DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

But why is he ok with you working all day looking after the kids and household and then still looking after them every evening?

He's just complaining to see what he'll get away with. He will get used to it.

Yep same here. I work three days a week and do most of my chores in the 2 days I don't work. I still have spare time on those days. They're easy days. I actually feel a bit lazy so I'm increasing my hours to 4 days a week. I feel it's unfair that DH works so hard and has to worry about financially supporting everyone.
When I was a full-time SAHM to primary aged kids, I had way too much time.

The problem is not entirely the work/leisure balance. The problem is that both you and your DH are lonely.

You can't meet up with friends during the day, and you don't have colleagues, so you really value these evenings when you get to socialise - they make you feel like yourself again. Totally understandable.

As for your DH, he's probably finding that solo parenting is pretty isolating. It's not the same as fun family time, where your partner is there to chat to and share a smile with.

You may say, "but that's what I had to put up with for years before they started school!" True, but that doesn't magically cancel out the fact that your DH is struggling with it now, and it's causing problems.

Try looking at it from an emotional aspect, rather than a practical one, and see if that helps both of you work through it.

I think what makes it unreasonable is that he has do work in the evening to accommodate this. I don't think it's that he is working full time and has to work later simply to accommodate an activity you could do during the day but choose not to.

Teachers are looking after the kids for 6 plus hours a day and then the OP and her husband are looking after them 5 evenings a week. The OP having them from say 3.30 to 6 5 days a week is hardly working all day looking after the kids.

I mean op has 6 hours a day downtime when the children at school. Sure, she’ll be washing, shopping, cooking etc. but that’s no 30 hours a week.

Yeah mate you are taking the piss.

Housework can be done in one day, many of us manage to cram it in over the weekend or an evening. Even allowing for school runs you have 9am til 3pm free 5 days a week, 38 weeks of the year.

You might want to meet your friends but sometimes we can't do what we want to do. I have a v time consuming hobby (horses) and go to uni full-time. I fit horses in during the day, juggle everything else, and dh looks after ds 2 nights after afterschool club as am not back while late from uni.

You need a daytime hobby. Bet the mates you are meeting all work during the day don't they, hence the evening classes. Make some new friends, loads of sahp go to gym classes etc in the daytime so they are available for their dcs afterschool.

It's the price they pay for not working. You want a traditional set up where you stay home, you got to do the busy bits of parenting which is evenings and weekends.

And ? Time in the evening is when everyone else is free, when social events are generally more diverse a d available.

How big is your house if you spen 30hours a week on it?

And I can imagine the handholds if this was reversed

I think your DH would have less standing to complain if you were working now that your children are all now in school. Even part time or a term time job.

I've been a SAHP when mine were little; so I take his point that he works all day while you do what exactly and then comes home and does all the heavy lifting while you disappear for hours in the evenings. And is expected to cover the bulk of the weekend chores?

I would be unhappy if I were your DH.

This is when OP's friends are available. It doesn't matter how much downtime she has in the day, she has a right to a relationship with her friends.

I wonder how feasible her husband, with his full day of work and then his extra three hours, makes it for her to work. Would he be doing his fair share of pickups, sorting childcare, coming out of work if kids ill?

@HighlandCowbag
It's the price they pay for not working. You want a traditional set up where you stay home, you got to do the busy bits of parenting which is evenings and weekends.

Hahahaha fuck no she doesn't. You don't make the rules, fortunately.

Maybe you could do your classes during the day. Have you thought of getting a job now the children are all at school?

Where did I say it was dead easy? I said presumably they’re not too challenging to get to bed. They may be. Depends on the children. But, yes, it’s still ‘work’ rather than leisure time because it has to be done. Someone has to be there to supervise and take responsibility. She’s asking him to do two 2-3 hour evening shifts, so she can have two evenings off a week - out of seven.

I said she works split shifts three days in the week and possibly full-time or bulk of childcare at weekends. She may have some hours off during the day during term time, but then has childcare again all evening. And I assume that a number of hours in the days are spent doing housework/life admin.

I agree with PPs who’ve suggested OP should seek paid employment. Her DP will then have to share 50/50 housework, life admin and childcare, including all school holidays, and she’ll be financially independent and stimulated.

@LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView it's a few hours twice a week and OP say there's fuck nothing to do at the weekends cos she's done it all in the week. You know what, he won't melt.

Can't believe how many people think OP should be chained to the house whenever her DH pleases.

It's not the fact you are out two nights pw and he's having to put the kids to bed that's the issue, it's that the demands of his work require him to work extra hours each evening. Is his working pattern part of the deal why you don't/can't work? If so then perhaps now the kids are in school it's time to evaluate your lives now the family needs have changed and work out a more sustainable lifestyle that has a better balance for you all?

We found once both our children were in school they need curricular activities/homework/music practice so we adjusted our working pattern between us to accommodate this better. Can DH reduce/flex his working hours so he finishes early 1 day pw and at least be responsible for the children that evening freeing you up to do what you like that night and giving them some quality time together mid week?

If there is genuinely no flex in his work and it's highly paid (?) could you pay a babysitter to look after the children one night so he's only having to log back on and work late for one evening instead of two? Can you look for an activity that starts later in the evening so that he is only taking an hour out for bedtime rather than the whole evening meaning he won't have as much work to do later on?

The poster I quoted suggested that by not working your brain would turn to mush.

Here are a few posts that I’m referring to

BananaPalm · Today 00:19

SouthLondonMum22 · Yesterday 23:44
If you had 3 young children at home all day, I'd agree with you but they are in school all day. You already get a lot of down time and are now getting even more after DH has been working all day.
Why can't you go back to work to help with your sanity and keeping your brain from turning to mush?

Absolutely this 🤦🏻‍♀️ Not working at all with kids at school is very... erm... leisurely...

adriftinadenofvipers · Today 00:29

Go back to work. You are taking the proverbial.

GiddyRobin · Today 01:19

You're not a SAHM though. You're just unemployed; your kids are in school.
I'd be mighty unhappy if I was working 35/40 hour weeks and my DH was at home, then swanned off in the evenings too. There's only so much cleaning and cooking to be done during the day - most working parents do that on top of their job.
Sorry. I was ready to back you up, OP, but I can see why your DH isn't happy. You need to get a job, then you can split housework and leisure equally. If he's still complaining then, then he's a dick.

then she says
But the "SAHM" in this case has no reason not to get a job. Her children are in school. I have every ounce of respect for SAHMs at home with children - it's fucking hard. But she isn't.

thebestinterest · Today 02:03

You need to get a job imho.

These are just from the beginning, there are many more.

The OP asked for opinion on the situation, not to be told to go back to work.

I'm confused why you aren't working and contributing, what is there to do 30 hours a week? Not surprised DH isn't happy about you expecting extra free time on top of the 30 hours. I'd feel so lazy.

So for the father to parent alone two nights out of seven, op has to lose friendships, find new friendships based on their schedule. So if course will be transient as people's schedules change.

Will have to study what is in offer on the day not her chosen subject. All because a father can't father twice a week.

So when does she actually become a self determining adult without having tobe subservient to her husband?

The race to the bottom is so sad and is a clear example that work in the home is never thoroughly valued by women as equal.

OP you live once and a happy mum is worth gold. Tell him to pull his big boy pants up. I manage to work full time. Raise two children and have a social life 😸.

@blueoval The OP literally said she wanted to do stuff to stop her brain turning to mush on her first post. They were going from what she said about her own situation.

Clown ? Pathetic ? OP has three kids, all in school while she’s at home all day. Yet she only does 80% of week day housework and he does 80% of the weekend housework, despite working full time and having to do some work from home too. Yes she needs to go back to work, but not for the reasons you suggest. She’s taking the piss.

If i was working f/t and partner SAH with children in primary that would be a lot of free time for them. I think one evening would be fairer tbh. Does he have the same arrangement? If so that only leave 3 nights..

does he consider it hard labour spending time with his school aged kids? What concerns me is that he sees time with the kids as something to weasel out of: how sad for them and him. Also, I’m willing to bet you’ve got dinner on the table these nights as you do every other night if the week 🙄 so the onerous task is being with them and then reading them a story and tucking them in? That poor man 🙄🙄🙄

Telling her to go back to work is expressing an opinion. She’s at home all day while the kids are in school. If she doesn’t want her brain to turn to mush the best way to prevent that is to find a job that fits with school hours. Then she’ll be happy and contributing.

She’s not spending all day looking after the kids, they are in school.

Im 100% with your husband on this one. One night fine, two nights isn’t fair to him. You have significant downtime while he pays all the bills. You are happy for him to work all day, put the kids to bed and have to log on again? While you have presumably 9-2/3 to do as you choose.

Tbf you could do at least one course during the day.
He is also having to work in the evenings.
So yes I see his point.