DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I agree with DH, I think you are taking the mickey. You have sufficient free time when the children are at school. Whilst I agree you should be able to see friends 2 nights a week when you are free all day is taking the mickey. Why can you not meet them one evening a week/a fortnight?

Sure it's a job. A hard job with toddlers 24/7. But when the kids are in school you have the time to do housework AND relax. DH has work in the evening to do as well so when is he "off". When they are teens in a couple of years OP can go out in the evenings or now fridays or sarurdays. And I say this as a sahm to older kids, one SEN.

Have you even read the OP ? It’s not about him not wanting to spend time with his kids. OP says he’s actively involved. This is about OP having two nights a week out with friends and leaving him to look after them when he has work do to from home. The kids are all in school. She has all day free. Even a clean freak doesn’t spend six hours a day on housework. She’s not a SAHM, she’s unemployed and contributing nothing - and expecting him to do 80% of the housework at the weekends. I don’t blame him for kicking off.

I think it depends what “look after the kids means”. Does he need to give them dinner, clean it up? Sort out uniforms? Or is it literally just getting them in bed.

If this were me, I’d have dinner prepared for all of them ready to go, and probably early bath for the kids. And I’d be prepared to clean the kitchen when I got back from hobby if he was logged on.

in light of this I would also look again at the cleaning / free time split. You being out two evenings is not necessarily a big deal but it does feel like he isn’t getting the same downtime if working all week and doing 80% at the weekend.

Now all 3 are in school, it’s not the same as having a baby and toddler with you as a SAHM.

Being a sahm/housewife is hard work and very isolating. I don't think its unreasonable that you be allowed out the house 2 evenings a week. They're his children too.
I would consider getting paid employment now if you can. I was a sahm/housewife with my now ex, he refused to do anything in the house or 'babysit' as he'd been at work all day so personally I'd never want to be in that position again.

OP is a SAHM to school age DC. They are at home evenings and weekends so that is when she is 'working'. Should someone that works evenings refuse to go to work two nights a week because their chosen career is impacting their social life? OPs social life is impacting the only income coming into the house as her DH has to log back in once he has put DC to bed. It seems clear that the role of SAHM does not suit her, which is fine and the same for many women. So the solution would be for OP to work, then it would be more of a fair split where both parents contribute towards childcare, housework and financially.

OP clearly doesn't want to work.

Stay at home parent does not mean 'never set a foot out of doors'. Did he imagine it was a prison sentence?

I did courses in the evening because I was a SAHM for six years to improve employment prospects. After six years computers had moved on so much. Husband never objected because we both wanted more money coming in.

My friend did one course with me but I knew no-one on the second course.

If you were working or had young kids still at home then fair enough but you have an insane amount of free time and he has very little and now you've taken more. He's doing substantially more work than you for the family

This … it’s you that’s being unreasonable OP!

I think one night would have been and one in the daytime when kids are at school. You have a lot of time when you can do what you choose.

Selfish.
(you, not your DH, *based on information you’ve given so far)

You threw a nice little hand grenade here, OP. Well played.

Based on what? You have no idea if the set up is a result of the OP wanting to be a SAHM whilst the children are still young or if the DH wanted that arrangement so that he doesn't have to spare a moment's thought to home management or child management. The latter is pretty common IME.

@echt upthread is spot on - OP should say that she wants to go back to work and he can pick up half the multitude of "small" cuts that make life so difficult as a working parent. See how keen he is on that. If she has been a SAHM since the children were born she also managed all of the full on early years with three small children.

As for the "80% at the weekend" - since the OP does the bulk of it during the week its 80% of not a great deal unless they live in a castle.

The vitriol heaped on "lazy" SAHMs here sometimes makes me wonder if these threads have been invaged by MRAs.

Three kids all in primary school. 9-3 you have that time to yourself and I doubt you spend every single minute on housework. Is there a reason why you don’t want to do classes during the day?

Yes, that’s also the bit that gets me. He doesn’t seem to have a job where he clocks out at 5pm and that’s that until the next day. It’s definitely a piss take seeing how he still has to carry on with work when he gets home

Tbf I think I’d be a touch resentful if my partner was at home all day with no kids
( yes yes house work but no need to spend 6 hours a day 5 days a week doing housework )
then I still had to log on and do couple of hours work when they came back it must be near 11 o’clock before he’s done for the day

For 5 hours a day???!!!

Hmmm, one evening is fine, but I think you should do other activities during the mornings when kids are at school.

Why is he expected to do 80% housework at weekends when you’re at home every single day OP. It sound as if your OH is really drawing the short straw here while you just arrange everything to suit yourself.

He might be secretly wishing she'd go out during the day while the kids are at school, so they can have the evening together. If he's logging on after kids' bedtime to do more work every night, that doesn't give them much downtime as a couple.

It all sounds a bit isolating and I can see why both are unhappy

Either there will be a massive drip feed soon or this is a reverse. Nobody is this obtuse.

SAHM here, 1 in school and 1 a baby. I have a husband who works very hard all week and also has to log on occasionally for an hour or two in the evening. He's also a very hands on dad and husband.

There is no way I would ever do this to him, clocking in full time hours, plus the odd night having to log on, as a team I’d be watching my team mate burn himself into the ground. Especially when there’s other options to get out and about during the day and join activities etc.

Without knowing your life and set up, I think you’re being unreasonable, if both our children were in school that would mean I’d have:

• 7hrs a day to myself 5 times a week to get all the house work and admin done. Baring sickness and school holidays of course, and tbh during the school holidays my husband would encourage me to go out in the evening or at a weekend to see people if I’ve been entertaining the kids all day.

• 48hrs of weekend family time with DH sharing the load

• Evenings once the kids were in bed.

My husband would get

• The evenings once the kids are in bed and his work was done

• 48hrs at the weekend if family time to fit his own hobbies in “for his sanity”.

Massive imbalance imo. I’d be worried for his sanity more than mine.

It's incredible how the very first few posts immediately judged the husband. I never, ever automatically take a woman's side just because it's a woman.
It was clear how the op worded the initial OP that the actual situation made her very unreasonable but she cleverly didn't disclose the situation.
3 primary aged kids - there is no way to deny that she is indeed taking the piss in a big way.

I'm a sahm, I have a baby too but we have some help for that. I have a primary aged child. I can tell you that I have huge chunks of the day for myself.
Some things can only be done at night I guess, BUT then I don't do them because then it means my dh comes from a full day of work and commute straight into taking over and that isn't fair at all when I have had 4-5 hours all for myself. If I arrange to meet a friend my dh is more than supportive but I don't commit to 2x a week every week. That is hugely not ok.

I'm firmly on the husband's side here.

He's a controlling prick or considers childcare to be womens work. It's 6 hours a week, including travel.

I bet if you agreed it was too much for him during the week and you'd do the weekend instead (hypothetically) suddenly there would be another problem.... its faaaaaamily time.

I'd threaten getting a job and splitting evenings for childcare. He can't rule on that, unless he is actually going to say he earns more so you you need to do childcare still. To which my response would be, let's cut costs, even if it means moving house, so I can pay 50 50.

Fuck him.