his wife having a separate identity other than wife/mother/his housekeeper.

Have you ever looked for a job which fits around school hours including commuting time and that also fits in around the 14 weeks school holidays per year?

Perhaps she just wanted people to call her husband a pathetic clown. If so, she got her wish.