DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I'd worry that resentment would set in for him. It would for me.

He's also a full time employee and a cleaner at weekends, whereas the OP doesn't work, has kids in school all day, and is working on improving her social life.

All I know is that your husband is resentful and that isn’t good for your relationship. You’ve got to find a way for both you and your husband to have free time so the obvious solution is bringing in help in the form of grandparents perhaps or babysitters.

Who says she does no parenting? I'd put money on her having teasorted, uniforms for next day and everything else. All he has to do is supervise for a few hours and see them to bed. The OP hasn't said that they are difficult children.

Housework/management should be done by the SAHP, but parenting should be done equally. Men talk about their MH and the isolation as they retire etc, but being disconnected from family is a big driver of poor MH. It's equally important for women to retain friendships. Most men work, decent dads fight for at least two evenings contact with their children and that involves pick up and activities. It's piss poor parenting to not be able to focus on your children, find out who they are, what they like etc for two nights a week, when the rest if your life is sorted out for you.

I voted you being reasonable before I read that all 3 kids are in school in which case, you are being unreasonable. U need to get a job for adult company.

I would 100% agree with this, if OP was a SAHP.
But she’s not, she’s a homemaker/housewife because the kids are at school.

If OP had younger kids, then I’d be saying she should definitely be going out those couple of weeks.

But she has all day free, whilst her DH is working and commuting and then decides to go out when he gets home, which takes the piss.

She has 5 days a week off and 2 evenings off, where it sounds like he has no time off at all.

He’s also doing 80% of the housework on the weekend when it should be 50/50.

All he has to do is supervise for a few hours and see them to bed.

It's fascinating how when it's a man in charge, all he's doing is "supervising for a few hours" yet if she was being left to get three kids to bed while he went to the pub, everyone would be banging on about what a shit husband he is to leave her to deal with bedtime while he was out on a jolly.

You'd resent being the only parent present for six hours a week? Wouldn't you like to get to know your children in that time?
@swiftieswoop the O isn't just improving her social life, she is keeping social connections going. Older women can't just walk into pubs with a newspaper and find friendships in the way men can. Now we don't have big extended families, the lack of social connections as we age, impacts physical and mental health.

I would argue that since her husband is funding her lifestyle, he makes the rules! And he's not happy with how things are. So she either needs to do more or get her own job then they can split everything 50/50 and choose who has which nights off.

I'd resent carrying all the financial responsibility. And I presume he parents on the weekend too, so six hours doesn't wash.

Besides, she doesn't parent all day, either.

Everyone is talking about this on a purely logical level - as if, once we make the numbers stack up equally on both sides, husband and wife will both be happy. No. The OP is dissatisfied with her lonely life as a SAHP and the DH is dissatisfied with having two evenings of solo parenting each week.

They're both resentful, and when has anyone ever been argued out of feeling resentful? "You can't feel like that, it's not fair!" "Oh well OK then, I won't." It just doesn't work that way.

They'll have to talk to each other, talk about how they're feeling and open up to work through this resentment, rather than just endlessly juggling the schedule around.

Im confused

So he works full time- you don't work ?

Kids are in school - then two nights a week your gone for hours and he's to look after the kids ?

What's the weekend set up with the kids ?

Trying to giraré out where he has several hours without work or the kids also

@Ponoka7 and she can do all of those things during the day while her husband is out working full time 🤷‍♀️

She has thirty hours a week to fill in whatever way she likes - maybe if she stopped leaving him with 20% of the weekday chores then he'd be a tad happier about her going out socialising while he's stuck dealing with bedtimes as well as catching up on the paid work he can't finish while she's out enriching herself 🙄

You need to get a job if you’re missing adult company. A couple of times a month to see friends without kids in tow is perfectly reasonable. A couple of nights a week is not when you have so much free time.

Why have 3 kids with a man like this?

Gosh, I'm sorry but your husband is going to have a much better work-life balance if you separate.

If you are doing nothing all week, then he shouldn't need to lift a finger when he gets home, or at weekends TBH.

You need to get a job, or just separate and let the poor chap have some time to himself.

Thanks for the top tip on reading all the posts.

I stand by it though. He doesnt own her time outside of the time she is on duty for the kids during his working hours. The courses are on those set days and times and looking after primary aged kids for 1-2 hours before bed is a doddle. Why would he not want some 1 to 1 time with them?

Plenty of women go out in the evening, working or not. He either values her role as a SAHM or he doesn't. It's not a weapon to own all her evenings, unless you think only women with paid jobs should be allowed a hand in deciding their own time.

Your view is completely from the 1950s imo, that childcare is womens work and children should be kept away from bothering daddy unless daddy asks to see them to pat them on the head and give them a goodnight kiss.

168 hours in a week, Op wants to go ' out ' for 5 hours a week, and needs dh to be a parent for those 5 hours.

5 hours out of 168.

what does he work at / as that is so important he needs to be doing more work at home later in the evening ?

Well I hope he is aware all annual leave will be required to cover holiday time. So he is willing to do all unexpected schools absences as she will be new and need to establish herself. The same man who can not do two measley bed times!

I guess it could be any one of thousands of jobs that might need that. Not every job is butcher/ baker/ candlestick maker.

Out of those 168 hours a week, OP already has 30 hours to herself and now wants 5 more hours.

So she gets 35 hours a week completely to herself with no responsibilities, whilst DH gets 0.
He then also does 80% of housework on the weekends.

This isn’t about OP going out or DH not parenting.

It’s the very obvious unbalance in the relationship and the resentment that is building up because of it.

If your DH didn’t work and was at home having free time all day, 5 days a week and then wanted to go out in the evening with his mates twice a week, you would also feel it was unfair.

I agree that they need to talk, but OP needs to be open to compromises that make her less lonely that have less impact on her DH.

If DH said he was finding his job too stressful and wanted to drop to 4 days a week, and said that OP could just work 6 hours on a Saturday to make up the family finances, I think OP would probably find that entirely unreasonable. And yet, that's the equivalent of what she's doing.

oh sweet holy devine. how the f do single mothers do it ? how do other normal families do it ? when you have children you don't stop "working "