DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

OP if the kids are at school in the day, you are just a SAH (stay at home). Stop taking the piss and either get a job to fill your endless hours of leisure, or be more reasonable and don't take two nights off a week, when your husband has to get home from work, sort out the kids and then log on to do more work.

@Avocadot0ast I just posted with a very similar viewpoint to you and I have a baby and a primary aged child.
I think our perspective is very much fair and realistic.

You need to find some friends that are around in the daytime. I think one evening a week is enough when you've got all day to yourself. Or take on some work so you can pay a babysitter.

OP has her trotters up all day while DH is bringing in the bacon. I'm not sure how he is controlling. Perhaps read all the posts !

I can see his point as the kids are in school all day

@Amyknows agreed. Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming I can’t think how it would be considered balanced.

Including the one where the OP manages all the household management, child arrangements and pretty much everything else so that his "80%" at the weekend is just 80% of what is left of any cleaning. Presumably done whilst she is managing the children who are there at weekends.

Unless the OP has a retinue of fairies cooking, cleaning, doing after school activities, managing sick children off school, taking them all through the school holidays, attending teh endless assembleys etc.

All of which allows the WOHP to progress their career and life untramelled by inconvenient household or DC related matters. I work with plenty of WOHPs in that situation - none of them would give up their SAHMs even if they whine like hell about it in the event of a divorce.

The endless assemblies taking up 9-3 every day 😂

Fucking hell her kids are at school! She's got all day to herself.

It's not a job to look after your own children! If it is her husband has two jobs while she only has one and Hes still working harder than she is.

I note you cherry pick the smallest item and then ignore the fact that the WOHP doesn't even have to concern themselves with it secure in the knowledge that SAHP will pick it up.

Nice try, no cigar

My ex got difficult about this sort of thing. One reason he's an ex. Your DH is being unreasonable.

You're just a "stay at home" if your children are at school. You fail to recognise the inequality in family work that is going on here with your blinkered view. Would hate to be your DH !

There's a huge imbalance here, I'd be embarrassed asking my DH to look after the kids for another 7 hours a week while I'd been child free for 30 hours a week. If the sexes were reversed we'd all be telling you to LTB.

Even if housework, cooking etc takes 2-3 hours a day you've got plenty of time to do your own activities while the kids are at school.

If those things take all day, then how on earth does anyone with small kids or a job manage? 8 hours a day is far more than adequate.

I haven’t read every single post but could you compromise and have 1 x evening out per week. Maybe meet your other working friends in their lunch hour.

Again nice try, no cigar. I note you attack the poster rather than make any coherent argument.

I've never been a SAHM but DH was a SAHD for a while.

But thanks for posting the MRA view - always a joy.

What a horrible attitude!

If you had younger kids or worked yourself then he’d be BU.

But you’re free all day, doing no childcare or work and it seems like a piss take to then go out in the evenings.

What’s the reason why you can’t get a job?

You should be doing 100% of the housework on the weekdays.
And 50% of it on the weekends.

If he’s enabling you to be a SAHP then you should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking etc and childcare.
If I was paying for a nanny/housekeeper then I’d be annoyed having to come home and doing it myself.

You absolutely should be able to go out a couple evenings a week but you’re taking the mick by being a SAHP (you can’t even call it that because you’re not looking after kids) and then going out.

Speak to him about what would make it more fair, like getting a PT job or seeing your friends on a weekend instead.

I wouldn’t put up with my DH not working and if he’s already feeling resentful of you, I think it’s important to sort this out asap as he could end up leaving you and then you’d have no choice but to work FT, as well as childcare, housework etc.

Hmmm - I initially thought he is being unreasonable. I think one night a week, fair enough, but two nights per week feels a bit more like you are taking the mickey - given your dc are at school and you describe your DH as involved and hands on as a parent generally. He could actually be finding it difficult to log on in the evening when he is supposed to. You could go to an activity during the daytime and make additional friends. You don't have to do everything with the same people.

So he has to do tea and bedtime twice a week? Maybe parent a bit? Does he get 5 hours a week to himself too?

If so, fair's fair.

I find the heading of your OP very telling. It was very deliberate to try and get posters on your side. You made it sound like your husband is simply complaining about parenting when in reality, you have lots of free time during the day when he has none at all.

I suspect you know you’re being unreasonable but hoped MN would have your back if you brush over those very important points.

OP gets downtime when the children are in school.

Utterly ridiculous. He works more than 40 hours a week because he works after the kids go to bed too. Of those 168 hours he has a week 56 is spent sleeping, 7 hours are spent eating dinner, four hours will be spent doing his "80% of house work at the weekend" five hours spent during the week doing his "20% of the housework" the OP doesn't just want 5 hours in the evenings because she has to get there and back, get ready etc so it will be more like 8 hours a week, that leaves 87 hours a week where he's not actively doing something, but for those hours he's looking after his children, resting from work and cooking/cleaning etc. saying he has 168 hours a week for himself is disingenuous and silly.

After working full time I woukd say in the week after work, cooking, eating, washing, sleeping there are 3 hours actually available to do whatever I want if someone looks after my daughter for me, that's actually only 15 hours a week free time for him whereas she is getting 30, and then wants more expecting him to sacrifice his rest time and his mere 3 hours when shes already had all day, is that fair?

So, you have 5 days a week when all three children are in school all day - say, 25 hours per week after the school runs are accounted for? You do 80% of the weekday housework maybe an hour or two each day? Then you have two evenings out doing your hobbies and you do 20% of housework at the weekends. Presumably you do most of the childcare when the kids are not in school and you're not out doing your hobbies.

Meanwhile, your DH works a full time working week in his job and sometimes has to log on in the evenings to finish off. He looks after the kids for 2 evenings each week while you're out. And he does 80% of the housework at weekends. You haven't said how much he chips in with looking after the children at the weekends.

I know who I think has the easier ride, but do you think the current division of labour is fair? Would you say that you each get equal leisure time?

8 hours? Where is the op getting 8 hours a day, even for the 39 weeks of school term time. Its depressing to see how home and child related tasks are trivialised on a woman centred forum.

When we were both working we "managed" by chasing our tails a lot of the time and outsourcing the bulk of childcare and housework - it was still hard going with little time for anything else.

For the short periods where I had a SAHD it was bloody luxury - no worrying about how many holidays I had left to cover the next bout of sickness, getting the DC to seemingly endless appointments for doctors, dentists, opticians or even playdates and random extra after school activities, no worrying about anything to do with the house in fact. It would never have occurred to me to whinge at DH having an evening out doing something useful with friends. The point is the whole family had an easier life during that time - both us and the DC. That is what SAHPs enable, at considerable financial and career risk to themselves