DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I see both sides, you have the better deal in general but also I think he should want to send time with the kids and
put them to bed twice a week. I would compromise by doing one evening activity in the week and find something during the day - work, volunteering, activity that you can do by yourself. You will make new friends doing this as well!

OP if the kids are at school in the day, you are just a SAH (stay at home). Stop taking the piss and either get a job to fill your endless hours of leisure, or be more reasonable and don't take two nights off a week, when your husband has to get home from work, sort out the kids and then log on to do more work.

This ^. This is all bc you want to do these courses with a buddy and they can't do them during the daytime, presumably because they are working. So you are imposing on him becausr you can't impose on your friends. Be independent and find some courses you can do when the kids are in school, or find a job. I'm with your dh on this one, sorry.

So selfish of him to work around 10+ hours a day on top of commuting to keep five people housed, clothed and fed.

You're obsessed with cigars! Perhaps put one of your Cubans down and consider the inequality in division of labour here.

I think it’s the timings. If op was out two nights a week after the kids were in bed it wouldn’t be a problem.
But it is unfair that op does no parenting in effect, for two whole days but dh has to come home and then parent, thus having two extremely long days “working”.

I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

That doesn't make them impossible to do during the day, does it? Why not book them during the day and make new friends?

Why can't you go back to work to save your sanity/stop your brain turning to mush?

If these, or at least one of them, is a course then I presume that's a fairly short number of weeks?

To be fair to your DH, if it was the other way around and he was at home all day, every day, while the kids were at school and you were working full time and then expected to bath/put three kids to bed on your own, log back into work and then do 80% of chores at the weekend while he buggered off for two nights a week, I imagine you'd think he was taking the piss too!

Of course you should be able to go out with your friends but given your situation, I'd be pissed off.

But the SAHP isn't necessarily making his life easier here. He is rushing home two nights a week to work around OPs social life then working after he has put DC to bed to make up for it. Then doing 80% of weekend tasks.

You mean 35 hours a week which is what the OP gets, surely?

I strongly disagree. I've been both. I was a SAHM for 7 years and have now been a working parent for 7 years. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming, I'd say OP has a much better deal than her husband.
When I was a SAHM I found it incredibly tough when the kids were babies and toddlers. Once they were at school, I found it bloody easy, to be honest. It was too easy. I did everything in terms of chores, life admin, etc. but still had several free hours to myself each day. And I'm not lazy - I kept the house very clean, I cooked everything from scratch, but still, I had way more time than I needed.
I had a lot more free time than DH and a much easier life. This is why I started working, because I felt it was unfair.
You're very dismissive of OP's husband doing 80% of housework at the weekend (I personally think it should be 50/50). You describe it as "whatever cleaning is left over". However, there's a lot more to it than that. The never ending laundry including washing all the school uniforms, six meals to be prepared over the weekend for five people, clearing up after three children etc, keeping the kids entertained.
OP has declined to answer whether her DH has time to see friends or has hobbies.

When I was a SAHP me and DH agreed that (roughly) 9-5 Monday to Friday the house/kids were my job and his job was his only job.
Outside of this the DC/House were BOTH of our jobs.
Some people who work outside the home seem to think that they are absolved of any and all responsibility 24/7

Yep. I'm with this one.

Does the fuckwit understand that he is a parent?

Then you'd agree that the OP's set up - where the working partner does 80% at the weekends - is unfair then?

I think if you are at point of needing classes in evening for sanity/brain mush/social then it’s a big sign it’s time to go back to work.
Supporting 3 children at uni needs saving for even if you can manage day to day now.
He presumably has a well paid stressful job if he’s supporting 5 of you. Is he needing to log back on as he has to leave early to get back so you can get to class. I personally hate logging off and back on.
It’s fine to reassess and say this isn’t working what can we change.

I'm taking the SAHM out of this as it feels like it's detracting from what may be the real point. 2 nights every week he has to do solo bed time with 3 kids. Let's not lie to ourselves and say this is easy - it's the sticky part of the day and hard work.
The 2 nights every week isn't, from what OP has described, related purely to a a "must". It's a choice motivated by wishing to socialise in an adult setting and stimulating the brain. Anyone arguing OP DH gets this at work, arguably this is a by product of needing to work to provide financially for the home. Both parents are working here just in different capacities. If DH is getting 2 nights per week equally to do something that he finds stimulating/free time. Then no, it's not unreasonable.
If he doesn't then yes it's unreasonable.

You can't on the one hand argue that OP deserves time to herself because parenting is working, whilst simultaneously arguing that looking after kids / solo parenting isn't working.
It's about fairness division of labour + free time.

My DH is a SAHP to a primary aged kid. For what it's worth I would be fine with him doing an evening course as I don't find DS a chore at all but some of these posts are an absolute pisstake.

There is no way on earth that I have the better deal out of me and DH. He does all the weekday housework and still has loads more free time than me. Vastly more.

Given that he works a bloody long week to keep a roof over his children's heads and does 80% of the work at the weekends, I would say he clearly does.

Imagine this the other way round. I'm a mum, I work full-time. I do 80% of the housework at the weekends and 20% in the week. I work evenings. The kids are at school all day and my husband is at home and does 80% of housework in the week but wants to go out 2 evenings a week for 3ish hours as well as having free time in the day. I don't get free time. I'm working all week and with family all weekend. I don't get time on my own for may sanity. 2 nights a week is too much. I can't take it and I need help because I'm overloaded.

So yes... I put yabu. I think 1 night is fair. 2 is taking the pics really. In my family me and my husband are both part-time. We are equals. We make sure neither is stressed or overloaded. If you spend as much time cleaning as you say, get a job and a cleaner. Even 4 hours a week would be more efficient.

But the OP's children are in school from 9am to 3pm, so how can that time be her "job"? She can do a bit of housework during those hours, of course, but it still leaves her with loads of free time, so how would that be equivalent to the DH's working hours?

I think it comes down to if he gets to have some down time too - does he?

But he is not a single dad. He is a married man who is financially providing for his wife allowing her not to work. In that point alone he pays her plenty so she certainly isn't a slave. His life shouldn't be as hard as a single dads because he is financially providing for a wife which should make his life easier so all the comparisons to a single dad and how his life is easier so he should be grateful are irrelevant.

I'm so fed up of people saying if someone else did all the work his wife did he would have to pay them and that makes it a job. Looking after your own children is not a job, neither is cleaning your own house or cooking your own dinner. Every task we do for ourselves has no monetary value but would have if we did them for someone else. Washing and dressing someone else is a carer is a job, because you have no responsibility to them outside of work so they pay you to do it, washing and dressing yourself is not a job its just something we all have to do. Same with cleaning and cooking, we all have to cook and clean to live so it's not a job to feed yourself, however noone else has an obligation to do this for you so if they did you would have to pay them. Looking after your own children is not a job, it's a responsibility because they are yours, you chose to have them and they must be looked after. If someone else looks after your children you have to pay them because they are not their children so ofc they won't look after your children for free. No one is going to pay you to do your own life tasks in your own life so to say looking after your own house and children is worth so much money is a silly argument.

If your husband works every day and then does more work at home could you do some paid work in the week so that he might be able to cut down his days e.g. from five to four days and take his foot off the gas a bit.

Even though you need to be able to see your friends I think it is a lot for your husband to work all day and then have the kids as well as more work to do in the evening. He does need to spend some time with his kids so if he can cut down on his work it would be win win.

Does OP understand that she's taking the piss?

I'd be really annoyed if my DH tried to pull this if the roles were reversed. You have ample time in the day to address your 'brain mush'. 6-8/9pm is not a fun time to spend with kids. It's dinner and homework and baths and overtired bedtimes.