To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

OP, you weren't his person - she is.

She's his wife and they have a family unit that your child is a part of - you're causing a divide and they will feel it.

It's not fair on the child and they will feel this 1100%.

Get some therapy, work on yourself and move on - if you were happy it wouldn't bother you who he brought. Break ups are hard, but your child's emotions come first.

I can completely understand why this would not be something you would want. But ultimately, it is your son paying the price.
I suppose your question could be rephrased as, 'Is my desire to not see the new partner more important than my son having his father show an active interest in his life?' .. The answer to this question will depend on whether you value your sons mental wellbeing more than your own, harsh but true.

As a side note, the same could be said to your ex, but you cannot control what he does, only what you do. He is also prepared to have an active role in his life (albeit with a caveat), whereas you are the one actively preventing this.

...Parenting is shit sometimes, It's hard putting yourself second the majority of the time, but i'd always sway towards the path of causing the least damage to an innocent child who does not have any say in what happens.

Sounds like he wants to show up at things for his kids but you are the one stopping him, dictating who he can and can't bring, all your posts are about you and not your child, time to grow up OP.

The joys of MN.

The only people more hated than MIL's are Stepmother's.

I went to all my dsc school events. Far more than their dad as he worked shifts. Far more than their DM as she hated that sort of thing and was happy to have someone else take up the mantle.

I split with their dad about 7 years ago but dsc still spend a lot of time with me. We do "family" days out etc which include my dh. They all come to me for Xmas and Easter etc.

Ypu can either continue being bitter and risk your children growing up to resent you both or you can grow up and do what is best for them.

She’s not said that though has she you’ve just said it not her

You know what… I felt like you did but I’m the girlfriend/ new child’s mum in this situation so techniqually I’m the wife. My ex who is a narc and an abusive arse used to go out with his ex several times and I hated it…. I think he did it to be there for his son but there certainly was an element to it. However reading what you’ve just written and how much in denial you are Jesus Christ. You are jealous you are bitter as was I and you can say it till your blue in the face but I’ve been here worn the tshirt and grew up however it’s stopped for me but my point is you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.

you aren’t putting your children first and that’s what the real problem is. You shouldn’t be dictating a single thing about anyone’s life and certainly not your exs. What would you do if you had a new man and he wanted to be part of your children’s lives? Tell him no? I highly doubt it. Grow up before your children see who the real problem is. Your ex probably don’t see his children enough so he don’t have to deal with you.

It doesn't take much reading between the lines to see her personality type and how she's turned this whole thing into a weird competition with her ex's wife.

OP would it be easier if you can accept you don't have to like the situation?

You're allowed to think it's shit and hurtful.

But at the same time you chose to proceed with having kids with this man knowing his stance on going out, not being great, marriage etc. therefore it's ok to feel the resentment etc but it isn't helping anyone to try and keep your kids dad from important parts of their lives. It's not in their interests.

Nobody is comparing you to his wife and thinking you come up short, you just weren't a long term match together. That is fine, you'll move on but you have to get on with the fact that he seems to want to take his wife places.

Honestly? I see your point, I really do. Unless there's a mobility issue you don't mention then no, ex P doesn't require his wife at school functions. He could be a bit more tactful. But he's digging his heels in, he is married and I think you'll feel better longer term taking the heat out of this and just accepting that a couple of times a year you have to sit with a couple of your least preferred people and be polite. You can do it.

And you're making your children suffer because you can't be an adult and get over it.

Poor bloke, and poor kids.

@Brightspark3

What I don't understand is exactly how you stop him from going and bringing his wife. It's a free country and he's free to bring her whether you like it or not. So why doesn't he?

Do you threaten him with not seeing his children? Do you kick off and drag the children away? Do you refuse to tell him when these events are? If so, why doesn't he just call the school (or wherever) and find out for himself. I'd assume that a school or club would send separate letters or emails to each parent if they aren't together.

I'm not saying you do any of that, it's just that if I were in his situation, I'd basically tell you to do one and I'd show up at these events anyway. With my husband.

As far as him not marrying you and marrying her, well, unfortunately you weren't someone he wanted to marry. That you stayed with him and had two children with a man who wouldn't marry you is sort of on you. Obvs if he lied to you and made 'someday' promises that's one thing and a terrible thing to do. But if he made it clear that marriage wouldn't happen then you should have listened to him.

And it's not his wife's fault that she was Ms Right and you weren't.

New wife doesn’t need to be at every event. Thats obvious.

He just wants her there.

So it is about what HE wants.

Grow up, let your son have his dad present. He will grow up resenting you if you don’t (and rightly so).

Again, I think people need to remember there’s a person behind the screen. It takes nothing to be kind and you (and majority of the others) could put your point across in a much nicer way than you are. You have no idea the state of someone’s mental health and you are all being so nasty. I do agree it’s not up to OP to decide what the husband does but there is no need to be nasty about it. Unfortunately there is a lot of nasty women on MN that need to think before they type.

It only hurts your children if it hurts you OP. I do feel for you, I really do. He's a shit for having treated you like shit we all agree on that. Now you need to love your children more than you hate him. Repeat that phrase everytime you want to refuse him and his new wife to come to children's play, school, whatever. Hate him but love your children more. They need their father. He might have been a crap partner but don't stop him from being a father. Maybe his new wife is jealous and insists on coming as well? Be the bigger person. Look at your children. Are they happy to have their father there? Then that's all you need to know. Bury your hatred and only let it out with friends or in therapy (which I think you need, no offense- most of us do at some point). Please just love them more than you hate him and I promise you you won't regret it.

OP is saying that he can't come because she DOESN'T want her there, so it's just as much what she wants, however, OP's ex has the right to bring his wife and OP does not have the right to exclude her because of her own breathtakingly petty jealousy.

If it was OP's ex posting, the comments would probably be, "Your ex is an unreasonable and nasty woman, however, for the sake of the children, perhaps leave your wife at home for the events." But he's not, so we can just tell OP she's being unreasonable and nasty and HOPE she tries to take that on board!

These children are watching their father raise his other kids full time whilst he only bothers with them every other weekend.

I’d put money on them not wanting the new wife at all their school events.

Why is everyone defending his right to bring her but not thinking about the kids feelings?

This isn't about you, though, it's about the kids. He should have the school send the letters to him as well.

You can't live your life hating this man for not marrying you. It'll eat you up.

Pretty sure OP is spending enough time worrying about herself and could do with a wake up call that the world does not, in fact, revolve around her, and being a half-decent mother involves prioritising your kids.

I do actually really feel for you OP. It must be a really crappy way to feel. This bloke is clearly an arse. Yes he’s entitled to meet someone else, get married etc after a break up, but the fact he was an awful partner to you, and to your joint children, is still there. It’s not washed away by anything he does subsequently.

However, unfortunately I do agree with others that you have to allow him to come to your children’s events, with or without his wife. You do just have to suck it up and be the bigger person. It’s shit, but it’s better for your kids that he attends their events.

You just have to practice looking and acting as happy as possible at these things, even if you are raging inside at what a twat he is.

You need to find a way to deal with your own stuff here so you can cope with this. It must feel really rough but surely you see it’s not fair on your son. You’re effectively trying to punish your ex because of your resentful feelings towards him but actually punishing your son. This behaviour over time will stack up a load of issues for you and also your son.
best of luck working through this

Because if the kids didn't want her there that's what the OP would have said and he would probably respect that and attend without her

What the OP actually said is she didn't want the new Wife there.

The kids would probably love it if all these important adults in their life could be in the same room supporting them in their achievements.

You are just manufacturing a scenario. Nowhere has the OP said the children don’t want their father to turn up at events.

People change. Nothing wrong with him changing his mind about marriage and kids now. You just weren't the one for him. His wife is.

It sounds like he wants to do the right thing for your child/children now and that's what counts.

You sound like you need help to get over the jealousy and bitterness. Dont let it consume you. You will never be able to move on if you carry on like this.

Dont make the relationship difficult between the children and their father. Kids aren't stupid and you will end up on the wrong side of your children when they are older and able to understand how you created obstacles so they couldn't have a relationship with their dad. Your ex and his wife are a package deal.

Blimey I think she realised that! No need to hammer the point home!

She said the kids are struggling with it. It’s bloody obvious isn’t it.