To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

The problem here is that women have kids with men who did not marry them

They're going to struggle with it. That's unfortunately what happens when parents split up. If he's living with his wife and they have a child it's going to be odd for them. That's why they need a united front, oh yes stepmum can come too we're all in it for the children. Not OP fanning the flames.

I can see why this stings OP. But that doesn't make it ok to stop him coming to your son's events because you resent that he grew up and got his shit together too late to be a decent partner and father when you were together.

As others have said, this is about your child, not you, and you are allowing your feelings to come in between your child and his father, which is unfair. You are the adult, which means you need to have the big girl pants on at least in front of your son and at events where he might want both his parents - and even his stepmum. By all means bitch about what a shit he is over a bottle of wine with your friends after, but while you're with your child, you have got to be a grown up.

Please consider getting professional help for the very real hurt and anger you feel, which clearly hasn't reduced over time since your relationship ended. It might help you to process and express it in a safe space where you won't be taking it out on your child.

We do not know how the kids feel, do we? If OP has pestered about their father and his New family they are bound to be antagonistic because they don't want to hurt their mother. I say this as someone who has been through a divorce where an immature and hurting parent turned me against the other parent. In the end the biggest loser was me. My MH went to rock bottom because I couldn't love one of my parents without feeling guilty towards the other so I started acting out and then felt guilty about it. It truly messes you up as child and I don't want anyone else to go through that.

Why does his wife book days off work to go to your child's school plays and events?

My husband (kids dad) doesn't even do that.

Even if they'd got married they might have divorced

Doubt it. He just wants her to think that.

Men never change. Once a shit partner always a shit partner.

Give it time OP.

But from what she's said we don't even really know to what extent he was an ass.

It doesn't make someone an ass to not want to marry one person but to want to marry someone else.
It doesn't make someone an ass to not want to have a family with one person but to do with someone else.
They probably shouldn't have had kids but if by OP's own words, he didn't even want them, he should have maybe been stronger in refusing but it's hard to know whether he could have guessed at the time he was going to find a more suitable match later. And OP went ahead knowing the situation that he didn't want the kids. Not sure why he is more of an ass than she is.

It does feel very bad if his second family is getting priority treatment, but it's really hard to guess from the OP to what extent they do.

You're right. If you said your (new) husband had to go to everything school related people would have something to say.

I know how I’d feel only seeing my dad every other weekend when he sees his new children all the time.

You are being selfish, and your kids if they ever realise you've banned him from being involved will not forgive you for it. You've let your own hurt get in the way of their happiness, and your spite at the fact he changed for someone else, stop them having that memory of their dad. I understand you were hurt, but if (when) dad explains why he never attended these events, there is a good chance they will resent you for your choices and you could end up losing them to your own misery.

Have you not heard of a stay at home parent?

If you said your (new) husband had to go to everything school related people would have something to say.

The wife doesn't have to go, she wants to go. If OP said her ex won't allow her husband to go to any school events, people would tell her it's none of his business to decide

Exactly!!!!

Its only because he’s a man he can do as he pleases!!!

Sick to death of the bloody double standards.

Women wake up. We live in a patriarchy and you’ve all been brainwashed.

Yes and that's sad but what's not going to help is their mum putting up barriers to him seeing them just because she's jealous of his wife.

OP "AIBU?"
Everyone: "yes"
OP. "Well I'm not.. "

You're damaging your children, not him. Poison. Wait until they're old enough to vote with their feet. I suggest you get over it.

New wife has no right to be at all school events.

No it's because he's the kid's dad and she's the kid's step mum and why shouldn't they both go to the play

I feel for you op I reqlly do. Jealousy is one of the worst emotions in my opinion but really this post screams 'he likes her more than he liked me and its not far!' Get it together for the sake of your son because when he grows up? He will resent you for not being a good parent you just as much as you resent your ex for not being a good boyfriend/ father.

Grow up.

Whatever you feel about your ex and his now wife is no reason to deny your children the right to see him, including at school/social events.

It's perverse in the extreme to minimise his access to his children because you think he puts his other kids ahead of the ones he has with you and/or because you don't like his partner. Who wins there? Not your kids, that's for certain.

So what if he brings his partner with him? Unless she's a predator or some other maligne influence then why do you care? Seems like she supports him to see his kids, which is good. Imagine if she shoe were on the other foot and he didn't tell you about stuff in case you brought your partner. You'd rightly be outraged.

Stop being a pathetic arse and put your kids first.

I absolutely get that your hurt and it’s hard for you to see them together and in an ideal world for you he would come alone and respect your wishes. Also that you do a majority of the parenting and he is perceived to be a great dad. But if for example he comes to school sports day and he is with is wife, that’s far better for your child than not coming at all. As horrible as it sounds it’s about your children and not you. Life isn’t fair and sometimes it is what it is.

No right sure, I agree, that's not the same as being barred when accompanied by a parent

I don’t give men the benefit of the doubt.

I assume (usually correctly) that he’s an ass until he’s proved otherwise.

With kindness OP, you need to find a way to get past this.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect him not to include his wife when he attends events for the kids. And it is much much better for them if he expects her to show up for them and be an active part of their life.

The hurt and the humiliation you feel at how differently he treated you compared to her is something you need to work on. It sounds like he was a crappy partner and father at the time, but it also sounds like you didn’t recognise any red flags or have good enough boundaries for yourself. This guy was never meant for you, but he fits much better with someone else. You just didn’t see that you needed to move on early enough. The fact that he was out every night screams of desperation to want out on his part. It doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough it just means he was not the right partner for you and vice versa.

For your own sake and the kids’, you have to find a way to move on.

I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot he’d have something to say about it.